We all know the importance of good parent-child communication. But I often hear parents of teenagers say, "My child won't talk to me!" If you have a baby or young child, you may think you don't need to worry about this problem until your child hits adolescence, but I strongly suggest that patterns of communication and interaction between parents and children from infancy set the stage for connections later on.
The approach to good communication with your children should begin when they are born and change as they grow. From birth through early toddler years it's all about talking. Then, as your child begins to be more capable of engaging in activities, the importance shifts from talking to your child to doing things with your child.
In a nutshell: Talk more when they are babies and toddlers. Do more when they are older.
This approach may seem counterintuitive, since babies are not capable of having conversations and older children are! But, babies do build social relationships based on verbal communication. Even infants respond to conversational patterns with their facial expressions, movements, gurgles, and babbling, and they will begin to understand your words soon (sooner than you think). And toddlers love to learn about the world around them through simple conversations. Older children, however, relate to adults more easily and fall into conversation more comfortably when they are participating together in enjoyable activities.
From the minute we held our first child in our arms, my husband Seth and I spoke to him about our feelings, our actions, and his environment, and I strongly urge other parents to follow suit. You may feel strange at first sputtering statements like "Daddy went to pick up your grandma and grandpa, and he's bringing them back in a few minutes to meet you" while looking into the eyes of a day-old baby. Nonetheless, if you start speaking to your baby immediately in this way, conversation (albeit starting out one-sided) will quickly become a habit.
Narrate for your baby what is going on in the little world around him/her, put words to his/her feelings, and soothe and entertain him/her with singing. Scientists have found that a person's language ability is directly related to the number of neural synapses that develop mostly in the first six months and entirely in the first two years. Exposing a child to the sensory perception of language will stimulate the growth of those neurons that facilitate language development. I am not suggesting that you discuss world politics or quantum physics with babies, but you can comment on and explain what is happening in their immediate environment.
In this way, you can, from the start, develop a meaningful, mature, respectful practice of communication. As your child grows older, you will naturally continue the same respectful dialogue, of course moving on to more sophisticated subjects. Then, as your child transitions from baby to toddler to school age, you will want to seek out specific activities where you interact and enjoy each other's company because participating in pastimes with your children is a prerequisite to continued good communication.
For example, I took a weekly painting class with my son Tal for years (in fact, until he left for college!), and my daughter Shoshana and I have a long-time project creating a literary scrapbook together of books we've both loved. The activities you share will obviously depend on your kids' interests and your own, but the point is that some of our most meaningful conversations have occurred while participating in these hobbies together.
So, remember: A relationship of communication with your child develops from establishing a verbal relationship early on and then developing and maintaining a comfortable and natural connection with your child by engaging in shared activities. Children who enjoy the company of their parents are children who talk to their parents!
