Lessons From The "Tiger Mother" 

I agree with the "Tiger Mother" that parents should set high standards for their children and that many parents set their expectations too low in the service of fostering self-esteem. But (and this 'but' is big), Ms. Chua's goals and her methods for pressuring her children to meet her high standards are extremely misguided.

With that overview in mind, I want to focus on four issues that jumped out at me when I read the excerpt from the book:

1) Ms. Chua writes that when she was young, her father called her "garbage" if she was disrespectful and that "it worked." Clearly it did NOT work because in the next paragraph, she admits that she has called her own daughter "garbage" for being disrespectful.  How ironic!  When one models disrespect, one gets disrespect, and here we see it passed down through generations.  Using hurtful language in response to disrespect is similar to hitting your child as a punishment for hitting someone else.  What lesson is one imparting? 

Where I agree:  Never tolerate any disrespect.

Where I disagree (and Lesson #1):  Choose a consequence for disrespectful behavior that doesn't involve treating your children disrespectfully in return!

2) Amy Chua insists that the only extracurricular activities her daughters may have are ones she chooses (e.g., no school plays), and that they must study violin or piano (no other instrument is acceptable).  I'm all for having children learn a musical instrument, but why not the instrument of their choice?  And, what about helping a child to discover his/her passion?  After many years of unhappiness, one of Chua's daughter's rebelled and found that competitive tennis was her calling.

Where I agree:  Children should engage in worthwhile extracurricular activities

Where I disagree (and Lesson #2):  Parents should guide their children to find the place where their talents and interests meet.  That is a recipe for success! 

3) When describing events leading up to a troubling scene, where she forces her child to sit at the piano for hours until her daughter masters a particular passage, Ms. Chua recounts, "Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together...everything fell apart."  Besides the fact that the ensuing spat between mother and daughter is horrifying, I am struck by use of the word "we" in her narration.  I often remind parents: to develop healthy independence, separate your own identity from your children's.  Your children's work and responsibilities are theirs.   I am always uncomfortable when I hear parents say, "We are working on our basketball skills," or "We got accepted to Yale!"  Check yourself.  

Where I agree: Parents must be active in sharing their children's interests and encouraging them.

Where I disagree (and Lesson  #3):  A parent's job is to teach, support and guide, not to do a child's job or take credit for their children's learning or accomplishments.

4)  Finally, while I applaud Chua for wanting to give her daughters the tools to be successful, I question her definition of "success" -- achieving the highest level in academics and music. The successful children and adults that I know are emotionally intelligent, meaning they are optimistic, self-confident, and respectful.  They possess the ability to manage emotions, handle relationships and solve problems.  It is no longer a secret that IQ scores, grades and SAT scores do not predict who will succeed in life, even less who will be happy.  Furthermore, the unrestrained obsession with academic and musical success could well impair development in other key areas.  For example, to focus on Chua's definition of "success," she bars her daughters from play dates, which can be crucial for developing the social intelligence and lasting friendships that contribute mightily to both success and happiness in life.

Where I agree:  Parents should help prepare their children for success in life.

Where I disagree (and Lesson #4): While encouraging children to do their best in school and in other skills, cultivating respect, sensitivity and restraint, the three cornerstones of emotional intelligence, is equally, if not more, important. 

So, those are some lines from my 'battle hymn' of parenting.  If you need help applying any of these principles to your family, contact me at parenting-solutions@earthlink.net

Remember to give positive feedback when your child shows courteous behavior.  For young children, this means acknowledging that they remembered their basic manners.  For older children it means recognizing when they have shown courtesy in a particularly thoughtful way.

Children don't have to stick with the first activities they try.  Offer various activities when they are young and see what they enjoy most.  Possibilities include programs or lessons in art, sports (team and individual), acting, chess, language, photography, computers, and music.  Check out offerings at museums, community centers, libraries, and cultural institutions. Pay close attention to your child's demeanor and interests; the choices offered and made during his young years may ultimately determine his passions!