August-September Newsletter

Today, August 2008 is about to roll out and September 2008 is about to roll in. So is Hurricane Gustav.

For those of you along the Gulf Coast who are in the process of evacuating and whose homes and lives will be effected, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. May the storm pass quickly and may your lives return to normal very soon.

Blessings to everyone,

Have you ever noticed how much we complain about each other? This is especially true when it comes to the opposite sex. My husband this, my wife that. Men this, women that. Lots of finger pointing, very little generosity. And these are the people we say we love!

The concept of Couple Speak comes from an organization called Couples Coaching Couples, a group that helps couples stay focused on the power and health of their "love connection". We look at not just about how we are as a couple at home alone, but also how we are out in public, both with and without each other. Is (big C) Couple present in your speaking about your spouse/partner/significant other? Or not? How you speak about each other can either diminish or empower the connection you have.

At a party I attended recently, I was introduced to a married couple sitting nearby. When they heard that I was a relationship coach, the woman said to me, "Don't you find that men are stupid?" I was flabbergasted. Her husband was right there next to her! It made me wonder what kind of relationship they have, and I was clear that the power of couple was not present. In case you're wondering, my response was, "No, not at all."

I hear complaints like this a lot. This kind of Couple Speak points to the difficulties men and women have in relationship. Complaining and criticizing are usually based in feelings of powerlessness and fear; it's easier to let off steam with someone else than face a problem that you don't know how to deal with.

Fortunately, there are many resources for learning to overcome relationship issues and create more love and intimacy, and fortunately, a lot of people are succeeding in finding new and more effective ways to relate. Unfortunately, there are still too many who live by the adage, "I exist, therefore I know how to have a relationship." Too many who never question why things aren't working. They just complain, as did the woman I met at the party.

So, what to do? First, start listening. Listen to what others are saying. Listen to what you are saying. What have you said/are you saying, about your spouse/partner/significant other?
What do you say in jest or sarcasm? What do you complain about? How do you respond when others complain about their partner/spouse? Do you commiserate? Do you agree with them? Why?

There are a lot of things we fuss about. Too much/not enough sex. He works too hard, she is too focused on the kids. He's lazy around the house, she's a real nag. He plays too much golf. She plays too much golf. And the list goes on.

Consider this - what is your Couple Speak saying about your relationship? Are you happy in your marriage? Or not? What does your mother think about your spouse based on what you're saying? What about your co-workers? Friends? Others? Is that what you want them to think? How are you representing your couple to the world?

Bottom line: what are you committed to? Are you committed to your complaint, or to having a great relationship?

To move beyond an issue, it helps to look at the feelings that underlie your negative speaking - is it resignation, anger, sadness, fear, or something else? And why? Is there any work to do in your couple around unresolved issues? Are you willing to do whatever it takes?

By exploring your own Couple Speak, you have an opportunity to significantly improve your relationship. In dealing with unresolved issues, you can create a space for a whole new connection to arise. In giving each other the chance to clean up the messes you've each made - things you've said or done that were hurtful, that you regret having said/done, or that disparaged your couple in public - you can infuse your couple with love and forgiveness and begin a powerful healing process. But first, you have to be honest. What have you said that has potentially damaged your couple? What's the worst thing you've ever said about your partner/spouse? Do you have the courage to tell them? Do you have the strength to stop?

When you're ready to do so, look at the positive. What's great about your partner? What had you fall in love with them in the first place? In what ways has your couple grown over the years? What is your vision of couple in the world? Are you creating that in your speaking? What could you be saying about your couple that builds and celebrates each other? Often, we spend so much time in our complaints that we forget to love. This is your chance to turn that old habit around!