• Children experience divorce from the moment of separation- when one parent moves out. Their initial reaction may be disbelief of what is happening and profound grief, but the journey through a variety of feelings is normal. Give your child the opportunity to talk, offer empathetic comments, but do not force it.
• Children will react according to their developmental needs in most cases. For example, a younger child mostly wants to know the concrete aspects of divorce-where she will live or will she change schools; she does not need explanations of why marriages end. However, the older the child, the more she may be interested in the permanence (or lack of) of love relationships.
• Children's experience of divorce is akin to watching their family break. It often results in an unusual and premature psychological separation between child and parent, and the child may have some difficulty talking with a parent about it. An outside adult may be helpful.
• The most important factor in the successful grieving and acceptance of divorce for children is the amount of conflict remaining between the parents. Shielding children from disputes about money, visitation, infidelity, etc., is essential for allowing the child to focus on her own needs. Even if the child asks, it is important to cite these issues as adult matters. When there is high conflict, children may become hypervigilant to tension. Parents should exercise their own vigilance and not allow themselves to express their anger toward the other parent in front of their children. 

Building a successful co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse is the single best thing you can do for your children as you go through divorce and afterward. There are concrete strategies to minimize conflict, promote a child-centered family life, and allow your children to grow up and be capable of having a functional, rewarding relationship themselves.
 
Leslie Row, LICSW, a clinician at Life Management Associates in Harvard,works with children and adolescents, and has worked with many divorced families. She will be a special contributor at the Collaborative Co-parenting Workshop on May 9 and will discuss how children experience divorce and review some of the strategies mentioned above to help you practice a successful co-parenting relationship.