Keys to Divorce Success by Renee Cooper

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.   -- Joseph Campbell 

Karen, one of my dearest friends, sits across from me in her new home, a (significantly) downsized, modest Cape, which she has recently moved into after her divorce. She has lovingly furnished her new place with pictures of her teenage children, trinkets from favorite trips, and new (bargain-priced) furniture which she has chosen simply because she loves it and it feels good. A long cry from the days when she was married to a successful lawyer and lived in "the big house" in an affluent suburb.

She looked at me and said, simply, "I've never been happier. I guess the divorce was meant to be."

This contentment was a while coming for Karen. Three years ago, she sat in my Base Camp workshop, barely able to speak, sobbing and raging at the impending divorce that she was resisting with all her being. Her husband had walked out a few months earlier, saying that he could not see any solution to their marriage problems. Karen alternated between blaming herself and blaming him. She was convinced that the best part of her life was, for all intents and purposes, over. She was terrified of the prospect of a dramatically changed lifestyle. Could she afford to keep the house? (no). Would she have to return to work? (yes). Would the kids be alright? (It depends on how you and your ex handle it). And, probably scariest of all, she was panicked at the thought of being alone.

Today, Karen is happily single. Her teenaged children split their time between her home and their dad's (and have a strong relationship with both), and she has a career that she loves (a career that had been put on hold while she was married, in order to support her husband's career). She is dating a bit, but has moved beyond the initial panic of "not having someone". Now she says she'd rather be alone than be in a relationship that isn't right.

How did this happen? How does a person move from those first few devastating weeks and months of the divorce process to a place of peace, contentment, even joy?

In the 7 years that Di and I have been leading our Journey of Divorce Base Camp workshops, this is what we've found to be the keys to success:

1. Take the time to grieve. The research suggests that the emotional journey of divorce takes at least 2 years, often longer. That's two years before you've really processed the anger and grief, learned the lessons, and feel like "yourself" again. And if you try to shortcut the process, say by jumping in to a new relationship too soon, or "polly-anna-ing" the situation, the emotions and lessons will bide their time to emerge at a later date. As Di is fond of saying, "Pay me now or pay me later". So try to be patient with the process, and know that it will be a roller coaster, and that there is an ending.
2. Find support. Divorce is not a journey best travelled solo. Surround yourself with (supportive) friends. Join a gym and take care of yourself. Talk to your minister or a therapist. Find a support group. Reach out and ask for help. You don't have to travel the road alone.
3. Set an intention. Reflect on who you want to be and what you'd like your life to be like after your divorce. This takes your focus offthe past, and allows you to place your attention on what you want to create.You have control over what the next chapter will be.
4. Do the work. That is, take the time to learn something from the experience. What was your part (even if it was only a small part) in the demise of the marriage? What can you take with you from the experience to enrich your life going forward? Did you avoid the tough conversations, or allow the kids to monopolize your attention? Did you retreat to the safety of work, or alcohol, or shopping? Did you step over signs that your spouse was unhappy? Were you difficult to speak with, defensive or easily hurt? Look for the lessons in the experience, so that you can move forward empowered and ready for the next phase.
5. Do it your way. Once you're involved in the divorce process, you will hear stories and receive advice from everyone. Listen, but do your own research. Ignore those who tell you what you 'should' do. Base your actions on what is aligned with your beliefs and your higher intention.

Your divorce experience is a fork in the road. Take with you the lessons from the road already travelled and turn your attention to the choices ahead of you. You get to create the next chapter.

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