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Three things that can transform any relationship –
three things we all need more of – are Attention,
Affection, and Appreciation. The Three A’s.
While this is especially true in romantic relationships, the Three A’s can be helpful in any situation involving a fellow human being. In today’s fast-paced, chaotic, and ever-changing world, more Attention, Affection and Appreciation can make a huge difference. |
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Attention is the art of listening well, and
listening often. Just because you’re looking at the
person whose mouth is moving and making sounds in
your direction doesn’t mean you’re listening. There's
a difference between hearing and listening. Often,
we have too much going on in our own minds to truly
be present to somebody else. Real Attention, real
listening involves putting yourself in the other
person’s world: What is it like to be that person?
What are they saying? What are they NOT saying?
Can you read between the lines? What do they
need? What are they feeling? What’s really going on
for them and what can you contribute to them in this
moment, not from your head, but from your heart?
Practice discovering the answers to these questions
when you’re listening to someone. This will help you
develop your ability to pay close Attention. You’ll
know you’re doing well when they feel heard and
understood.
Sometimes people in our lives are good at paying Attention, but they just don’t do it often enough. For example, even if you’re the best listener on the planet, it’s not enough to sustain a fulfilling interpersonal relationship if you only do it once a year. Especially with your romantic partner, you want to make sure that you’re giving the right kind AND the right amount of Attention. The term Affection usually brings up an image of physical tenderness, like a hug or a kiss or a caress. This is largely what is meant in the context of romantic relationships, but physical contact is not the only way to show Affection. Simple acts of kindness are another way, as are using a loving tone of voice and offering help when you see the need. Still, physical contact is essential to our personal well being, and today many people are touch-deprived -- even those who are married! One simple way to cure this is by giving hugs whenever you can (as long as it’s appropriate to do so). I once heard another relationship expert recommend getting a minimum of 8 hugs a day. I call it getting your minimum dose of “Vitamin H”. Our bodies need contact to thrive. So do our souls! Last but not least is Appreciation. Children thrive and grow when praised. Adults are really no different. People are attracted to people who care. We want to hear that we’re loved. Do you let the people in your life know how much you appreciate them? Do you acknowledge what it is you love about them, what is great about them, what they do that impacts your life? Are you sincere? Are you willing to be public with your gratitude and can you be lavish with your praise? Appreciation is very important – one of the most important relationship activities I know. |
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Here’s a bit of coaching that you probably aren’t
expecting: START WITH YOURSELF FIRST! If
you give yourself (and make sure you're getting) the
Attention, Affection and
Appreciation you need, you will most likely be more
inclined – and able -- to be generous with others. If
not, it’s hard to give away what you don’t have.
Once you’ve filled up your own Three-A buckets, then you can really take care of the others in your life. And I encourage you to do this with everyone to the degree that’s appropriate, from parents to lovers to friends to co-workers to the cashier at the check- out counter. Any interaction you have with another human being is an opportunity to practice the generosity of the Three A’s. |
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Remember: nurture yourself first. Get your needs
met! Only when you have an awareness and
experience of something are you then able to share
and give it away. So, keep looking for new ways to
give yourself Attention, Affection and
Appreciation.
Also remember the “mirror effect” – when you are
really giving from your heart, you will get it back in
multiples. And when you give the Three A’s to
others, you will feel it within yourself.
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QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? Feel free to call or email
me about this or any other relationship concept. 770-
730-9896 or patty@pfcoaching.com
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Please join me at the following events:
SOLO TO SOULMATE - a
workshop for single women who are ready to create
the right relationship with the right man. You don't
have to be single any more! Next class - Three
Tuesdays November 15, 22, 29
Other Workshops, coming in October and November: |
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