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IDEA TO ACTION QUOTE: Although there are trial marriages there is no such thing as a trial child - Gail Sheehy.
 Before you read on please do the following exercise:
Write down one or two statements you remember your parents constantly using as you grew up. Now take a moment to think about what these statements mean to you now, what effect they have had on your life, what emotions they evoque in you.
Hold that thought as you read about 5 things you must never say to your child. I am highlighting them here because in the last 2 weeks I have heard someone say some of them to a child, or spoken to child who has had one or more of these statements said to him.
1. You are stupid/ugly/fat/promiscuous/bad.
Building self esteem in children is one of parents' core responsibilities. This statement does the exact opposite. Children who are brought up with such words struggle to accept themselves in life and can go to extremes to please people who may not have their interests at heart.
2. Mummy/Daddy doesn't like bad boys/girls.
Parents do not have the option, during their children's formative years, to like or not like their children. Conditional love is as damaging as making the statement above. Parents can separate unwanted behaviour from the person of the child and focus on that. Instead of calling children bad, talk about what they did that they shouldn't. And reassure the child that you love them, even when you don't like their behaviour.
3. What will people think?
While this statement may appear harmless, constant use reinforces the idea that your child must get the approval of 'people' rather than go by internalised values and principles. This will come back to haunt you when your teenager follows the crowd into destructive behaviour. Encourage your children to filter behaviour through the lens of positive values.
4. Don't ask. Shut up.
Self expression is one of the most important building blocks for healthy relationships. When you block your child from expressing herself or himself you stand in the way of such relationships. Children who are unable to express themselves may be taken advantage of in all sorts of ways. As adults they will struggle to build and stay in positive relationships.
5. If it wasn't for you I would be richer/ far in my career.
It is a fact that no child ever asks to be born. Do not blame them for anything that goes wrong in your life.
Now, to finish the exercise you started earlier, imagine your child doing the above exercise at some point in the future. What will they write down? How proud are you of the statements they write down?
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