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Contact
Parenting Solutions:
www.parenting-solutions.com
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Dear Friends,
It's an exciting time for our family. Our oldest son graduated this year from Cornell University and is immediately setting off to work in local New York City politics. Our three other children are also pursuing their own individual endeavors and, as parents, Seth and I are thrilled for them. It is so gratifying to watch your children independently pursue their passions with enthusiasm and confidence.
As I reflect on how we, as parents, fostered our children's independence, I think we laid the groundwork a long time ago, when they were very young. One of our goals has been to prepare them to be self-reliant, competent young members of society from the start. A crucial element in achieving this goal was parenting in a way that provided security, safety and structure, yet did not suffocate our children's spirit and autonomy. In short, we were very aware of not "over-parenting."
In this month's article, "Are You Over-Parenting?," I help you examine your own parenting style. Are you nurturing your children's confidence? Or are you unintentionally holding your children back by coddling them?
Another important element in preparing our children for success is helping them to develop self-discipline. On Tuesday, July 14 at 7:00 pm, I am giving a lecture, "Fostering Self-Control in Young Children," at the JCC of Manhattan. If you live in the New York City area and are the parent of a young child, I invite you to attend the session. You can find more information and register by visiting the JCC website: www.jccmanhattan.org
Finally, the Jewish Week recently published a letter I wrote about material rewards for good behavior. I know many parents are interested in this challenging topic, so please feel free to view the letter at www.thejewishweek.com.
As always, let me know what you think about any of these topics or send me your questions at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
In the meantime...
Best wishes and happy parenting,
Meg
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| ARE YOU OVER-PARENTING?
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Parenting
requires a very fine balance between what you do and what you don't do.
Every day, either knowingly or subconsciously, we make a myriad of
decisions about how much guidance we provide, what rules we make, and
how much independence we foster.
If you've been reading my
newsletters or my website, you know that I am a firm believer in
providing very clear and high expectations for children's behavior.
Parents who have low expectations or who don't consistently follow
through on their appropriate expectations are "under-parenting," in my
opinion. Conversely, parents who are overly controlling or who put the
emphasis on controlling the wrong things, or who are unnecessarily
overprotective of their children, are guilty of "over-parenting."
How do you know if you are over-parenting? Start by asking yourself a few questions:
1) Do you tell your child to do or not to do things that aren't really important?
Listen
carefully to yourself. Are you giving your children a lot of commands?
If you find yourself not following through on directions that you give
your child because it's not worth the hassle, maybe you didn't need to
issue the command in the first place. For example, if you repeatedly
tell your child to stop doing something, but then let him do it anyway,
you are probably just making arbitrary rules. Be certain that you are
setting rules and expectations that are important to you and advance
your core values. Don't make rules just to make rules!
2) Do you shelter your child from new experiences?
Children
are often hesitant to try new things. They naturally like familiarity.
But, as a parent, you should encourage your child's growth and
confidence by encouraging her to develop independence. Take little
steps in introducing new things to your child, and she will come
along. If your child is anxious about trying something new, resist the
urge to assume that she's just not ready, and instead say, "We're going
to try it once and see how it goes," or "Let's just go for 15 minutes,
and then we can decide whether or not to stay." A child is much more
likely to try something new if she knows that the time is limited and
there will be an option to stop. Most likely, she will want to
continue once she's had a chance to experience whatever it is she was
hesitant to try.
3) Do you rush to comfort your child when he is disappointed or the slightest bit uncomfortable?
Children
are much more resilient than we often give them credit for. Although
we naturally want to provide all their necessities - love, food,
shelter, safety, medical care, and education - it is not our job to
shield them from every little hardship or to please their every whim.
Kids learn lessons from setbacks and learn restraint from understanding
that they can't have everything they want. And, often we do better by
helping our children figure out how to solve a problem themselves than
by solving the problem for them.
Effective parenting involves
finding the balance between under-parenting (not setting the bar high
enough for your children's behavior with regard to respect, restraint
and sensitivity) and over-parenting (hovering over their every move,
thwarting their independence, and unnecessarily sheltering your children
from every hardship). I encourage you to examine where your parenting
lies on this spectrum and make the appropriate changes. If you would
like help achieving this important framework for your child's success,
contact me at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP:
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Arrange
for your baby or toddler to have an occasional overnight visit at the
home of a relative or friend whom you trust. Introducing your child to
new, safe, positive situations when he is young is a good way to build
confidence, independence and flexibility. This positive experience will
set the stage for a child who is comfortable having a sleepover at a
friend's house when he gets a little older and taking trips away from
home (with relatives, on field trips, etc.) later on. (The early
exposure to someone else's care also helps if an emergency arises and
you need to leave your child with a relative or friend on short notice
while you deal with the situation.)
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Do you and your children need a better night's sleep?
Does your baby have daytime and nighttime reversed?
Are you having trouble getting your children to sleep in their own beds?
Do you wish bedtime wasn't a struggle with your kids?
Good sleeping habits are essential for the well-being of your family,
and I have the experience to help your household get a good night's sleep. Contact me at meg@parenting-solutions.com!
Here's what a client says:
"Our 21-month-old daughter began sleeping through the night immediately after our consultation with Meg (prior to that she had never slept without waking at night). Meg helped us to teach our daughter to sleep through the night, but she also taught us how to develop our own solutions for issues as they come up. Meg's strategies are simple, straightforward and carefully conceived."
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Interested in setting up a series of parenting workshops
at your school or
for your mothers' group? I can propose a variety of
topics from sleep issues to sibling
rivalry to communication. Or, you
can request subjects that particularly interest your group.
Contact me
at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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Are you struggling with a parenting challenge? Are you having trouble being consistent? I can help you find practical solutions that will make your job as a parent easier and more enjoyable. Consultations are in person, by phone, or by e-mail, so I am able to work with parents nationwide. Contact me today at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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