June 2005 Relationship Concepts Newsletter
Four Pillars of Lasting Love -- #2: Agreement
Concept
 
Last month I discussed SAFETY as the first of four pillars necessary for a strong relationship foundation. This month I'll cover pillar #2: AGREEMENT.

While there are a lot of things to AGREE on in a relationship, there's one that stands out as first and foremost: the purpose of the relationship.

What is your relationship for? Why be together? What are the fundamentals of your connection with each other?

Discussion
 
Some of us were not taught to think about or talk about this particular subject with our respective partners. In many cases, there's an underlying assumption that the other person is in the relationship for the same reason we are. However, this isn't always true. Some obvious examples of NO AGREEMENT may help to explain.

  1. Longevity: One person is looking forward to being married and raising a family. The other is not ready for a commitment and just wants a "cabana boy" or a "party girl" to play with.
  2. Career/Children: One dreams of a partnership in which each supports the other's career success. The other wants to stay home to raise the children while the partner works.
  3. Devotion: One commits to a monogamous relationship, the other has no intention (or is not capable) of remaining faithful.
  4. Intimacy: One wants to use the safe boundaries of the relationship in which to learn and grow, the other needs the comfort of the relationship space to always remain the same.

It is easy to see why the above examples would produce situations that don't work. The question is then, what does it take to create a relationship that does work?

AGREEEMENT means "harmony of opinion, action, or character," and "an arrangement as to a course of action." (Merriam-Webster) Both partners must be of the same or similar mindset about the relationship, be in action in the same direction regarding the future, and have the same or similar approach, quality, and attitude (character) toward their connection. Literally, this is the depth of alignment that must be present in a relationship in order for it to truly flourish.

Another level on which to AGREE is how you will interact with each other. For example, even if you have different communication styles, you can have a great relationship if you AGREE on how to manage the differences. There's always a way to achieve a successful outcome if you are both willing to work with and through the differences. In fact, the willingness to try to work things out -- and success in doing so -- can result in a stronger connection than if there were only similarities to deal with.

Finally, it is helpful if you also have similar backgrounds and values. If differences do exist, then there must be AGREEMENT on the OK-ness of those differences. This is especially true for interracial, interfaith, and intercultural relationships. Today, there are many examples of these kinds of partnerships working, and that's because there is AGREEMENT between the two parties all along the way.

Coaching
 
Getting AGREEMENT requires frank discussion. Maintaining that AGREEMENT requires ongoing communication. Start by looking within yourself; then go talk to your partner. The answers you come up with for yourself, and the stage of the relationship you are in with your partner, will help determine the best time to start this conversation.

YOU with YOU:

  • What do YOU want your relationship to be for?
  • What kind of relationship do YOU want to have?
  • What is appropriate for you in your life right now?
  • What differences can you live with? Which ones are deal breakers?
  • Is your vision strong enough to live through the tough times?
  • Is it a long-term vision?
  • What are your values?
  • Does your life express those values now?
  • If not, are you working toward expressing your values in your life?

    • YOU with THEM:

  • How do you know if your partner has the same aspirations you do?
  • What conversations do you need to have to find out?
  • Are there things to negotiate in order to get to agreement?
  • Do you need outside support for those negotiations?
  • What are your partner's values?
  • Does your partner express his/her values now?
  • If not, are they working toward that?

    •
    Parting Thought
     
    Pillar #2 is an exciting aspect of building a strong foundation, because when we do come to a powerful AGREEMENT of what our relationship is for, anything is possible! Pillar #1 supports you in getting to Pillar #2 by providing the SAFE environment in which to have conversations for AGREEMENT.

    Stay tuned for Pillar #3: COMMITMENT.

    Ask the Coach
     
    QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? Feel free to call or email me about this or any other relationship concept. 770- 730-9896 or patty@pfcoaching.com
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