Relationship Concepts Newsletter
Power and Vulnerability Vol 1, 2010
In This Issue
Power and Vulnerability
Upcoming Events
Quick Links
Happy Valentines Day! I hope your weekend was full of love, life, and laughter.
 
Welcome to my first newseltter of 2010. My year is off to a productive and busy start. I hope yours is as well.
 
In keeping with the theme of the weekend, this newsletter highlights two important aspects of our inner make-up that are important to having great relationships. When they are in balance, love is possible. Out of balance, and problems arise. I hope this gives you good food for thought and new tools for self improvement. 

Enjoy!
Patty
Power and Vulnerability
 
 
There are two sides to our psyche that are of key importance in our ability to have great relationships. While they are both complimentary and contradictory to each other, it is the combination of the two that makes the difference. They are: Power and Vulnerability.
 
Power is our capacity to influence, make an impact, direct, defend, be assertive or even aggressive when necessary. It is also our capacity to create, be masterful, and move things forward. Power is a masculine trait that allows us to provide, manage, control and to cross or counter (versus join).
 
Vulnerability is our capacity to be open, to be moved and impacted, and to be directed. It enables us to evolve, grow, flow and give birth to the new. Vulnerability is a feminine trait that helps us join, cooperate, care for and receive.
 
It is the healthy balance of these two that creates harmonious, productive, safe, loving and effective relationships. This balance is called Grace:  being powerful with sensitivity, and
being vulnerable with strength.
 
Most of us, during childhood, had experiences that damaged our centers of power and vulnerability. This caused us to lose touch with these aspects - they either became so big we couldn't control them, or they were buried behind our attempt to keep from getting out of control. Now as adults with this imbalance in play, relationship problems inevitably arise.
 
Power
Wounds to this center typically come from having an absent father (literally or figuratively), our power being punished (like being ridiculed or thwarted when trying to exert/express ourselves), or having been given too much power (not being disciplined, given too much freedom).
 
Symptoms of a power wound look like this: insensitive, bull in a china shop, oblivious to others, a "doing disorder", the need to make a mark for its own sake, bullying, cruelty, angry and/or controlling nature and the need to be right. Imagine an electrical wire that's been broken - the uncontained electricity spews out everywhere and is very dangerous.
 
Sometimes, in order to over-compensate for the symptoms of our power wounds, we defend by being too soft, passive, passive-aggressive, deferential or overly humble. We become afraid of our power, so we hide from it - we can't complete, can't compete, are unclear and indecisive.
 
Vulnerability
Wounds to this center come from any kind of abuse/intrusion, an absent mother, being made a surrogate spouse for your parent, medical procedures and surgeries, and traumatic events.
 
Symptoms of vulnerability wounds look like this: raw, overly sensitive, caretaker, too open, fearful, codependent (feeling others' feelings more that our own, putting others first), victim, spacey, vacuous, indecisive.
 
Defenses are: becoming callous, prickly (cactus/porcupine), harsh, overly intellectual, macho, or double-sealed (no one can get in).
 
With vulnerability wounds, we are like a house with the doors and windows blown off, or a domineering guard dog that doesn't let anyone in. Or both, and usually at the wrong time.
 
Rx - Antidotes
Obviously, being out-of-balance in either aspect will interfere with our relationship connections. Who wants to be with a bully? With someone who can't stand up for themselves? With someone who shuts us out, or who is underhanded when dealing with difficult issues?
 
Without grace, relationships devolve into power struggles and battles to prove who is right and who is wrong. Fear becomes the basis of the connection. An imbalance in these areas is like having big lumps in your tires - the car doesn't drive very well, and the ride is pretty bumpy.
 
Fortunately, there is a remedy. Each aspect can be an antidote for a wound in the other. And, as always, awareness is the first step.
  • What of the above descriptions sounds familiar to you? Have you been on the receiving end of these behaviors? Can you see any of them in yourself?
  • Where in your childhood did you feel dishonored, violated, terrified, not seen or not respected?
  • Were your parents ever overly strict or overly permissive?
  • What happened in your family when you reached puberty? (This is a time of big power surges internally and even bigger power struggles externally, with parents/authority figures.)
  • Did you experience bullying at school, from peers or teachers or coaches?
  • Did you ever feel as though you didn't "fit in" - with your family or other groups?
 
Exploring the answers to these questions can give you a clue into the issues you may need to deal with in yourself. The second step is to practice new behaviors. Here are just a few examples:
  • Vulnerability - setting boundaries, saying no, saying "ouch" to things that hurt, taking care of your needs first. In other words, being more "in control", more powerful in your life.
  • Power -  letting go of control (even if only a bit at a time), letting others win or have the last say, listening and yielding to others, standing up for yourself in a way that doesn't put others down, being more gentle in action, tone and word.
  • Both - increasing self acceptance (first and foremost), learning new communication and conflict management skills, managing fear, and dealing with the original wound(s).
Successful relationships require a lot of grace between two people, especially intimate love relationships. Healing, developing and balancing your power and vulnerability centers will give you a newfound access to having deeper, more meaningful, more rewarding, and happier connections with the people in your life.
 

Upcoming Events

  
Solo to Soulmate (women only)
Great relationships don't happen by accident!

Is your love life worth celebrating? Want to have more grace in your relationships with men? Then this class is for you!

 
May 2010
: Four Mondays, May 3, 10, 17, 24 from 7:00 to 10:00pm
Location: Comfort Inn, Sandy Springs - 5793 Roswell Road
 
NOTE: Can't make this classes?
Consider hosting your own Solo to Soulmate! Call for details.
 
Soulmate Journey - NEW CLASS starting in June
A monthly gathering for graduates of Solo to Soulmate - to support new success in your dating and relationship journey. 
 
Meets: The second Saturday of every month - timing TBD
Location: 5825 Glenridge Drive, Sandy Springs 
 
Divorce Money Matters Teleseminar
Lisa Decker, owner of Divorce Money Matters and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, will be interviewing me about my Solo to Soulmate relationship workshops. This teleclass will be informative and interactive. Register with Lisa to join in:
Click here for teleseminar