PFCoaching Newsletter

If you have ever been in a relationship, you are certain to have had a number of complaints about your significant other. Dirty laundry on the floor, wet towels on the counter, dirty dishes in the sink. Too loud, to quiet, he snores, she snores. Not enough couple time, not enough alone time, he doesn't talk, she doesn't listen. She tries to control, he argues all the time, he is so stubborn, she's too compliant. Recognize any of these? Can you add a few more?

Too often, our complaints dominate our relationship, robbing us of affection, intimacy, satisfaction and fun. But we don't like our complaints, so we say. Then why do we have so many, and why do we hang on so tightly?

Before I give you an answer, let me ask a couple more questions.

What is it you desire in your love relationship? Balance, harmony, peace of mind, romance, someone to take care of you, someone for you to take care of, partnership, love, intimacy, spiritual connection, a witness, a playmate. And the list goes on. Other relationship desires can be: fulfill my needs, don't ask for too much, take care of yourself, love me for who I am, accept me, validate me, know me, keep me company. This list is not inclusive -- feel free to contribute some of your own.

What is it you entered into the relationship wanting and hoping for? Many of us want completion, satisfaction, safety/security, "not alone", fun, companionship, unconditional love. Sometimes we get that, sometimes we don't. But whatever is on our list, we are always looking for it. Always.

And while this is common, human, sometimes challenging and sometimes wonderful, what we fail to see is that our desires, hopes, ideals and standards are a big fat trap, a set up for trouble.

That's because we want all of it. And if we do not get all of it, we feel upset. Hence, the complaining.

It is also because not only do we want all of it, we want it all of the time. It's not ok for our significant other to fall short. Hence, the complaining.

There is more. Deep down in the depths of our being, not only do we want all of it all of the time, we also want it from everyone, everywhere. Life should be perfect! Hence the complaining. Hence a world full of dissatisfied people.

And, best of all, what would make life really perfect is to get
all of it,
all of the time,
from everyone,
everywhere,
FOREVER!

Quite demanding, aren't we? Did you have any idea?

Here's the kicker: all of it all the time from everyone everywhere forever wouldn't be enough! Even if life were perfection perfect, it would still not be enough. Are you starting to get the picture?

Now, if you're saying, "No, not me! I am not like that!" then chances are you feel resigned. You may want that perfection, but you are certain you will never have it. There are a lot of people who live like that. Hence, the complaining.

I call this complex The Fantasy Land of Perfection (e. g., FLOP). And I assert that most of us are addicted to our fantasy land of perfection. I encourage you to look to see how it impacts your life at home and at work, everywhere really, and how tightly you hang on to your standards and ideals. Any flopping going on?

What I find most interesting about FLOP is that it is part of our human condition - we are not meant to be wholly satisfied. At times, perhaps, but not for the long run. That's how God ensures that evolution happens. This is a good thing.

We are born with an inner hunger, an urge for more, better, best. It may be suppressed due to resignation or it may go away temporarily as we celebrate a milestone or victory, or maybe we're just having a good day -- but it is always there, waiting to return. The key is to use the urge to keep growing and striving for improvement in your life and relationship.

So, if you find yourself flopping, what is the antidote? Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

Be aware that you have standards and ideals, most of them very high. Be aware that you want all of it all the time from everyone everywhere forever. Notice your response to imperfection: complaint, anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, victim, walls, judgment, etc. Check to see how addicted you might be to these feelings.

Accept that you will never be perfect, and neither will your partner. Nor your boss, co-worker, or employee. Nor your mom, dad, sis or bro. Friends, either. Neighbors, too. Accept your complaints. Accept your partner for his/her issues, the cashier who fails to smile and the flight attendant who bumps your arm with the service cart. Accept that traffic is a bear and so is the guy who just pulled in front of you.

Take action. Do something to grow your ability to be less reactive in life. Learn more about the commitment you have that underlies your complaints. Get support for growing your couple. Make a request of your partner (boss, mother, or other) that will help both of you with the issue you feel challenged by. Follow the inner urge in another direction; in other words, use your dissatisfaction as the impetus to explore the evolution of yourself that wants to happen.

Obviously, FLOP applies to all relationships, to all of life. It is a simple concept that can, if used wisely, steer you in new directions that will move you beyond dissatisfaction into new levels of joy, intimacy and love.

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