With the troop draw downs upon us we start looking at the prospect of parents coming home! How exciting this time can be for everyone. Much of the ease or disruption of returning home can depend on the age of your children. That's exactly why this next series of articles is designed according to age groups. In each one we'll focus on a specific age group and you'll find timelines, recommendations, suggestions, and ideas for reconnecting to help you all bond quicker and more successfully. To begin this series, let's look at some reminders that may get lost, some guidelines to telling your kids that their parent is coming home.
Keep in mind:
* Not all children will follow patterns, and you may only observe minor and occasional behavior changes.
* Be realistic. Don't set reunion expectations too high. Remember that behaviors or habits that were there before deployment have not suddenly disappeared.
* Don't expect too much too fast. Take time to be a family again.
* All children want their new found independence to be noticed by the returning parent.
* Your children have gone through many changes during your time apart - physically, emotionally, and intellectually.
* Children will need time to adjust to the change of you being home. Just have fun and enjoy being with them.
More than anything, children will want to know if things will be the same as they were before deployment and will they still be loved and needed. Do everything you can to reassure them that they will!
Preschoolers:
For those young ones who are still at home and haven't entered school, you should tell them closer to when the parent is actually coming home. This makes sense because little ones don't have a very good sense of time. Did you do a countdown jar or take a link off a paper chain for each day their parent was gone? That's the reason those ideas worked so well-the child could only understand what was happening that day and could visually see the "countdown" as links were removed. They'll be fine with you saying something like, "Daddy will be home after you go to sleep and wake up two more times." They may not be able to process much more than that.
Ages 5 to 12 years
School age children know more about time. That may have to do with the idea that they relate things now to their school day.
* You can provide more details at this age and give them more "lead time."
* Let them take part in the planning activities for homecoming like making banners, shopping for favorite foods, etc.
* Take time to answer their questions as they arise.
* This additional time lets a child think things out and do their own planning and preparing.
Teenagers
Teenagers tend to tune things out and become even moodier and more stand-offish than they usually are! You won't be disappointed if that's what you expect.
* As the parent at home, read the signals from your teen as to when you should let them in on the news.
* Keep them up-to-date on the details as the time gets closer.
* From this point on, you may have to just "let them be" and adjust on their own.
* Always let them know that you're here to talk if they want to. Some will want to talk and others won't. I hear from parents that it depends a lot on the type of relationship you've had all along and what you've each come to expect as far as predictable behavior.
By this time your family may have been through numerous deployments and have become accustomed to what to expect from the kids. Other families are still experiencing their first homecomings. That's why it's important that we not make assumptions concerning individual families...each one is different. Next time we begin to look at what to expect from children regarding reintegration based on their age group. In the meantime...welcome home!
Dear Newsletter Buddies,