With our summer vacation schedule in full swing, we thought we'd share a previously published article. The following was one of the first articles we shared in our newsletter and the wisdom still rings true years later:
Though not the master of one's fate, one may still be captain of one's soul. ~Philip Brickman
Divorce can bring out the worst in people: your ex (or his sister or her best friend) calls you unflattering names. Or you discover your ex has misrepresented his finances or broken the terms of your custody agreement. Or a couple you once considered good friends are now avoiding your calls.
Most of us will face a situation like this sometime in our divorce journey, a situation that triggers deep and powerful emotion. And most of us will be tempted to react in kind, to fight fire with fire. It's only fair, we think. They started it, we think. I have to defend myself, we think. The only sensible option - indeed the only option at all - seems to be to follow their lead and play their game.
Most of us set out on this divorce journey vowing to take the high road, to do it better, behave better, than the average divorcing couple. And yet we find ourselves in the middle of some hard, emotionally charged situation and every fiber of our being wants to strike back.
This is the choice point. The fork in the road where you get to choose Who You Are, and Who You Want To Be.
Down one fork: retaliate in kind. Return deceit with deceit, criticism with criticism, cruelty with cruelty. This path is very seductive. And it offers enormous emotional relief. Temporarily.
But just like a drink for an alcoholic, or an ice cream for a sugar addict, the immediate rush of relief is intoxicating, but brief. And it is followed, inevitably, by remorse and guilt. Why? Because this choice is not in alignment with your integrity, with who you want to be and know yourself to be at the deepest level.
A dear friend once asked me: "So when do you stoop to their level? At some point, don't you just have to play their game?". My answer is this: When do you want your character to be determined by another's? If you react in kind, you are allowing someone else's level of spiritual and emotional development to determine your own.
In the memoir of his concentration camp experience, Victor Frankl describes this as the "last and ultimate human freedom": Between the moment of "being done to" and the moment of response, lies our power to choose.
And that is the other fork: The harder but more satisfying choice, long term. The road to self-respect and self-esteem. The choice to respond in a way that is consistent with your morals, your values, your integrity, your highest vision of yourself. To be the captain of your own character.
This is why the Journey of Divorce can be such a powerful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. The journey gives us so many of these moments in which we are tested, and have one more chance to choose in a way that honors who we really are.
