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Contact
Parenting Solutions:
www.parenting-solutions.com
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Dear Friends,
This fall my husband and I are lucky to have all our children living at home again - something which hasn't happened for an extended period in a long while. Our oldest, Shai, graduated from college and (luckily) found an exciting job in NYC; our second son, Tal, is doing a semester-long internship in engineering at a Long Island firm before returning to Cornell University in the spring. Their two younger siblings have the benefits and enjoyment of their company, and Seth and I get to revel in their frequent and wonderful interactions. Watching my children consistently treat each other with affection and respect is one of my greatest joys as a parent.
Clear parental communication is one of the keys to achieving positive sibling relationships and all desired behavior. In this month's article, I give important advice on how convey expectations to your children. This very simple suggestion can have a huge impact on your parenting effectiveness.
Remember, I'm here to help you be a more effective parent in many ways. Contact me at meg@parenting-solutions.com to find out how I can best support you.
Best wishes and happy parenting,
Meg
P.S. I was recently invited to write a blog post on talking to kids about drinking. You can read my views on the subject at www.drinkingdiaries.com
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Are you struggling with a parenting challenge? Are you having trouble being consistent? I can help you find practical solutions that will make your job as a parent easier and more enjoyable. Consultations are in person, by phone, or by e-mail, so I am able to work with parents nationwide. Contact me today at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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| ARE YOU REALLY ASKING?
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Are you wondering why your children often don't listen to your directions? In my last issue, I talked about giving kids choices as often as possible so that they will be more likely to comply on those occasions when they don't have a choice. Now, I am going to give you another big tip about giving your kids instructions when you need them to do something that is not optional: Don't ask, when you mean to tell.
I repeat: DON'T ASK, WHEN YOU MEAN TO TELL!
I very often hear parents asking their child to do something that is mandatory. For example, a parent might say: "Kathy, will you clean up your room?" Now, when asked that question, Kathy hears that she has a choice. When she finds out that she didn't have a choice, she's confused. If the child does not have a choice, don't ask her to clean up her room; tell her to clean up. In addition, be as specific as possible. "Clean" is vague. Here is a better direction: "Kathy, please pick up your clothes from the floor and put them in the laundry, and then make your bed. Make sure you're done before we leave for your soccer game."
Just the other day, I actually heard a mother, whose young child was precariously stepping out from the curb without her, call gently, "Laurie, can you not run into the street?" Hmmmmm....did she really mean to give her that option?
I encourage you to notice whether you truly differentiate between asking and telling. Do you ask your baby, "Will you lie still for Mommy?" when you're changing her diaper? If so, try (in a gentle, but firm voice), "Please lie still for Mommy," or "Mommy needs you to lie still right now."
Do you hear yourself saying to your toddler, "Would you like to put on your shirt?" Substitute that with a kind, but decided, "Please, put on your shirt now."
Beyond not asking when you mean to direct, try to distinguish clearly for your child between what is mandatory and what is recommended and therefore optional. For example, if you know the temperature is below freezing, and you tell your child to put on his jacket, don't offer a choice. If the weather outside is just cool, then offer a choice, by saying, "The temperature is a bit cool today, and you might want to put on your coat, but you could also wait until we are outside. Make sure you get it now and have it ready either wearing it or carrying it when we leave. We're leaving in two minutes."
While these slight distinctions may seem trivial, remember that children are happiest and most cooperative when they live in a world that is predictable and secure. By being clear with your words to convey what you really mean, you are providing them with certainty and, therefore, less stress. The way we communicate with our children is really that powerful!
Could you use more strategies like this to fine tune your parenting skills? Not sure what to do if you've given your child instructions (without asking) and he still doesn't follow your direction? Contact me at (917) 526-3528 or meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP:
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Using common manners is an area where you shouldn't be giving your children a choice. Yet, I so often hear parents ask their children if they would be polite. Children can and should learn to use manners at a young age. Therefore, be consistent in your directions by requiring them to say hello, please, thank you, and goodbye. Instead of "Can you say 'thank you'?," instruct them with, "Please say thank you to your teacher as we leave."
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Have you heard about my "Parenting Solutions Speed Sessions on Demand?" These
are quick half-hour phone sessions, when you need them. Simply set-up
an appointment with me whenever you've got a specific pressing issue or
question you want answered, and I'll impart expert advice, affordably
and efficiently. Give yourself the gift of a package of six "Speed
Sessions" for just $360, and use them as needed. I'll even send you a
follow-up e-mail after each session, outlining the major points for
easy reference. It's like having parenting advise in your back
pocket! To get started, call me at (917) 526-3528, or e-mail me at
meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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Interested in setting up a series of parenting workshops
at your school or
for your mothers' group? I can propose a variety of
topics from sleep issues to sibling
rivalry to communication. Or, you
can request subjects that particularly interest your group.
Contact me
at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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