I recently attended the co-parenting classes required by the state of Massachusetts for couples seeking a divorce. It was the last step in that long list of activities needed to get divorced and I was looking forward to having this behind me. However, I was not prepared for the onslaught of guilt and shame that followed the first class.

After 2.5 hours of statistics, snippets of videos from the 80s and information on the damaging effects of divorce on children, I dragged myself home, wondering what I'd done to my children. Have I guaranteed them a life of pain and misery? Irreparably damaged them?  Robbed them of their chance to grow into happy, well adjusted adults? I sunk further into my hole of depression where I'd been residing since signing my divorce agreement.

Then, a few days later, Renee asked me, "So I wonder if that was really the message of the class, or if it's just what you heard?"

That tiny voice of reason pulled me out of the darkness. Could there be another way? Just because some people have contentious relationships with their ex and breed destruction in their wake, that doesn't mean I have to. Maybe I can be open and stay focused on co-parenting, regardless of my feelings toward my ex? And maybe there's hope for my children to grow into mature, loving, fully functioning and equipped adults?

At the second class, I arrived with a determination to remain positive.  I wanted to learn how to avoid perpetuating the negative divorce stereotypes. We had a different instructor for this class, one who'd been divorced herself. She shared some inspiring reminders to help us stay on track and limit the damaging effects of this experience on our children:

1.    I will love my child more than I hate or resent my ex.

2.    I will allow and help my child to love both parents.

3.    The only person I can change is me! (I need to be accountable for my words and actions. I will take the high road.)

4.    When my children are with me, it's my time to parent them. I will provide limits with love and won't be a Disney Dad or Mall Mom.

5.    I am never done as a parent; it's my job to stay connected to my children.

These are reminders for me to stay focused on my children. Parenting isn't about me, or what happened with my marriage or how I feel about my ex. Raising children is about doing what's best for them: cooking them vegetables, requiring a hat and gloves in the winter or sunblock in summer, cordially communicating about parenting issues with an ex and keeping the child out of the middle.

So perhaps the parenting workshop accomplished what it was intended to do: To remind me that in order to be the best parent I can be, I need to remain focused on what's best for my children, those two little people I love most in the world. I can be angry, disappointed and afraid, but need to display it appropriately in front of them (saving the bitter retorts for when I'm away from them). And when I feel myself struggling to remain within these boundaries, I'll know I need to do some more personal work to ensure that my children come through the divorce happy, healthy and secure in the love of both their parents.

For your own personal work, we've scheduled a new six-week Base Camp to begin Thursday, February 10. And if you are in need of a Parents Apart workshop for court, we highly recommend Robin Zucker's class held in numerous locations along the North Shore and Metro Boston. Visit her website at Divorce Without Destruction for more information.

 

A Workshop for Lawyers: Finding Balance and Meaning in Your Work and Life is a four part workshop led by Maxine Sushelsky, LMHC on Saturdays, February 12, 19, 26 and March 5, 11am to 12:15pm at 279 Massachusetts Avenue, Arlington MA. Cost is $140 and preregistration is required by contacting Maxine at Maxine@transitionstherapist.com or 617-458-9072.