I know how it feels to be alone and have wave after wave of emotion roll over you so hard and so fast you feel like you're drowning. It feels like you're suffocating but not a physical thing is preventing you from breathing. The feeling of shame that comes over you thinking about what happened and what anyone else would think if they found out. The constant thought of why you didn't do anything to stop it, and the tears when you break down when no one is around.

It can happen to you during the day when a certain sound comes back to you, like a metal bunk bed squeaking as you crawl off of it. A smell like nighttime mountain air. A touch like being shaken awake - when a flashback suddenly out of nowhere pops in your head. It can be from someone approaching you who sounds or looks like your attacker. It can even be caused by a dream that would leave you awake in a trembling, cold sweat. I know the feeling when you turn to your significant other, past girlfriends in my case, and after expressing some emotion or feeling, the best they can come up with is "get over it." I've been blessed, though, at the same time by having friends who've sat with me for hours in the middle of nowhere listening and giving comfort.

I know all of this because I was a normal kid once. Twelve years old to be exact. I grew up in a very strict household where I wasn't allowed outside the neighborhood wall and had to check in every hour. So you can imagine how excited I got when I found out my parents agreed that I would be allowed to go to a sleep away camp for the summer. White water rafting, rifle range, fishing, everything I wanted. It was for the whole summer, and best of all, it was out of state. I was even shier than I am today, so it was a little difficult at first to make friends. When I eventually did, everything quickly seemed perfect. Until one night, a counselor twice my age took away whatever innocence I had left. Took a dream summer and turned it into a nightmare. Amazingly, I had no idea the next morning that things were about to get worse; that the nightmare I'm just now waking up from seventeen years later wasn't close to over.

I was lost, scared, and hurt. I had no idea what to do. So I did what I thought a twelve year old should do. I told the owner of the camp. I was too embarrassed to tell him verbally, so I wrote the details of what happened on a piece of paper I used to write letters home. I handed it to him personally as he passed by making his rounds and told him to read it later when I was gone. Hours later he approached me in private. These next moments, I can still vividly remember as clear as day. He asked me if everything I wrote was true. I told him yes. He then told me I didn't have to worry, the police came and took him away, and I was safe. Then came another lie, he told me "Now there's no need to tell your parents. Let's just keep this between you and me, OK?"

Visiting day came, and I could see the fear in his eyes when he met my folks. Not a word was said. I had done what I thought a kid was supposed to do and listened to authority. I begged my parents to take me home and not make me stay, but they brought me back the next day thinking I was just homesick. I spent another month through my thirteenth birthday at the camp.

1995 was a very different place than it is today for survivors of sexual assault, be it male or female. Society looked at things much different then. I didn't realize what was in store for me. This type of thing wasn't taught in schools or talked about at the dinner table. You were made aware of the boogey man, the guy who would offer you candy to help him find his lost dog. Not the camp counselor who was being paid to keep you safe.

For almost four years I didn't say a word about what had happened. My expressions showed something was wrong but no one had ever suspected. One day my best friend finally got me to confess what had happened. We hatched a plan to tell my parents the secret. The next morning was one of the most awkward moments of my life. We filed a lawsuit against the camp and the counselor. With that came hours of preparation for a deposition revealing the gory details of what had happened that night. Hours spent in the middle of my bedroom floor till I got it "just right." Then came each side's therapist and expert witness. Their side tried to say I was gay and this was how I was coming out to my parents. My side said I was not experiencing enough emotional traumas and no one would believe me. Normal victims have nightmares and flashbacks, she told me. Eventually it was settled out of court when I couldn't take the emotional pain any longer. When it was all said and done, my mom and I burned all the paper work and said this never needed to be brought up again.

It took me awhile to realize that all the Novocain in the world could only numb the pain for so long. Being silent wasn't the answer. I eventually started to read and reach out to other survivors and found out those experiencing things only years later and not right away was, in fact, considered normal. I found there were other people who understood and were able to give some great advice. They helped me to realize this isn't the end but merely the beginning. That no matter how small you feel in the world you are not alone.

NOTE FROM THE VICTIM SERVICE CENTER:

If you are a victim of childhood sexual abuse, please contact us. We are here to help. 407.644.2577

Monthly Informational Briefings

Last Wednesday of Every Month

Next Briefing

Wednesday - June 27, 2012

Noon - 1PM at the Victim Service Center  

Each month the Victim Service Center will be offering Informational Briefings to educate the community on our services, cultivate interest in our agency, and offer individual involvement with our mission through volunteerism, fundraising, or assisting us in spreading the word that we are here to help those impacted by crimes and sexual assaults.

By attending our Informational Briefing, you will learn about our history, our mission, services, our priorities, and our goals.

Where & When

1801 Lee Road, Suite 165

Winter Park, Florida  32789

June 27, 2012

Noon - 1PM

Please let us know that you will be attending; accompanying guests are most welcome!

RSVP - Office: 407.644.2577 or e-mail devon.hutchins@ocfl.net.

Speakers Bureau 

Are you wanting to inspire and help inform others by sharing your story?

The Victim Service Center now has a Speakers Bureau. 

Mission:

The mission of the VSC Speakers Bureau is to increase awareness of all types of crime, the effects that crime has on its victims, and the need for recovery resources.

Speakers:

The VSC Speakers Bureau consists of survivors of crime, from all walks of life, who share a passion for helping others.

Members have the opportunity to share their personal stories with students, communities, victims' service groups, and others.

Recruiting Speakers:

If you are a victim of a crime, or a friend or family member of a victim, who may be interested in joining the VSC Speakers Bureau, contact our Speakers Bureau Task Force Chair, Diana Oakley, or Jody Swain, Development Director, for more information.

Contact Us:

If you are interested in having a member of the VSC Speakers Bureau attend your event you can contact Diana Oakley or Jody Swain at 407-644-2577 or you can e-mail Jody at Jody.Swain@ocfl.net.  We can help you develop a topic-focus area that fits your group's presentation need.