I look at this concept in two ways: little "s" selfish and Big "S" Selfish.

Little "s" selfish is as you would imagine: greedy, self-centered, me-me-me, I don't care about you kind of thinking and behavior. There are plenty of people who operate in this state, and many of us have been negatively impacted by their behavior. It would make sense that a conscious, caring human being would not want to be this way. And, there are ways to take care of oneself without being selfish.

Big "S" Selfish is different. It's about you taking care of you so that your life and soul and heart are big and full and healthy and happy. When you do this, you end up with more to give, and a desire to give more. This kind of "selfish" may impact people around you in the short run, but everyone benefits in the long run. And you can minimize the impact by how you go about taking care of yourself and how you address the people around you. Communication and attitude are key. Here are some examples.

#1: In order to get ahead you need to go to school at night (or work late for an extended period). Little "s" selfish would do this without regard to how it impacts family and friends. They would demand the time, force everyone else to work around their schedules, and disregard regular duties around the house. Big "S" Selfish would carve out time to attend to family (even if it's not as much as all would like), negotiate appropriate involvement in household chores, and find ways to appreciate others for their sacrifice and support.

#2: Someone upset you. Your feelings were hurt and as a result you also feel angry. Little "s" selfish would blow their cool and retaliate in some way. Or they'd give the cold shoulder/silent treatment. Big "S" Selfish would express their feelins more appropriately, using "I" statements, explaining what was upsetting and making requests for ways to avoid a repeat experience.

Something to consider is that we can sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we're not being selfish when in fact we really are.

• Staying in a really bad relationship because you "don't want to hurt" someone - This usually stems from a need to feel loved no matter how high the price. A Big "S" person takes care of their heart and soul by saying "No" even if it's not something the other person wants to hear. This makes space for healthy love to come along.
• Not communicating when you're upset because it's "not nice" to express anger - Holding onto anger and resentment is a little "s" selfish thing to do. A Big "S" person finds loving ways to resolve conflict and thereby creates a safe place for real relationship.
• Telling people what to do because you "want to help" - Some people offer advice thinking that they're being helpful. When it comes from a little "s" need to control or be needed, it's not. A Big "S" person gives friends and family the chance to be themselves and do life their way. If they have something to offer, the respectfully ask if input is wanted.
• Always putting other's needs first because "that's the right thing to do" - This tends to be based on martyrdom and needing others to need or feel obligated to them. It's another little "s" way of staying in control -or- giving over all control to everyone else. Big "S" people make room for other's needs as well as their own, and they negotiate when timing and needs are in conflict.

As always, awareness is the most important and most necessary skill in addressing this issue. Start by watching yourself, your interactions, your feelings, your needs, etc. as they relate to selfish versus Selfish. How well do you take care of yourself? How well do you balance taking care of yourself versus taking care of others? How well do you communicate your needs to others? What's the motive behind your speech, thoughts, habits and behaviors? If little "s" selfish is in charge, what's driving that, and how can you shift it to Big "S" Selfish?

Are you really being selfish? When it seems you're in little "s" mode, examine the situation. Some people overcompensate so as not to appear selfish. If you find yourself in that situation, you might want to ask: Does guilt prevent you from taking good care of yourself and from getting your needs met? Are there ways to watch out for the others around you while you are watching out for yourself? What else might be preventing you from good self-management? Do you need support in learning new self-care habits?

Parting Thought