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Contact
Parenting Solutions:
www.parenting-solutions.com
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Dear
Each year my husband and I make a list of very specific New Year's resolutions - small but important improvements we would like to make in various categories ranging from "health" to "work" to "friends." Of course, one of our categories is "parenting;" even after 21 years, we can't afford to be complacent. So we reflect each year on how we can be better parents - individually and together -- to our four children. It is a valuable exercise, and one from which everyone can benefit.
In my article below, I encourage you to reflect on your strengths as a parent and think about a specific improvement you can make to be the best parent you can be in the coming year. I offer some concrete suggestions as starting points and tips for how to implement them.
Happy New Year and happy parenting,
Meg
P.S. To read a newspaper article about a workshop I recently gave for teachers about fostering self-control in the classroom, go to my "Teacher Workshop" page on my website www.parenting-solutions.com and click on the link to the article.
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| PARENTING SOLUTIONS' NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
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While I certainly encourage parents to assess their strengths and weaknesses on an ongoing basis, the New Year provides a natural opportunity to take stock and set some realistic goals in the parenting department.
First, take mental note of the things that you naturally do well as a parent, or of new parenting skills that you have acquired. This is important in that it compels you to acknowledge the positive qualities that you offer as a parent and then helps highlight what you could do better. It's not a matter of being a "good parent" or a "bad parent"; it's a matter of looking at your strengths and seeing where there's room for improvement. Then, pick one parenting skill you would like to acquire or improve upon this year and set specific and quantifiable goals in that area.
When I became a new mother, there were some aspects of the role that came very naturally for me; patience wasn't one of them. For several years, my resolution list included various specific ways I could exhibit patience with my children. For example, one year I vowed not to overreact to spills, broken objects, and other inconveniences. I practiced taking a deep breath and saying to myself, "It's not important. Nobody got hurt!" Throughout those years of serenity-building resolutions, when other parents commented on what a patient parent I was, I would rejoin, "I'm working on it every day!"
So, here are some resolutions to consider for the new year. Perhaps one of them will resonate with you or spark another idea.
- Be more consistent. Uncertainty is the greatest cause of stress in young children. Being clear with your children about rules and then following through with consequences when appropriate creates a world where your child is certain about what is acceptable and what is not. Resolve to 'mean what you say, and say what you mean.'
- Establish better nighttime routines. If your kids are often cranky during the day, they may not be getting enough sleep. Make a decision to set a healthy bedtime schedule and work to find consistent bedtime routines that foster a good night's sleep for your child (and you!). Start the routine earlier, be consistent about not giving in to delaying tactics, and (unless you have a baby who still needs to be fed during the nighttime) resolve to use proven techniques to help your child get herself back to sleep when she wakes in the middle of the night.
- Provide more positive feedback. Although you want to be consistent in establishing boundaries and unacceptable behaviors so that your child has clear expectations, you must balance that by being just as alert to favorable behaviors so that your child is encouraged to continue those behaviors. Do not give false praise or resort to hyperbole. Simply look for plenty of opportunities each day to acknowledge things that your child is doing well or ways he has shown improvement (for example, "I love the way you cleared the table as soon as I asked you," or "Thanks for being so quiet while your baby sister was napping.").
- Give more choices. There are all sorts of restrictions we must put on our children for safety and teaching purposes. Are you balancing directives with plenty of choices? This is especially important for toddlers, who are beginning to develop a sense of independence and are frustrated by the many limits put on them. Be hyper-conscious about giving them choices all day long; for example, you can ask an 18 month-old, "Should we take this book or that book with us on the bus?" (he can point). You can give toddlers choices such as, "Do you want your juice in the Elmo cup or the Cookie Monster cup?," or "Would you like to brush your teeth or wash your face first?" As your children grow, you should give them more significant options that show an appropriate level of trust and respect. If you give your children ample opportunities to make their own decisions at every age, you will magically find that you get much less resistance in situations where they don't have a choice.
- Be more physically affectionate. Do you hug your child several times a day? If not, this one might be for you. Spontaneous physical affection is an important sign of your unconditional love. No child should be without it.
- Plan for individual attention. If you have more than one child, you may struggle to find time to focus on them one at a time. Arrange to spend time alone with each child on a special activity; once a week is ideal. Also, staggering bedtimes (e.g. putting them to bed in reverse order of birth) is a good way to make sure you have a little time alone with each child every day.
- Be a better listener. Perhaps you say "uh huh," but you're not really paying attention as your child expounds on what he built in the block corner at preschool that morning. Practice active listening and use the acronym "CAR" as a starting point. Focus on what your child is telling you, and then either Comment, Ask a question, or Respond.
- Model respect. Do you always speak to your own parents, spouse, relatives, and business colleagues in a respectful tone? You set the example for how your children will treat you and others, so be especially mindful of the words, gestures and tone of voice that you model.
The above ideas are meant to be general - you will want to set a specific goal that is appropriate to your situation. For example, "I will give my child at least one positive affirmation after his soccer game each week," or "I will spend at least an hour with Sam on a woodworking project every other week."
Looking back, although there have been other parenting resolutions I've made outside the area of patience over the years, I would say that I am the most amazed and proud of my growth in that area. Those yearly resolutions helped me not only to be a better parent, with immeasurable but certain benefits for my kids, but also taught me a skill that has improved every area of my life.
I hope you find similar satisfaction in improving on or acquiring a new parenting skill in the coming year!
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP:
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"Which One Doesn't Belong?" is a simple game to pass the time with children in the car or while waiting with them anywhere. Give your child three or four words (e.g. dog, airplane, cat) and ask her to tell you which one doesn't belong with the others and why. Once your child gets the hang of it, make the categories more obscure. This will spark your child's creativity, so be receptive to reasoning that differs from what you had in mind. Switch roles (your child gives you a group of words) and be ready for some interesting explanations!
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP:
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Once your child is reading, a general rule of thumb when selecting books for him to read himself is to look for stories about characters approximately the same age as your child. More often than not, the reading level and subject matter are geared toward children the same age as the children in the story.
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Do you and your children need a better night's sleep?
Does your baby have daytime and nighttime reversed?
Are you having trouble getting your children to sleep in their own beds?
Do you wish bedtime wasn't a struggle with your kids?
Good sleeping habits are essential for the well-being of your family,
and I have the experience to help your household get a good night's sleep; contact me at meg@parenting-solutions.com!
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Are you interested in organizing a parenting workshop at your child's school?
I offer workshops on a variety of topics including Putting an End to Power Struggles
and Developing Good Sleep Habits. I can also tailor sessions to suit your particular audience's
interests. Contact me at meg@parenting-solutions.com and we'll discuss!
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Are you struggling with a parenting challenge? Are you having trouble being consistent? I can help you find practical solutions that will make your job as a parent easier and more enjoyable. Consultations are in person, by phone, or by e-mail, so I am able to work with parents nationwide. Contact me today at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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