I am a survivor of acquaintance rape. I was raped my sophomore year of college. It was by someone I knew, or thought I knew. I did not know who he was. I didn't know that he would hurt me. I didn't report it. I believed no one would believe me. I believed that because I brought him to my dorm room. No one needed to tell me, "You shouldn't have brought him upstairs." I was saying that over and over in my mind.

In one brief moment, my life was irreparably changed forever. It was the moment I decided to allow a young man in to my dorm room. I cannot underscore enough the fact that the person I had been was forever altered. In one fell swoop, everything about me transformed.

For three weeks, I mastered a façade I created and kept my secret hidden from everyone around me. This façade kept me going to classes, and it kept my daily life on track.  But, facades do not last forever.  They eventually shatter into a million pieces, leaving the hidden shell exposed.  I had lost this best friend, my former self. I lost her in less than one minute.  It only took one thing, one moment, for this persona to die.

My sister took me out to lunch. I was doing fine, exchanging pleasantries and all. But, that didn't last long.  I had decided upon my order when the waiter came over to us. When I looked up to give him my order, it was like I had seen a ghost.  The waiter was the young man's friend who had gone with us to the club the night I was raped.  He recognized me and asked how the date had gone.  I managed to keep it together and give the typical response, "Oh, it went fine." What was I supposed to say? What could I say?  The look on my face could have given it away. I looked extremely horrified. I was able to push all the anguish deep within me.

When I got back to the dorm, I realized that keeping this secret hidden any longer would kill me. I sat on my bed and was thinking for a while. Who would I talk to about this? How could I talk about it? What would I do after people were aware of my secret? I didn't know how to describe what had happened. I didn't know much of anything.  But, I knew I had to take a chance. I knew I had to do something.  It took me several tries to walk out of my room. It was as if walking out of the room was an impossibility for me. It took me half an hour to be successful. I walked to my resident advisor's room. My fragile psyche was screaming at me to knock on her door. But, my damaged heart, body, and soul didn't want to knock. It wanted to pretend that nothing had happened. It didn't want, no it didn't know how, to deal with the consequences of speaking the words.  Eventually, I did knock on her door. At first, it was a short, light knock. But, it was a knock. Soon, the knock became louder. My psyche was pleading for help. I was determined to release this secret. It was as if that was the one, the only, moment to discuss it. But, for that moment, it wasn't to be. Unfortunately, she was not in her room. So, I left a note on her door, asking for her to come by my door room, as soon as possible. I left and went back to my room not knowing what to expect. But, at least, the chance was taken.

It felt like I sat on my bed for an eternity. At that moment, time stopped for me. I sat there and absolutely nothing went through my head. It was complete stillness. For the first time in almost a month, my mind was quiet. And, while the anxiousness of the time flowed through me, it was the most peaceful time I had.  Eventually, there was a knock on my door. It was my consciousness's last attempt to hide. But, my psyche pushed me off that bed. She knocked again as I opened the door. She came over to my bed with me, the bed I had been raped on, and sat next to me.  All I could tell her was something like, "Do you remember that night, when I was with that man?" I think she knew what I was going to say. But all I could collect together into words was, "He forced himself on me." Well, that was enough for her. She called the victims' advocacy program on campus.  She asked me to come back to her room with her. The secret I had tried to hide had finally become real. It was finally verbalized into words.

That night is as a part of me as any physical aspect of my body.  And, I can finally admit that I am fully comfortable with it. For years, questions raced through my mind as though they were involved in a competition.  Would I ever release that night away and let it be forgotten? Well, I know this: It will never say goodbye to me until the last breath I take on this earth. And I have reconciled with that. It doesn't mean I think about it on a constant basis. Many things about my life are not in the forefront of my mind.  In a way, it is about reminding myself that who I am today is the only thing that matters.  Would people always look at me as though I were damaged? The answer to that has always been inside me, it just lay dormant until it was ready to be known. I know who I am. I know that I am a strong, beautiful, determined, intelligent, and courageous woman.  I know I am loved and that I feel totally feel loved.