Accepting What Is
My life has changed significantly over the past several
years because my perspective and my thoughts have changed. What I have come to
realize is that life is not as it is; it is how we see it. Reality only exists in
our minds. My reality is not necessarily your reality. Once we grasp this
concept life becomes much easier to understand. It did for me anyway. One of
the most powerful changes I made was learning to accept what is. Many, at first glance, may find this quite
disturbing. If you accept what is,
then you will no longer be in control. Life will simply push and pull you in
every direction and you won't be able to get what you want. I have found quite
the opposite to be true. I have received so much more in my life by accepting
rather than by fighting, what is.
There is a beautiful piece of writing called the Serenity Prayer, written by
Reinhold Niebuhr,which sums
up this philosophy and has truly served me well in my life.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change;
courage to change the
things I can;
and wisdom to know
the difference.
(You probably recognize this prayer, as it has been adopted
by Alcoholics Anonymous and other Twelve-Step programs.)
You see, accepting what is only means that I have learned to
accept what is occurring in my life (beyond my control) and by doing so I have
let go of so much frustration and anxiety. Many of us were taught at a young
age that we must always strive to be in control. Unfortunately, life doesn't
quite work like that, and thus we have set ourselves up for many
disappointments. We have sentenced ourselves to a life of disillusionment,
stress, anxiety, anticipation and frustration - by trying to always be in
control. I have found that when I surrender to what is beyond my control, I experience feelings of peace, calmness,
tranquility and harmony. This does not mean that I totally give up and don't
try any more. Quite the contrary. Accepting what is allows me to feel so much better than struggling to change
that which I have no chance of changing. It allows me to save my energy so that
I may change the things I can. The more we resist what is beyond our control,
the more frustrated and aggravated we get. It is said that the Buddha acquired enlightenment
by surrendering to what is. He
realized that the source of his suffering was in trying to change what was
beyond his power to change. As the story goes, his decision to surrender to what is allowed him to experience
instant enlightenment. Take a few moments to think about the things in your
life that are beyond your control. These include things like the weather, the
economy, the cost of certain goods and services, traffic conditions, the way
others act toward you, etc. I have learned that although we cannot control
these things, we always have the ability to choose how we respond to
anything that comes our way.
Two very powerful things that have helped me in moving to
accepting what is in my life are patience and faith. Patience and faith will bring us what we want and need in a calm
and peaceful way. Life unfolds as it does and it is our choice to accept life
as it is or to choose worry, fear and stress as we try to push it along on our
schedule. Patience puts us in a place of harmony and serenity while we wait for
opportunities to unfold that lead us to what it is we want. Faith allows us to
tap into the magnificent Power that created our entire world including all
living things. Faith and patience are a great combination for a more
pleasurable life as we move to accept
what is.
That brings us to the second line in Reinhold Niebuhr's prayer - "courage to change
the things I can". When you haven't wasted your energy fighting battles you
will never win, you have so much more energy to give to changing the things you
can. It definitely takes courage to make changes in our lives: to stand up
against all odds in order to make changes that will bring us more happiness and
contentment; to stand up to popular opinion and even more so to the opinion of
others; to find, deep within us, who we truly are and allow that person to
express him or herself to the world; and to be the authentic and genuine person
that we were born to be, before all the conditioned beliefs were heaped upon
us.
Many of us seek the
courage to stand up and be counted when we know what is right for ourselves and
for others. In order to go beyond the "courage to change the things we can" we
must take appropriate action: to speak our minds and move towards making our
lives happier and more enjoyable. The interesting thing is that the more action
we take to make our lives better, the more we inspire others to do the same.
The more we stand up to be counted and follow our beliefs about what needs to
be changed in our world, the more we will move to the tipping point that will
truly change our world for the better. Accepting what is does not mean standing by when social injustice is going on
all around. In my opinion, the only way we will have the courage to change the
things that need to be changed, will be by accepting the things we cannot
change and putting all of our energy into fighting the battles we have a chance
at winning.
It is worth noting
that what we want to change in our lives today will not necessarily be what we
want to change in the future. The
question is not always, "can I change something in my life" but "do I want to
change it today?" Part of the discernment process is learning to understand why
you want to change something in your life as opposed to making changes for the sake
of making changes. It is one thing to have the courage to change the things we
can, but it is another to only change the things that will truly improve our
lives.
And so we have come
to the place of accepting the things we cannot change while having the courage
to change the things we can. But what
remains is probably the key to finding the serenity that Niebuhr referred to in
his prayer - "the wisdom to know the difference." It is such a simple statement
and yet so complex to put into practice. How many of you have trouble
distinguishing between those things you cannot change and those that you can? I
know that this is a constant struggle for me. I have been caught so many times
trying to change the things that are beyond my control. What has assisted me
most in my journey is awareness and discernment. The more I stand back and
consciously watch and observe what is going on in my life, the more I am able
to know whether what is happening is beyond my control.
I truly believe
that the wisdom to know the difference only comes with experience.
Unfortunately that experience may involve many instances where we get it wrong
and try to change what is beyond our control, often leading us to anxiety,
disappointment and stress. With experience, awareness and discernment we
will continue to develop the wisdom that we require to know when to accept what is and when to take action.
After all, life is a journey and not a race, so why not take advantage of the
learning experiences that life gives us.
It is by being conscious of our experiences that we will learn to know
when to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we
can and the wisdom to know the difference.
When I got married 30
years ago I truly believed that I would be able to change my wife in certain
ways. Don't get me wrong, my wife is a wonderful partner, but as we began
living together I noticed she didn't always do things the way I thought they
should be done. So I embarked on a self-destructive journey to change my wife.
(I'm sure anyone in a relationship can relate to this on some level). And, here
I am 30 years later having learned that you cannot change another
person! I slowly developed the wisdom to know where my wife would consider
changing and where she would not. In some cases it was me that changed, and
often we just learned to accept each other through compromise. While many
people enter relationships (with a boss, life-partner or friend) hoping to
change the other person - what I've come to realize is that the ONLY person
you can ever change is you. Instead of focusing on the other person's
shortcomings, try instead to focus on your own reaction to these. Change the
way you look at the person and yourself and you'll be far better off.
This simple yet powerful philosophy of accepting what is when it is beyond our control has helped me live
a far more peaceful, calm and serene life. I have practiced with a certain
success having the courage to change the things in my life that I can and have
seen great results for me and others around me. As far as gathering the wisdom
to know the difference between what I cannot change and what I can, it is still
a work in progress. I continue to learn and grow, as all of us do, and build
the wisdom from my experiences in my daily life. My choices of what I think I
can change and what I know I cannot, continue to evolve as my life goes on. My
only hope is that someday soon I will live in total serenity as I have mastered
the lesson of accepting what is.
