Relationship Concepts Newsletter
Too Much July 2007
In This Issue
Loving Too Much
Upcoming Classes
Other Announcements
Quick Links
Happy July!
 
I hope you are enjoying your summer. May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and smiling faces!
 
Patty
Too Much
 

Concept

He says: "I treat her like a queen; she gets everything she wants and then some. But it's never enough."

 

She says: "I have poured my heart out to this man. I give him everything he needs, but he still doesn't love me."

 

They both say: "I give and give and give, and all he/she does is take and take and take. When is it my turn?"

 

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. These comments are heard from many people in the relationship world. While it may seem that people like this are very caring and generous and just not appreciated, perhaps it's something else: perhaps they love TOO MUCH.

 

Discussion

In case you were wondering, the two quoted above are not in the same relationship. Usually, people who love too much wind up with people who don't love enough, or whose love is hurtful. It's a case of opposites attract.

 

Loving too much is common, and it happens as often to men as women. It's where one person in the couple does all the giving, while the other does all the receiving. It's a curable malady, but it's also one that usually has a strong hold on the psyche and can take some serious "wrestling" to loosen the grip. I say that not to frighten, but to provide realistic expectations and give you some acceptance if you find yourself struggling with it.

 

Are you someone who loves too much?The following are some of the tell-tale signs and symptoms that something other than true love is going on.

 

TOO FAST: Your relationships start fast and furiously. No build-up, just POOF! instant love. One day you were single, the next, boyfriend and girlfriend. I call this a "just add water" kind of connection.

 

TOO SEX-BASED: You have sex too soon, thinking that that will make them stay. You use it as a bargaining tool to get things. You substitute it for real affection.

 

TOO FEARFUL: You are constantly worried about losing him or her. You also fear such things as rejection, abandonment, losing control, and conflict.

 

TOO STRESSED: You feel desperate for his/her love, and your happiness depends on their approval, attention, affection and attraction. You work hard for those things, but they're not freely given.

 

TOO CONTROLLING: You can't relax, let go, and have fun. You feel the need to control him/her/your relationship.

 

TOO TOLERANT: He/she takes you for granted. You put up with disrespectful, demeaning behavior. Yet you still stick around, hoping that someday things will change.

 

TOO STARVED: You also put up with less-than-enough love, or what I call "table scraps". You get back a mere fraction of what you give.

 

TOO LOPSIDED: You make all the plans, call most of the time, pay most of the time, buy all the presents, write all the cards, cook all the meals, solve all the problems, and most telling, you are the only one who's working on the relationship. Reciprocation and partnership are not in their vocabulary (or they talk about it but never really come through).

 

TOO ACCOMMODATING: You become someone you're not as a way of trying to get them to love you. You compromise your needs in favor of theirs, disregard values that are important to you, let them violate your boundaries, and spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince them to love you.

 

TOO GUILTY: You are hypersensitive to their needs, feeling bad if you don't meet them, and feeling even worse if you have needs of your own.

 

TOO CONCENTRATED: Your attention is always on them and rarely on you.

 

TOO PAINFUL: The attention you do give to yourself revolves around feelings of "unrequited love". You are intensely aware of feeling miserable most of the time, yearning for more. Your heart aches for their love, but it never comes.

 

TOO MUCH: While this list might be hard to read, it's important to know that this happens to a lot of really good people. Love should not be that hard, nor should it be that painful. There may be difficult and painful moments, yes, but as a characteristic of the relationship, no. In fact, this kind of connection is really not love at all, though it might feel that way. It's a sort of pseudo-love, because feelings of hurt and struggle get mixed up with feelings of love and affection. In the end, people who love too much tend to be more in love with the pain than the person they're with. They get used to things being that way, so the cycle continues.

 

Coaching

If you're someone who loves too much, take heart. It is possible to change, and you must change if you want a healthy love relationship. Here are some steps to take toward getting the love you really want and deserve.

 

DIAGNOSE: Does this describe you? What would your friends say? Even if you don't express all of the signs above, are there enough to start questioning?

 

PROBE: What's the source? Neediness, loneliness, self-esteem, spiritual hunger, dysfunctional family or childhood - there are a lot of reasons people fall into the cycle of loving too much. Understanding the cause makes it easier to heal.

 

DISCOVER: Find out who you really are. Learn what it takes to have a healthy relationship. Then, have a love affair with yourself! Once you discover how loveable you truly are, you won't put up with partners who don't treat you well, and you'll attract partners who do.

 

PROVIDE: Give yourself permission to grow, empower, nurture, and explore. Design a life that supports a new, more confident you. Get the help you need to change old behaviors.

 

DETACH - Detaching from another person does not necessarily involve rejecting them; but you do need to stop yourself from feeling responsible for them. Be prepared to say goodbye if they're not willing or capable of having a healthier relationship. Detachment requires strength, awareness, a commitment to yourself, a clear notion of who you are and what it is to have a healthy relationship and appropriate boundaries, and the willingness to say no to things that hurt.

 

PRACTICE: Promote good health in all of your current relationships. Put everything you learned in the Discovery phase into action every day. Look to experts for help in staying on your path.

 

Parting Thought

Healing from loving too much is a process. It takes time, effort, and a lot of support. But it's the only way to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love. And you're worth it!

 

Solo to Soulmate
 
Solo to Soulmate

How to find the love of your life!

 

A workshop for single women who are ready to create the right relationship with the right man. You don't have to be single any more!

 

Next Course: October 20, 27 and November 3

Location: Phoenix and Dragon Bookstore, Sandy Springs
 
NOTE: Can't make this class? Consider hosting your own Solo to Soulmate! Hostesses get one month of free coaching! Call for details.
 
Other Announcements
 
ABWA

I will be speaking for the North Fulton chapter of ABWA on Friday, July 27th. Topic: The Personal Side of Business: Making Your Relationships at Work Work For You. For more information, go to www.nfen.org