There is a theory originating from physics called self-organization that refers to the process in which a system automatically orders, organizes or adapts itself. Typically, there are certain aspects that the system will arrange itself around. These are called organizing principles.
This concept can be applied to the system of the human mind, as well. As children, our experiences teach us about ourselves, others, the world. We self-organize based on input we receive from our world and based on our interpretation of that input. The resulting belief systems become our organizing principles.
Whether you are aware of them or not, you have belief systems in place that come from your natural instinct to organize and adapt to your world. If your childhood experiences were good, you have a solid foundation for future fulfillment. If they were not, then your organizing principles cause a lot of pain. Most of us have a little bit of both.
The challenge inherent in our personal organizing principles is that they are the standard of comfort by which everything else is measured. In other words, our organizing principles become our "comfort zone", even though that zone might not be so comfortable.
If, for example, a child grows up in a household in which one parent is unreasonably or unpredictably angry on a regular basis, she by nature finds a way to survive that experience. Over time, she learns to "be comfortable" with the extreme discomfort of her parent's anger. This then becomes her standard of living, her organizing principle. Later as an adult, she attracts/is attracted to angry people, or to people who will cause her to feel angry. Lovers, friends, bosses, family, even strangers. It becomes a recurring theme in her life. It might show up as a belief such as, "I don't deserve to be treated well." She may not even know it is there.
The problem is that, once organized, we limit ourselves primarily to experiences that validate our beliefs. Anything contrary to an organizing principle feels uncomfortable and is rejected, ignored, or not even seen. In the example above, this woman would likely reject a "nice guy" because he is someone who treats her well or who is not experienced as angry, both of which are outside of her comfort zone. Or, she might marry a nice guy, but her organizing principles will create friction in their relationship, causing her to experience him as not so nice.
Here are some examples of other beliefs that cause difficult relationship situations. See if you can come up with some of your own.
*I don't need anyone
*I'm always in the way
*I need someone to rescue me
*Life is hard
*Relationships are hard
*Love hurts
*I'm not good enough
*I'm not loveable
*I don't deserve to be happy
*I'd rather be alone
The good news is that change is possible. You can unravel and eliminate unproductive negative beliefs. Old organizing principles can be trashed. You CAN design your life around positive, nurturing, living thought patterns if you want to. Doing so will allow you to have positive, nurturing, loving experiences in relationships - how's that for a new organizing principle? Lasting changes take time and effort, but they're well worth it.
Here are 5 steps to dismantling unproductive belief systems.
AWARENESS: You first have to know that they are there. Identify and observe them going on in your own life.
ACTION: You must DO SOMETHING to change yourself. Actions that impact negative patterns are both forward-facing and backward-facing. Forward = learning to be comfortable with new beliefs and experiences. Backward = using various methods available (such as coaching, counseling, classes) for completing past experiences so that you don't have to repeat them in future relationships.
ALIGNMENT: Keep reminding yourself of your commitment to change. Find ways that help you line-up with what it is you want to create. Old habits are hard to break. Many of us revert to old behaviors a few times before we are entirely "reorganized". Just because you slip up doesn't mean you are doomed to fail. It just means there is more work to do.
APPLICATION: Change takes time. You have to practice, practice, practice, practice and practice some more ... until your new patterns are formed.
ACKNOWLEDGMENT: Celebrate your results! Acknowledge yourself for how far you've come, even if it is the smallest of steps. This helps to make your progress easier, more real and longer-lasting.
In parting, here are some things to consider that can help in identifying underlying belief systems:
*Who/what drains your energy?
*Is there someone, something you complain about on a consistent basis? What is familiar about that?
*What difficult situations do you tend to experience a lot in your life? What is familiar about that?
*What do you want that you think you may never have? Why do you think that?
*Is there a negative thought or feeling that keeps recurring? Where did you learn to feel, think that way?
*What challenging experiences do you keep repeating in your relationships? What belief might be hidden in that?
*Are you willing to change your old, self-defeating thought patterns? Or are you addicted to them?
Resources
The Tao of Chaos, by Stephen Wolinsky
The Drama of The Gifted Child, by Alice Miller
Homecoming, by John Bradshaw
What the Bleep. (a movie) --
www.whatthebleep.com
