Break Free Tip of the Month
From the desk of Terry Taylor, Your Recipe For Living CoachJune, 2012 |
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Dear Terry Jean,
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 | | Terry Taylor |
JUNE'S BREAK FREE TIP shows you how to care for yourself while raising and caring for your children, so that you don't fall into a pattern of self-abuse "for the sake of your children."
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Self-Abuse and Parenthood | |
Have you ever gone "overboard" with your time, money, or energy in order to "be a good parent" to your children - and then felt drained?
Do you then tell yourself to have "more patience" or "more understanding"? Or do you tell yourself that to be a good parent you must put your own needs aside in order to tend to the needs of your child?
Disrespecting Your Own Needs Is Self-Abuse
When you turn your back on your own needs in a relationship, you are acting as if you "don't count" - and that is self-abuse. No relationship is worthwhile if it leads to self-abuse. A person who abuses him or herself has no business being in a relationship, much less being a parent.
That is because children learn more from observing YOUR BEHAVIOR than from any amount of "preaching." If you don't treat yourself with respect, your children will not learn how to treat you with respect. Teaching your children not to respect you is double self-abuse!
Furthermore, your children will not learn how to treat themselves with respect. By not respecting yourself you teach your children to not respect themselves - the exact opposite of what you want to teach them in your role as their parent. You end up crippling your children's ability to live productive, fulfilling lives - and adding to your own self-abuse by prolonging their unhealthy dependency on you.
Respecting Your Role As A Parent
You may think that being a parent means being your children's "best friend." And you may think that loving your children means letting them do whatever they want. But it is not hard to imagine the abuse (to both you and your children) that comes from letting your children do whatever they want.
The fact is, children don't have enough information to know what's dangerous and what's healthy for their lives. Nor do they have the knowledge or skills to support themselves. They need a reliable guide, not a "friend" who wants to be "liked" by them! If you let your children do whatever strikes their fancy in order to be their friend, you drop your responsibility as a parent and you allow your children to ignore reality and live in a fantasy world where "anything goes."
This is dangerous because the real world has definite conditions for human life - and definite consequences if those conditions are not met. Your job is to teach your children causes and consequences to guide them in making wise choices for their lives.
As a parent, your goal is to help your children become mature, healthy, adults who are able to support themselves and go after their goals in life. You are their teacher and their guide toward that goal. Guiding your children to become capable, happy adults is one of the most challenging goals you could ever choose -- and it is a fascinating journey.
Handicapping Your Relationship With Your Children
Children learn to respect themselves by how you treat them. By the same token, children learn to respect YOU by how you treat YOURSELF! So never forget the "you" part of your relationship with your children.
There are many ways to forget the "you" part of your relationship with your children. Here are a few:
Ignoring Financial Limits: One way to abuse yourself in your parental role is to ignore your financial limits. One father I know gives his son a certain allowance every week and tells his son he must stay within that allowance for his spending money. Invariably, his son spends most of his allowance within two to three days and comes begging for more. And invariably, after his son pesters him long enough, the father gives in by giving his son more money.
What is this father teaching his son?
- I don't need to budget my money because I can always get more from Dad.
- Limits aren't really limits so I don't need to respect them.
- I don't need to respect my father because he doesn't mean what he says.
We can see that the father loses control of his money, undermines his respect for himself, and jeopardizes his relationship with his son. And his son never learns to budget money for himself.
Ignoring Behavioral Limits: We are all familiar with the need to set behavior limits. When my cousin's pre-teen daughter was fighting with the other children in the car, my cousin told her to stop her fighting or she would have to get out of the car. Her daughter continued to fight and my cousin had to muster the courage to stick to her word. She stopped the car, told her daughter to get out and walk the rest of the way home. (My cousin was well-aware that her daughter knew the way home and followed her home in the car to be sure she was safe.)
What was my cousin teaching her daughter?
- I need to behave in a civil manner in order to be in the company of others.
