When arguing with someone, do you assume you know what he or she is going to say next, as if you "have heard it all before?"

If you do, you probably aren't listening to what the other person is saying. This only makes the situation worse. The other person senses you are not hearing him or her and keeps trying to say it a different way to get you to understand. You are most likely feeling the same way--not heard. Thus, we get ourselves into endless loops of bickering that get us nowhere.

Here's a way to break out of the loop: Get curious!

As soon as you know an argument is beginning, force yourself, if you have to, to really listen to what the other person is saying. That means not thinking about what you're going to say next but really listening. Then let your curiosity take over. You really might not know what is going on. Ask the where, how, when, questions. Ask the other person why he is sensitive about this. Is he being triggered by a past experience? a previous hurt? having a bad day?

Ask from a place of curiosity, don't be patronizing. If you ask questions you are really asking for a dialogue. When we operate in the give and take of a dialogue, anger lessens, defensiveness diminishes, and both parties win!

Consider being curious an act of self care. You'll find yourself less irritable and more likely to feel good about how you are in your relationship.