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Look Who's Talking
There is a conceptual framework I use when working with my clients that I want to share with you today. It is for distinguishing different parts of your psyche to allow for more self-awareness and self-understanding. Having insight into your thinking and behavior patterns gives you power and possibilities for how to respond to life events. The more freedom you have to respond appropriately, the better life turns out.
There are seven components to the concept called Look Who's Talking.*
Essence - This is our heart, soul, spirit, higher self. That part of us that is a part of God, and that knows God. It is life force energy.
Radiant Child - We are born pure, whole, complete, unique and radiant. Our essence naturally shines through. This part of us knows joy, feels awe and curiosity at the beautiful mystery of life, and is the part of us that loves with all that we are.
Wise Adult - In an ideal world, we grow up with everything we need and are cared for perfectly. We know we are loved and we are taught how to correctly process everything that happens to us. In that ideal world, we grow up to be a Wise Adult. This is the part of us who knows how to be responsible, respectful, introspective, astute. Wise adult observes with compassion, balances head and heart, and allows the radiant child to play while gently protecting with maturity.
Wounded Child - Well, guess what. We don't grow up in an ideal, perfect world. Things happen. Our parents get divorced, the dog dies, we get bullied by classmates, the family moves in the middle of the school year, siblings are born, our boyfriend dumps us, we fail a test, we don't make the sports team we tried out for, etc., etc., etc. In other words, Life happens. The problem is, as children or even young adults, we don't have the faculties needed to process the events of life and the feelings that come with them, so we get wounded. And many people stay wounded.
Shadow - Because we don't know how to deal with the wounding circumstances and we don't know how to understand the feelings that come with them, we tend to feel uncomfortable, ashamed, guilty, afraid of ourselves and our reactions. So, we have to put them away, out of our conscious mind. That's what the shadow is - a closet full of uncomfortable and unresolved memories and feelings that we were not able to, could not have been able to, deal with when we were children.
We make decisions about ourselves, others, love, life, and God as a result of the wounding experiences and we carry those with us for many years. Some carry them forever. They cause us to act irrationally at times - that's the shadow acting out. For example, when the Wounded Child feels hurt, scared, angry, tired, etc., without a Wise Adult on board the Shadow will have a tendency to act out - drinking, shopping, eating, drama and rage are some examples of this. Addictions come from this space. Such extremes are the ultimate acting out of Shadow.
Mask - As children, don't want anyone to see our Wounded Child or Shadow side, so we hide it behind a Mask. Intelligence, humor, sweetness, strength, perfectionism, cynicism - our Masks tends to be made up of aspects of our character that work for us, that help us survive those scary experiences. The problem is that we hide behind them; it is a false self we show to the world in order to feel safe and gain acceptance. Then, when someone falls in love with us, we don't believe it because we had to manipulate them to get them to love us. The good news is that masks are usually based on our strengths. So, you don't have to get rid of them, you just have to use them appropriately.
Critical Voice - The thing that keeps the wounded aspects in place (Wounded Child, Shadow, Mask) is our Critical Voice. More often than not, it beats us into submission, keeps us wounded, and causes the shadow to act out and the mask to be more prominent. In a way, it is a protection mechanism, but unfortunately a very dysfunctional one. The good news is that it is an easily identifiable way to access your wounded child, mask and shadow aspects, so it can be helpful in the process of healing.
And that's the point - to heal. Our job is to identify, learn from, integrate and celebrate all of these aspects of ourselves. That's when we have the best chance of having relationships that are loving and fulfilling, careers that are successful and satisfying, and lives that express who we really are.
Regarding relationships, here is something to consider.
We fall in love at the level of child. Wise Adult makes it safe. Most people choose their lovers from Wounded Child. This is a big reason why the divorce rates are so high these days. Choosing from Radiant Child is best, and having a fully developed Wise Adult to guide the process is the recipe for success.
So, a large part of preparing for and having a wonderful, soul-satisfying love relationship is having a facility with these aspects of self.
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*This framework comes from the STAR program - a powerful10-day personal growth intensive designed to provide healing and growth in all of the Look Who's Talking areas. www.starfound.org
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