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Contact
Parenting Solutions:
www.parenting-solutions.com
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Dear Friends,
I recently had a Letter To The Editor published in The New York Times in response to an article about the way in which food has become a mandatory component of nearly every single activity children attend. For everything from soccer games, to school events, to rehearsals, a parent (or two) is almost always assigned the duty of bringing drinks and food for all the children. In my letter, I agreed with the writer that the trend has gotten out of hand and completely onerous for the parents. More importantly, I made the point that this obsession with snacks is not helping our children develop necessary self-control.
Many of you know that I strongly urge parents of very young children to always be prepared with a drink and snack (as well as some small toys and books) whenever they go out because babies and toddlers do not yet have any self-regulation and need immediate attention for their hunger or boredom. But, as children grow, it is our job to help them begin to cultivate the self-discipline they will need to function well and mature appropriately.
I believe that restraint (and not just related to food) is one of the key concepts we need to teach our children. In this month's article, I give you some very practical tips on how you can help your child develop self-discipline. This is some of the valuable information that I present in my parenting workshops and share with many of my clients, so don't miss it!
If you haven't visited my website recently, I've added some new suggestions on my Tips/Advice page. Go to www.parenting-solutions.com. Keep your burning questions for the website and this newsletter coming!
Best wishes and happy parenting,
Meg
P.S. To read my Letter To The Editor online click here.
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Are you struggling with a parenting challenge? Are you having trouble being consistent? I can help you find practical solutions that will make your job as a parent easier and more enjoyable. Consultations are in person, by phone, or by e-mail, so I am able to work with parents nationwide. Contact me today at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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| LESSONS OF A MARSHMALLOW
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Put a four-year old child in a room with a marshmallow, and tell him that he will be given a second marshmallow as a reward if he does not eat the marshmallow in front of him for an allotted period of time. Would it surprise you to know that ten years later, a child who was able to resist eating the marshmallow will most likely be doing better in school, forming more satisfying relationships, and managing stress more effectively than a child who was not able to find the self-control to wait?
In the famous Stanford University "marshmallow" study from the 1960's, scientists found this clear-cut correlation: on average, youngsters who showed restraint as four-year olds were more successful academically and socially ten years later than those who were unable to exercise restraint. And a follow-up study showed that success continued into adulthood.
I probably don't need to tell you that babies are born without a speck of self-control. As soon as they are able, infants have the inclination to grab whatever they want when they want it. This is a completely natural urge, but it is our job as parents to help our children slowly shed this notion of entitlement.
We should be working to raise children who are able to:
- control their words and physical actions,
- exhibit patience and not always need immediate gratification,
- have appreciation for what they have, and the ability to cope with not getting everything that they want (without whining!)
- regulate their eating habits,
- withstand temptation,
- share and take turns, and
- resist distractions and succumbing to the (negative) influences of others
So, how can you foster self-control in your own children?
1) First and foremost, you must MODEL CONTROLLED BEHAVIOR YOURSELF. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, children follow our actions more than our words.
· Keep your voice at an appropriate volume
· Choose your words carefully
· Show patience
· Conserve materials
· Model good habits (such as healthy eating)
2) CREATE REAL SCENARIOS that will help your children develop skills of restraint. In small doses, provide opportunities and help them develop strategies for:
· Waiting
· Sharing
· Conserving
· Cooperating
· Giving feedback to each other
Always remember to praise your child when they have been able to do any of the above. For example, bake with your child and take turns mixing, having the person who is not mixing count to twenty (or mark time in another way, such as singing a song verse) before switching. Then tell your child that you are proud of the way they shared the task and waited patiently.
3) Teach your children that THEY ARE NOT ENTITLED TO, AND WILL NOT GET, EVERYTHING TO WHICH THEY TAKE A FANCY -- REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU CAN AFFORD IT. Ironically, giving your child every material thing is a form of neglect; it is not a form of love.
4) HELP YOUR CHILDREN APPRECIATE WHAT THEY HAVE
· Talk to them about the difference between "needing" and "wanting" using real-world examples.
· Involve them in charitable activities
· Read and discuss books where self-control or appreciation is the theme. There are so many; " Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?," "The Lorax," and "Yertle the Turtle," all by Dr. Seuss, are three of my favorites.
An important note about developing self-control: While starting early is good, expectations must be age-appropriate. The tips above are not meant for babies who must have their needs met directly in order to develop a sense of security and love. And one can't expect a three-year old to sit quietly with nothing to engage him/her for 30 minutes. Small doses are the way to go when children are toddlers.
Keep in mind that, while the part of the brain that is critical to inhibiting urges - the prefrontal cortex - is a work in progress and is not fully developed until early adulthood, its development begins in infancy. Practicing self-control from a young age can help your children gain a level of restraint that will be critical for their schooling, happiness and success in life. Remember that the next time you are on the verge of giving in to your child's latest impulsive demand.
Do you need help applying these concepts? Contact me at parenting-solutions@earthlink.net.
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP #1:
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Young children have difficulty
refraining from interrupting others
because they expect immediate attention and also worry that they will
forget what they wanted to say if they have to wait. If your child
wants to tell you something while you are talking to someone else and
starts to interrupt, tell him you want to hear what he has to say as
soon as there is a break in your conversation and then give him the
strategy to hold his thought in his head until that happens. Then,
immediately commend him and reward him with your full attention once
you are done.
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP #2:
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Teach
your children to take moderate servings of food on their plates when
they are serving themselves. Reassure them that they can always take
more if they are still hungry after they have finished what it is on
their plate. Otherwise, they may take more than they may end up
wanting and then have it go to waste when they realize that their
eyes are bigger than their stomachs.
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Have you heard about my "Parenting Solutions Speed Sessions on Demand?" These
are quick half-hour phone sessions, when you need them. Simply set-up
an appointment with me whenever you've got a specific pressing issue or
question you want answered, and I'll impart expert advice, affordably
and efficiently. Give yourself the gift of a package of six "Speed
Sessions" for just $360, and use them as needed. I'll even send you a
follow-up e-mail after each session, outlining the major points for
easy reference. It's like having parenting advise in your back
pocket! To get started, call me at (917) 526-3528, or e-mail me at
meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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Interested in setting up a series of parenting workshops
at your school or
for your mothers' group? I can propose a variety of
topics from sleep issues to sibling
rivalry to communication. Or, you
can request subjects that particularly interest your group.
Contact me
at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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