May 2005 Relationship Concepts Newsletter
Four Pillars to Lasting Love -- #1: Safety
Concept
 
Chances are you have thought about your criteria for an ideal mate, but have you thought about your criteria for the relationship you want to create? Great relationships require strong foundations. I have identified four criteria, or foundation "pillars", that are essential to getting your relationship off to a good start and keeping it on the right track. The first of these is SAFETY. (I will talk about the next 3 in the coming months.)

The general definition of SAFETY is "free from harm, risk, danger or loss". In the context of a great relationship, it means you trust, honor, respect and admire each other, and it means that your relationship is a safe harbor for being and expressing your authentic self.

Discussion
 
While this may seem like an obvious requirement, SAFETY is frequently one of the things that is missing in relationships that don't work. And it is often one of the things single people forget to look for in the early stages of dating someone new. It's easy to get caught up in the thrill of new romance. At times like that, we sometimes overlook the red flags that indicate the new situation might not be ideal for the long run.

Feeling SAFE in a relationship means you can be yourself. You don't have to hide anything, you can be real, warts and all, and know and feel that you will be loved and cared for even when your warts cause some friction.

SAFETY is an essential element to lasting love. Relationships are wonderful and challenging at the same time, and it's the challenge that most needs the element of SAFETY. It allows a couple to get through those difficult times. It provides fertile ground for the kinds of communication necessary to partnerships we dream of creating. It allows for the growth and development necessary for lasting love and awesome partnership.

Something to remember is that there are two sides to this coin. Because we're striving to be SAFE, let's look at the case of unsafe. On the one side, it is possible that the other person may truly be unsafe, so you need to be able to tell good people from those who are best not to spend time with. On the other side, some of us have a general difficulty trusting others, and that would have even the most gentle of souls seem unsafe. This is when it is important that you look to see if you are the cause. Is it you, is it them, or both?

Coaching
 
There are a variety of ways to train yourself to look for SAFETY and to be in SAFE relationships. Here are some coaching questions to point you in the right direction. First, we'll look at ways for you to feel safe with others. Then, we'll look at ways for others to feel safe with you.

You with others:

  • When, where, and with whom do you feel safe to be yourself? What does that feel like? How can you create more of that in your life?
  • When, where, and with whom do you not feel safe? Is it you or is it them? How do you know?
  • What were the red flags in prior relationships that indicated the other person was unsafe? How can you use these to help you select a safer person the next time around?
  • Do you allow yourself to say "ouch" when it hurts?
  • How well do you set your boundaries? And do you say "no" when someone has crossed the line?
  • Do you treat yourself the way you want to be treated - with honor and respect?
  • Do you let yourself be supported? How can you increase the level of support and love that you let into your life?
  • What are some ways you can practice feeling/being safe?
  • If you are someone who tends to withdraw or hold back, how can you push yourself beyond your current comfort zone to learn how to feel safe with others?

    • Others with you:

  • Are you a safe space for others? Can people be real around you?
  • Can people be honest with you without fear of criticism or rejection?
  • Do you help others feel at ease?
  • Do you treat others with honor and respect?
  • Are your words harsh or gentle?
  • Are there things you do that cause others to feel unsafe? (If you don't know, ask someone else for feedback.)
  • What can you do to have other people feel even more safe around you than they already do?

    • Parting Thought
     
    SAFETY is definitely one of those things - you'll know it when you feel it. Start experimenting in your interactions with others. Really pay attention to when you feel SAFE so that you can create more intimacy in your life. Then when your next love comes along you'll know if it's a SAFE place. In a way, you'll feel like you've come home.

    Stay tuned for Pillar Number Two: Agreement.

    Ask the Coach
     
    QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? Feel free to call or email me about this or any other relationship concept. 770- 730-9896 or patty@pfcoaching.com
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