This year, you can use the stress of the season to give yourself a gift. Use your time with family – whether yours or someone else’s – to discover new information about yourself and your patterns in relationships. Allow the new awareness to move you toward more fulfilling connections in the coming year.

Perhaps it is easier to see this in love relationships. Women might marry someone just like their fathers, for example, and men might look for someone like their mothers. Some people go for just the opposite, but that’s usually not much better a choice. Also, if you listen closely, you just might hear yourself repeat some of the same things you heard your parents say to each other. Or something they said to you. How to get beyond this? If you want to have an awesome, fulfilling, long-lasting love connection, it helps to undo some of the “family traditions” you learned. But you may have already heard that before.

So to spice things up a bit, here’s a new place to look for familial influences to rear their crazy heads. Ever notice how much the workplace can resemble a family unit? Have you ever found yourself working for someone who embodied the best or worst of your mom or dad? Has the Junior High class bully reincarnated as a co-worker, wreaking havoc on your enjoyment of your time at the office? Has your brother or sister shown up in the guise of an employee, in the way of repeating rivalries, arguments, and struggles or, alternatively, friendships, bonding, and connection?

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, pay close attention to the coaching.

Gift #1: Holiday gifts come in different packages. The first one may not look so pleasant on the outside, but inside there’s a bounty! Here it is: notice any discomfort you feel during “family time.” Yes, the treasure is in the pain, believe it or not! It will give you access to the underlying dynamics that cause challenges in your current life. When you feel an uncomfortable feeling, such as loneliness, sadness, anger, fear, or disappointment, look back into your past. What childhood experience are you reminded of? Who were you with? What was happening? How did that feel? What decision did you make about yourself, other people, and life as a result?

If you need help with triggers to watch for, here are a few suggestions. Some of the family experiences that cause discomfort are criticism, disapproval, not getting enough attention, competition, addiction, arguments and upsets, broken promises, selfishness, and self-centeredness. Notice how you feel if you are the recipient of these behaviors. Notice also if you are behaving this way yourself. Look for repeating patterns and reactions (“here we go again!”).

Gift #2: While it’s good to understand the origin of the patterns we play out, it is advisable to not dwell on them for long. When we hang on to the loneliness, sadness, anger, fear, or disappointment, we are giving our power away. Therefore, the most important step to take at this point, the true gift that you give to yourself, is to make the conscious decision to take your power back. Consciously talk yourself back into your place of centeredness. Feel it in your body. Remind yourself that this is now and you have other options. Really get present to what it feels like to reclaim your power. If you have a hard time doing this, ask for support from a trusted ally. We get by with a little help from our friends!

Note: there are times when counseling (or something similar) is appropriate and necessary to help overcome the patterns of your past. Sometimes not. This exercise will help regardless.

For more on this subject, tune in to Relationship Radio on December 21 at 5pm, when I interview Atlanta Psychologist Kay Rachelson about preparing yourself for the holidays. If you’re not able to tune in at that time, visit www.radiosandysprings.com to download a recording of the show after it airs.

THE PERSONAL SIDE OF BUSINESS (Making Your Relationships at Work Work for You) No matter what business you are in, good relationships are the key to your success. Learn how to make your life more enjoyable and more prosperous by using the Law of Relatedness, and learn to draw your success to you so that you don't have to work so hard to accomplish your goals.
Next Course: January 29 2007 at The Knowledge Shop in Marietta.