How do you act when your spouse or significant other criticizes you? How do you feel when your boss calls you into her office? What do you think when someone important to you lets you down?
If, in these moments you find yourself feeling enraged, afraid, self-critical and/or hurt, you may be doing what's called shadow-boxing.
In keeping with last month's newsletter, these are times when you've gone from "calm assertive" to anything but. Rage, fear, wobbly knees, that lump in your throat, the voice in your head that won't stop recounting the story of what happened - all of these are signs that your shadow is up. And if you find yourself acting, or rather reacting, in ways that are destructive and unproductive, that's shadow-boxing.
First, The Shadow
There are a variety of definitions of this psychological term. Most commonly, it is all of those "human" things (feelings, memories, behaviors, etc.) that are unacceptable to our self-image. According to Robert Johnson in Owning Your Own Shadow, it is "the dumping ground for all the characteristics of our personality that we disown." It's called a shadow because we fail to see it or know it. Others might be able to observe it, but we usually hide it from ourselves.
Second, The Boxing
When we're not in touch with our shadow, we tend to locate it outside ourselves by seing it in others around us. This is what's known as projection. For example, when we're nervous about being called in to see the boss, it's not really her we're interacting with. It may look like the boss, but instead we're "projecting" onto her the mom or dad who became upset at us when we got into trouble as a youngster. How many times have you (or someone else you know) gone into the office in an apologetic or defensive mode, only to find out, with much relief, that whatever your manager needed to discuss had nothing to do with you (or them)? That's shadow-boxing.
Shadow-boxing is most easily seen in love relationships. Does your lover push your buttons, making you really angry or annoyed at times? Have you ever been told that "you're blowing things out of proportion?" Are you able to take criticism more easily from others than from your Number One? These are signs that the shadow of the past is leaking into your life in the present. Most battles between you and other people (especially a spouse or significant other) are really battles with your shadow. And theirs.
More telltale signs:
� Recurring arguments or conflict patterns ("here we go again!")
� Fighting about the little things, like the soap dish, who gets what side of the bed, how, when or why something gets done
� A series of small disappointments that eventually erupt into battle
� Using the language of extremes like "you never", "you always", "you just don't care"
Third, The TKO
Undistinguished shadows are an upset waiting to happen. According to Robert Johnson, "warfare is inevitable. When your shadow is like a gasoline can waiting for a match to fall in it, you are fair game for anyone who wants to irritate you." These battles frequently rage on the inside, going on in our head long before they show up in our outer world. Unless and until we come to terms with our shadow, it will rob us of the power, success, and love we all want to experience.
The good news is that what lies in the depths and the darkness of our shadows is our access to peace, freedom, wisdom, love and joy. As challenging as it can be to confront, it's worth the effort and the rewards are great.
The first thing to do is explore people, situations, and things you find upsetting. Notice your reactions, and use your body to help you determine whether you are in the past (shadow) or the present. According to John Lee in Growing Yourself Back Up, present anger creates very little tension or stress in the body. It's only the shadow/past that stirs us up.
Next, consider that you actually put yourself with those people and in those challenging situations for a purpose. Ultimately, the psyche wants to be healed. It's one of the reasons we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. From a spirit/soul level, there's a lesson that wants to be learned.
Then, begin to separate your current situation, your feelings about what happened, your reaction to it, and any shadow aspects that might be running, in order to heal the past and bring yourself more powerfully into the present. This is best done with skilled help - using a mentor, therapist, counselor or coach. Be gentle with yourself. This process takes time, effort, patience and persistence. You may find that you have some resistance to it at first, but it gets easier.
If you're interested in exploring this topic further, there are many helpful books available. To name a few:
Robert Johnson - Owning Your Own Shadow
John Lee - Growing Yourself Back Up
Harville Hendrix - Getting the Love You Want
Debra Mandel - Your Boss is Not Your Mother
This is the cliff notes version of the cliff notes version of the concept of shadow, the proverbial tip of the iceberg. I hope it has inspired you to look deeper. Healing the shadow part of ourselves, to me, is a very important, very spiritual process. Through self-awareness and self-acceptance, it teaches us to open our heart to ourselves and others. That's when true passion comes alive!
