Intentionally Loving
I'll bet most of us have said at least once in our lives, "but I didn't intend to hurt you!" - or some version of that - to someone we cared about. And while it may be true that we didn't mean to hurt the other person, it may also be true that the hurt could have been avoided if we had been INTENTIONALLY LOVING.
Being intentionally loving is about consciously choosing our words and actions. It is based on the desire to honor everyone in our lives, and it is about being committed to treating everyone well, not just a select few.
Consider this: what would your life be like if every person you came in contact with went out of their way to be pleasant, compassionate and giving? What would your life be like if you felt unconditional love all the time from everyone? OK, I know, not gonna happen. Not tomorrow anyway. But what if?
You probably already have wonderful relationships in your life. I'm sure you are already as loving as you can be. Yet this relationship concept is suggesting that there might be a new level to go to. It's certainly worth the exploration.
Do you know how you come across to others? Are you aware when your interactions leave people feeling good and when they don't? When someone gets upset with you, do you look to see what part of that you can be responsible for? Do you, in every moment, intend to be loving towards (or at least care for) the other human being(s) in your presence?
Maya Angelou famously said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
How do you make people feel?
Hurting someone unintentionally happens when we're not thinking about how what we're doing or saying might affect the other person. That's usually because we're more concerned about ourselves, or just not paying attention. We may not be aware that what we're doing is hurtful to them because many times the other person won't say so. Therefore, it's up to us to start noticing ourselves. Sometimes just a slight change in behavior will make all the difference in someone else's life (your's too!).
A few areas to look are:
- The tone of your voice: do you sound happy or angry? Interested or bored? Accepting or blaming?
- Your body language: Is the look on your face happy or angry? Interested or bored? Accepting or rejecting? Is your body posture congruent with what you are saying? Are you tense or relaxed? Arms crossed or open?
- Actions you do or don't do: will people feel included or excluded? Considered or ignored?
All anyone ever really wants is to be accepted and validated. Being intentionally loving will allow you to get that for yourself and give it to others at the same time. People are attracted to people who care. You'll get more connection in your relationships -- and more of what you want out of life -- if you're willing to take this on.
Here's a bit of coaching that you may have heard from me before: START WITH YOURSELF FIRST! Though we usually treat others better than we treat ourselves anyway, you'll be much more successful being intentionally loving with others if you're that way with yourself.
Looking at the three things:
- Notice how you talk to yourself. This is where not being intentionally loving shows up the loudest. Listen to yourself - would you say that out loud to someone else? Most of us are pretty hard on ourselves in some way or other. How to change this: A) If you hear yourself beating yourself up, saying "I should" a lot, insulting or putting yourself down in any way, stop immediately and rephrase with a kinder, gentler expression. This is called a "Do Over". It may be uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice the easier it gets. Eventually you'll be nice to yourself most of the time. B) Get to the source - why are you so hard on yourself in the first place? Usually, it is an indication of some emotional healing you need to do.
- Notice your body language. Did you know that your facial muscles and body posture can determine your internal mood? Better to sit up straight and smile as much as possible!
- Notice the things you do or don't do for yourself - like getting your needs met, getting enough rest and exercise and nourishing food, surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and saying "no" to people who don't - are all key to being intentional and living a loving life.
Being intentionally loving at all times may not be humanly possible, but striving for that goal is worth the effort. Doing so will automatically and immediately improve your relationships with others. And that, without question, will improve the quality of your life.