- Limits are real, and if I don't abide by them there will be consequences.
- I respect my mother (even if I'm steaming mad at her) because she means what she says and respects herself.
We can see that my cousin maintained control of the "car behavior," respected herself by being true to her values, and maintained a proper parental relationship with her daughter.
Another way to handle fighting in the car is to change the seating arrangement. My parents used to make the fighting child sit between them in the car. You as the parent must choose what you are willing to handle. However it helps to remember that the closer the consequences are to the behavior, the more learning impact you will achieve.
Ignoring Time Limits: When it comes to setting a time limit, we are all familiar with the "count to three" routine. But how many of us keep counting to three over and over, allowing our children to decide how we spend our time - instead of teaching our children that certain things are not open to debate, and showing our children how much more fun they could be having reading stories or playing if they didn't waste time prolonging the things that aren't as much fun?
Children are known for constantly testing their limits...and our limits. Without realizing it, it is easy for parents to let their love for their child put their child "in charge," instead of keeping themselves in charge of what they do with their lives. Isn't it amazing how much power we sometimes give to that precious little bundle of ours?
While children may want to be in charge of their lives, the fact is, children aren't capable of being in charge of their lives. With good parental guidance that capability grows, but they are not fully capable until they become adults. Imagine, then, how overwhelming it is for the child to be left in charge - when being in charge is overwhelming enough for parents! Letting your child be "in charge" can be one form of child abuse, which is directly related to parental self-abuse.
HOW TO PREVENT PARENTAL SELF-ABUSE
When your child is born, you have a whole new set of goals to add to your life. Notice that I said "ADD" - your other goals are still important. You can decide to cut out some of your less-important goals in order to realistically pursue your most important goals, but you mustn't let your child-rearing replace your other important goals! As a parent, you want to always remind yourself that you are more than a parent - you are a PERSON in your own right with goals and dreams for your OWN life.
When your child is an infant, your main challenge is to set limits for yourself in relationship to your infant. That consists of understanding your child's (primarily physical) needs and fulfilling all these needs in a loving way. But it also entails understanding your own needs and figuring out a daily routine that will honor your needs as well as your child's needs.
As your child becomes capable of thought and choice, here are some steps you can take to prevent parental self-abuse:
- SET LIMITS: Set limits beyond which you won't go. Be sure the limits are healthy and reasonable for both you and your children.
- CHOOSE CONSEQUENCES: Choose reality-based consequences that you are willing and able to stick by.
- EXPLAIN: Explain both the limits and the consequences to your children. Make your explanation clear and loving. Tell them the reasons for your limits and consequences. Ask them if they have any questions.
- FOLLOW THROUGH with the consequences if your child doesn't honor the limits you have set.
Practice INCLUSIVE Rather Than EXCLUSIVE Respect
The principle here is to show respect for BOTH your child and yourself. You do not have to forget yourself in order to be a good parent. On the contrary, the more you respect, love, and nurture yourself, the more your children will see how to respect, love and nurture themselves. And the more you will each be able to love living your life!
I'd love to hear how these steps work for you -- feel free to email me at Terry@YourRecipeForLivingCoach.com, or post a comment on my Break Free Blog at www.yourrecipeforlivingcoach.com. Please know that you are welcome to share this BREAK FREE TIP by forwarding this message to a friend or colleague.
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Always here to make your days more delicious,
Terry
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Terry Jean Taylor
Your Recipe For Living Coach, LLC
A passionate motivational speaker and life coach with a new reality-based, no-nonsense approach, Terry Taylor is the designer of a unique strategy for reaching your goals and loving your life. Her CD program - 8 Steps For Reclaiming Your Life From Conflict, Confusion And The Control Of Others - is available at her website www.yourrecipeforlivingcoach.com, where you can also learn about her newly published book, This Is Your Life: No Apology Needed.
You are receiving this because you have shown an interest in Terry Taylor's work or signed up for her Break Free Tips.
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