Let's talk about sex - one of the most rewarding aspects of
our love relationships, and also one of the most challenging. With a common understanding
of each partner's needs, physical intimacy can be quite delightful.
The checklist below is from one of the leading experts in
the relationship arena, Alison Armstrong. Her groundbreaking work has changed the
course of many relationships, and armed with this information it can change yours. Here are her guidelines for creating a safe and
happy sex life, along with some additional editorial from yours truly.
Alison's website: www.celebratingmen.com
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7 things you need to know about sex
1. What
does sex provide for you?
One of the first mistakes we make with each other is
assuming that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander." When it comes
to sex, don't assume you know what physical intimacy provides for your partner
or that he/she knows what it provides for you. Many think it's the same for their
partner and the same over time. Not necessarily true. Tastes, habits,
preferences, desires, our bodies, our lives... all these tend to change over time.
2. What
fills your "Sexy Tank?"
Do you know what puts your mind and your body in the mood
for physical intimacy? Is your partner aware of these things? Could you
describe your partner's "sexy tank" list? Does yours/theirs change with time of
day, month or year? Knowing what gets yours and your partner's engine revving
will increase the chance for fun in bed. Obviously. But have you checked your
sexy-level lately?
3. When
are your "Pumpkin Hours?"
Does it seem that your advances are sometimes unwelcome? Do
you or your partner say "no" more often than you would like? Perhaps it is as
simple as timing. According to Alison, there are times of the day when our
minds and bodies are elsewhere, such as preparing for work, chasing after
children, dealing with an important project, or slowing down for bedtime. In
those moments, sexual advances are risky - they could be met with a "no" at
best, and anger and resentment at worst. To avoid the hurt and harm that can arise
from misunderstandings and rejection, a little bit of communication can go a
long way.
4. Are
you clear on your "Signals?"
How do you indicate your desire for a rendezvous with your
partner? If you notice your flirtations have been ignored a lot lately, he/she
might not even be receiving your signal! It is common for two people in a
couple to "speak different languages" sexually, relationally, even from a
gender perspective. It is safe to assume your partner has a different love
language than you do. BTW: you don't get what you want by speaking louder in
your language, you get what you want by learning a few words in theirs. The
more fluent you are in your partner's "love speak" (sexually or otherwise), the
happier the both of you will be.
For more on Love Languages (the non-sexual kind): The Five Love Languages
5. What
"Desserts" do you serve?
Do you notice that no matter how much people eat at dinner,
there's always room for dessert? How about finding out what that is for your
sex life? What will you "consume" even when you're "not hungry?" What activity
is always a great offer, regardless? Maybe you're not in the mood for a full-on
romp, but a bit of cuddling would be ok with you. Or a gentle backrub will do.
It is good to negotiate these things in advance, so you can be prepared to turn
your "not now honey" into "would dessert be ok for today?" Sugar is always sweet, no matter the form.
6. How
can you be "Jump Started?"
Everyone has words, phrases, tones of voice and/or activities
that are great ways to jump start a dead battery. When you're not in the mood
but open to getting that way, what are some things you and your partner can do
to help you shift gears? Think outside the box here. In his book, Sheet Music, Dr. Kevin Lehman suggests to men that even housework can be great
foreplay. If your woman's mind is on the household chores, you can warm her up
by helping to check a few things off the list.
7. What
is your "End Game?"
What do you need in the minutes, hours and days after sex to
feel appreciated, respected and loved? Here again, you might want to think
outside the box (or box springs, as the case may be). Consider that lovemaking
extends way beyond the physical act. Do you need a phone call, a love note, a
gift, a conversation, or something else? How can you "end" your lovemaking
session in a way that feels satisfying, that might even keep a heart connection
going between times?
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These suggestions are best suited for people in relatively
healthy relationships. Love and intimacy, physical or otherwise, can be quite
complicated. If the above discussions do not prove helpful, it is likely that
there are issues beneath the surface that could be addressed. Please seek
professional help if you need to. Otherwise, use the Sexy 7 to your advantage,
and have a blast!
