Do not look for approval except for the consciousness of doing your best - Andrew Carnegie
 

The pressure to excel  can create a fear of action. This distress is a prison, where you are so trapped by the horror of disappointing others, that you believe you must be perfect otherwise you will not be loved. In this prison you say 'yes' for fear of being labelled 'bad'.

The human soul experiences growth through being free, making mistakes and being able to express itself fully. Constantly seeking approval derives from an over-preoccupation with imagining what people are thinking about you. It is your way of trying to control their perceptions of you. It entraps you and constrains your growth. This can lead you to feeling stuck.

Do you feel like you would 'die' if someone, like your boss, or your spouse, or your child, thought badly of you?

Do you go to extreme lengths to compromise and keep peace?

Do you make excuses or apologies in order to defend yourself or give a better opinion of yourself?

Are you afraid to say what you think because you feel people will find it stupid?

Some approval seeking is inevitable. It makes sense to 'fit in' with other people, to maintain strong social bonds. But chronic approval seeking leaves you vulnerable to being manipulated by people who pick up that you're anxious to please them, that your main priority is that 'everything be okay'.

There are several values that can replace the drive for 'being seen as perfect'. These include believing that you deserve to have good things come your way, and that you deserve to experience true love and simple happiness.

Here is a weekly plan for you to get out of the trap:

Friday: Practice saying what you think. Start practicing speaking your mind a little more and let the 'consequences' sort themselves out. Most of the time no one is offended at all - and, as long as you don't set out to hurt others, if they are upset it's only because you've started behaving in a way that lets them feel they have less 'power' over you.

Saturday: Practice pleasing yourself. Constantly seeking approval means you're perpetually worried that others are forming a bad opinion of you. Do stuff now and then purely because you want to. This is not being selfish; it's letting other people know that you're a multi-dimensional person with your own tastes, ideas, and enthusiasms.

Sunday: Remember you can't control what others think, anyway. People like 'nice' people, for sure; but, paradoxically, trying to be all things to all people can make you less appreciated, because people are generally drawn to an aura of self-confidence. So remind yourself regularly that you can influence other people's perception of you some of the time, but you can't control it.

Monday: Don't assume people make black or white assessments of you. People who are overly concerned with approval assume that I others will think them 'a terrible person' or 'a loser' if they say or do something that isn't somehow right. Truth is, most people don't make heavily judgmental decisions about other people based on a few words or even actions. Constantly worrying that someone else is inwardly going to condemn you as an 'awful person' is over-estimating the 'black or whiteness' of other people's perceptions of you.

Tuesday: Don't play the game of disapproval. Some people use disapproval as a weapon. If you've had what amounts to a phobia of disapproval, then such people will scare and therefore control you if you play their games. Focus on what you think and want. If someone seems to disapprove, call them out on it. Ask them what their problem is. As weird as it sounds, you have every right to disapprove of their disapproval.

Wednesday: Stop judging others. When you prejudge people, you unconsciously expect that others are doing that to you too, and this can weigh on you to the point of distress. When you walk into a room, just be in the moment, and remember that everyone has much more to offer than what you see at first glance.

Thursday: Give and be kind to yourself. If you cannot give and be kind to yourself, you cannot love yourself enough to believe that you deserve to be unconditionally loved, truly heard and treated with human dignity. Putting yourself first isn't selfish. It is a necessary step in your growth. When you have appreciation for yourself, others will too, because you teach people how to treat you.

As you reflect on this topic, see if you can identify situations that taught you to seek approval to the point of practically imprisoning yourself.

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