Saying no to our kids can be hard for a myriad reasons...we don't want our kids to feel bad, we want to avoid power struggles, we don't want to feel "rejection" from our kids, we want to avoid conflict.  But, as my friend Kathleen Burns Kingsbury says, saying no is a gift.  It prepares our kids for the disappointments that life will inevitably throw their way, much as we'd like to protect them.

 

When we say no to our kids, we are setting boundaries.  Some are safetly boundaries.  No, don't touch that.  Others are limitation boundaries.  No, you can't stay up til midnight on a school night.  The key is to accompagny your no with your why.  Your why offers an explanation that kids need to make sense of their world. 

 

That pot has boiling water in it.  If you touch it, you'll hurt yourself.  Safety.  If you stay up late you'll be tired tomorrow and it will be harder to concentrate.  Limitation.

 

Now, kids being kids, they may not agree with you.  But they're going to have to trust you on the safety issues.  As for the limitations, offering an alternative can be a useful strategy.  No, you can't stay up til midnight tonight, but I'll let you do that on Friday night.  Besides this may be a good opportunity for you to prove that on Saturday, your little cherub has morphed into a cranky, little Frankenstein.  It's nice to have those little examples to pull out the next time around.  :-)

 

The good news?  The more prepared you are to say no, and mean it, the less you'll find yourself saying it.

 

The Money Connection:  There's probably not a parent on the planet who hasn't struggled with saying no to a pleading child in the checkout line.  Yes is so much easier.  But the same principles apply when money is involved.  We need to help our kids develop reasonable expectations and learn to deal with life's little disappointments.  It's okay to say no, I'm not going to buy that candy because it's not in this weeks budget.  Yes may be easier in the short run, but no will give them skills for life.

 

To help minimize potential power struggles, here are two tips that can make your life just a little easier:

 

Give your kids an allowance.  An allowance practically extinguishes all traces of the I wannas in addition to providing them with important money skills.  But it needs to be done correctly.  Click here for allowance tips. 

 

Choice of an item.  For younger kids who tend to be with you when you're grocery shopping, allow them to choose one item to place in the cart.  This has the added benefit of keeping them busy!  Of course, set up the parameters of the choice, such as no gum or no items over $3.00.