The term "gremlin", denoting a mischievous creature that sabotages aircraft, originates in Royal Air Force slang in the 1920s. Gremlins were responsible for otherwise inexplicable accidents which sometimes occurred during flights. In coaching terms, a gremlin is a habit that stops people from achieving their goals in business or life. Gremlins are also known as the inner critic, negative self talk or negative fantasizing. Gremlins are the keepers of the status quo. They love to keep you locked in your comfort zone and they are experts at blocking you from reaching (and sometimes even seeing) your greatest potential.
When your teen distances himself from you, your gremlin tells you "you cannot manage his moods", and so you keep away, making the gap wider. When your teen acts up your gremlin tells you "she is impossible to manage" and you retreat into self-righteous world and leave her alone to navigate the twin confusions of wanting to belong while desiring to be independent. When your teen shouts hateful words at you the gremlin says "you have been provoked! Shout back, punish". And so you do, and send them a message that you do not love or respect them, even when that is not true.
Gremlins love to act out your worst fears. When it comes to teens, you are vulnerable because it is a confusing time for them, and you will be questioning your parenting skills more than ever. They can act weird, and bring back memories and emotions from your own childhood. If these memories and emotions are not pleasant it makes it harder for you to parent your teen effectively.
Still, you can break the cycle.
Awareness of what informs and influences your parenting style is the first step to breaking the cycle. Parenting is a journey fraught with trial and error. And as we navigate the roads as parents we carry along our baggage as individuals.
How does this baggage get in the way of your seeing the signs and taking the right direction? How much is this baggage weighing you down? You can only think of how tired you are and so have no energy to spare for your teenager. To what extent is this baggage reflected in your parenting style? How willing are you to do something differently so that teenage become an enlightening journey for you and your teen, rather than self defeating conflict?
We are free to create the life we want, regardless of where we come from. And in the process of healing, creating, and thriving, we gift our children with not having to deal with our wounds, baggage and pain, and free them up to live an amazingly brilliant life. They get to be free too.
So don't let that gremlin tell you "teens are impossible". Take a step to free yourself today.