PFCoaching Newsletter

I thought it would be helpful to you to have some concrete, specific examples of the Three Fears I discussed last month. Below are abbreviated versions of several experiences of working through the process.

As a quick reminder, the three core fears are:

--Abandonment (environment and safety)

--Rejection (of values, what's important to us)

--Loss of power (our ability to control ourselves/others, to maintain a certain self-image)

If you need a detailed reminder of the process, here's a link to last month's newsletter:

April 09 - The Three Fears

Example #1
Triggering event

She asked him to do something around the house. He said yes, then didn't fulfill on his promise to her.

Initial reaction
She reacted - outrage, blame, self pity - "You never do as you say. This always happens. Why do I have to do all the work?"
He countered - shame, resistance, retreat - "Why do you always have to bring up the past? It's not that big a deal."
She gets more upset.
He retreats further.

In an ordinary relationship, this is where the cycle ends. Nothing gets resolved, and the issue resurfaces and replays again and again. Resignation and resentment build until, well, you know how it goes. For some, it's a lifetime of misery. For others, the end of the relationship. Using this Three Fear methodology, you can break the negative cycle to create a new, powerful, connected experience in relationship.

Authentic emotion and core fear
Once she stopped and looked, she saw that her authentic reaction was hurt - she felt unloved and unlovable. For her, unloved equals unsafe.
Her Core Fear: abandonment

Past-based patterns
Her father, a successful business owner, worked a lot. When he came home, he retreated into his study for some peace and quiet. Weekends weren't much different. He had no time for her, and she felt no connection with him. When they did connect, he was abusive. Growing up, she felt unloved, abandoned, not seen, not cared for. Thus, any time her husband's behavior resembles in some way her experience with her father, old patterns and feelings get triggered.

Process
Once she made the connections about her authentic emotions, core fear, and past experience, she approached her husband from a different, non-argumentative stance.
She said - "It feels as though you don't love me when you forget your promises to me. How can we avoid this in the future?"
He said - "I can see why you feel that way. What if we put this task in the calendar to help me remember?"

Name the dance
Dodge ball (She throws, he dodges - or vice versa) - past-based patterns show up in our relationships as lead-and-follow dances. If you can name it and know it and call it as it's happening, that's another way of getting yourself out of the spiral before it's too late.

Example #2
What happened?

He asked her to do her portion of some paperwork related to insurance documentation that they needed to submit. She didn't deliver when he expected.

Initial reaction
He fussed - outrage, blame - "You disrespected me! You promised you would do this!"
She countered - outrage, blame - "You didn't tell me you needed it today! How can you be so demanding?!"
He gets more frustrated and upset.
She does too.

Authentic emotion and core fear
He felt hurt and frustration. It felt as if she did not take him and his need seriously. That seemed disrespectful to him.
His Core Fear: rejection. For him, not being respected equals not being valued.

What's Familiar? (Pattern)
His father left the family when he was very young. He never saw his Dad again. Even though the father made plans to get together, he never honored his promise to come visit. When she seemingly broke her promise to her husband, she had become his father.

Process
He said - "I'm sorry I got angry. I thought I was clearer with my request than I was. I felt rejected when I thought you didn't come through."
She said - "I'm sorry. I misunderstood. When you yell at me, I feel unworthy."
They said - "Next time let's be clear about when something needs to happen. We will specify the deadline together."

Name the dance

The Two Ton Tackle - once feelings get hurt, they both attack.

Example #3
What happened?

Nothing. There is no "other" for something to happen with.

Initial reaction

She feels outrage, anger, self-pity. "Where's my man????"

Authentic Emotion: loneliness, sadness, hurt.
Her Core Fear: loss of power.

Pattern
Growing up, her family was oppressive, hurtful, and controlling. From her past experience, she learned that love wasn't safe. In order to avoid this kind of pain in other relationships, she put up protective walls and did what she could to control her environment as a way of feeling safe. She deeply wanted a relationship; she yearned to be in love with a wonderful man and have a great life with him. However, her defense mechanisms kept that from happening.

Process
Since there is no partner with whom to process (yet!), this can be done with friends as a way of practicing. Using a therapist, counselor or coach to remove the walls and get beyond past-based reactions is also recommended. It's hard to rid oneself of these things without help.

Name this one: The Chicken Dance - she's afraid to let anyone get near.

We all have some core fear, or combination of them, rumbling around inside waiting to be triggered. I've found that working with this process while addressing the initial wounds helps to reduce the impact and frequency of relationship challenges. I trust this will work for you too, if you apply it.