I recently went in for my regular cleaning and check- up. No big deal, right? Well, I noticed that I was tense the entire time, waiting for that moment of pain. Finally it came, that bite of the steel scraper on some exposed root or gum. Ouch! I tense even harder, furrow my brow, wiggle my toes, and breathe deeply. Soon the pain subsides. Fortunately, I survive. Yet, my grip on the arms of the chair is as tight as ever. As I noticed the tension throughout my body, the thought occurred to me: this is what we do in our relationships! We’re always bracing for that moment of pain. And it’s the bracing that keeps love away.

This shows up in a variety of ways. Bracing can manifest as a physical, emotional or behavioral reaction. For example, some people laugh too much or talk too much. Others don’t listen very well or they tell a joke at an inappropriate time. Some stick to intellectual conversations and avoid anything “touchy-feely”. Others are constantly testing, always on the lookout, forever waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall. Shy people tend to remain silent or spend a lot of time alone. More outgoing personalities hide behind boisterousness or busyness and activity. These are just some of the things we do to keep from connecting intimately and lovingly, all to avoid the potential pain of relationship. Many times, we’re not even aware that we’re doing it.

Notice your breathing. When we’re bracing, breathing shallows. Taking several deep breaths will not only help you become more connected, you’ll also become more present -- to yourself and others.

Notice your thoughts. Our minds are always on go. When in protection mode, the chatter gets faster and/or louder. Bracing against the pain shows up as running commentary, assessments, judgment, criticism, complaints, anticipation, worry, fear, and the like. See if you can stop the momentum with something positive about the person or situation.

Notice your body. Some people hold their bracing in the neck and shoulders, some in the abdomen, others in the back and hips. Where is the tightness in your body? Try to relax that area whenever you feel the grip.

Notice your reactions. Being defensive, controlling, dominating, withdrawn, overly compliant, and giving up are some things to looks for. The challenge is that, while reactions are the key to unlocking protective barriers, our defenses work subtly and subversively. This is why it’s important to get help. Many times others can see more clearly what we cannot see at all.

Notice what you are attracting. The more we protect, the more we attract what we don’t want. If you find yourself consistently in difficult relationship situations, at home, work or anywhere else, consider that you have some protections in place that are helping create the difficulties.

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