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Parenting Solutions:
www.parenting-solutions.com
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Dear Friends,
I'm often asked the question, "What is the most common mistake that parents make?"
I prefer to think of that question in a different light: "What is most challenging part of parenting?" or "In what area could most parents improve?" But, no matter how one phrases the question, I'm sure you're not surprised to hear me say that discipline is the major parenting issue. You might, however, be surprised to learn what I mean by "discipline."
What do you think of when you hear the word "discipline?" According to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, its primary synonym is "punishment," but, that's not the implication that I have in mind. I actually think there are several components in defining what discipline should mean for parents...and none involve punishment.
In this month's article below, I share my views on a crucial aspect of discipline and reveal the secrets of developing positive behavior in your children. Are you doing the #1 thing you need to do to instill values in your kids ? Read "Got Discipline?" and find out!
Next month, I am going to let you in on the most important thing you can do to raise children who are sensitive to others and appreciate what they have.
Until then,
Happy Parenting,
Meg
P.S. Check out some new stuff on my website www.parenting-solutions.com:
* Parenting Solutions Newsletter Archive (look for topics of interest in previous issues)
* Testimonials
* New additions to my Resources page
* A new "Educational Toys" category in my review section on the Tips/Advice page
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| "GOT DISCIPLINE?"
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Discipline is often synonymous with punishment, though, in relation to parenting, the two should have nothing to do with each other. Punishments are usually arbitrary and, in the long run, ineffective.
I'd like focus here on the definition of discipline that refers to a controlled pattern of behavior. No, I'm not talking about one for the kids - I'm talking about an orderly pattern of behavior for you! As a parent, you need to muster the discipline to be consistent in response to unacceptable behavior.
Consider this: Researchers have found that uncertainty is the largest source of stress in babies and toddlers. When you aren't clear about what behavior is expected and which behaviors are not tolerated, your children are living in uncertainty every moment.
If you tell your child to stop throwing the toy blocks, but then do nothing when she begins throwing them again, you have created confusion in your child's mind as to whether or not throwing blocks is allowed, and your words lose their impact.
Here is another example: If you have decided and conveyed to your child that whining is an unacceptable behavior (and I strongly suggest that it should be), then, you must never ever give in to your child when he/she is whining. If there is no consistent pattern to your response to behavior your child subconsciously thinks "Hmm...sometimes when I whine, I get what I want. It's always worth trying." If he/she consistently doesn't get anything out of a negative behavior, he/she won't continue that behavior.
Likewise, if your child asks for something in a polite way, you should acknowledge his/her favorable behavior (e.g. "I really liked they way you asked me that!"). Cognitive dissonance is an extremely powerful force in human nature. When a person continues to behave in a certain way because they are getting a result that works for them, they will come to believe that the behavior is correct. (Along the same lines, never tell a child he/she is "bad" - he/she will certainly come to believe it and act accordingly.)
You also must be disciplined in providing logical consequences for negative behavior, as opposed to unrelated punishments that make no sense to a child. Thinking of a consequence that relates to the behavior and then following through with it is crucial in creating an environment of stability and is extremely effective. For example, if a child whines "I'm hungry!" as a way to ask you for a snack, simply require from him/her a polite and respectful request. If your child doesn't comply, the consequence is that you don't respond with a snack.
So. . .the #1 thing you must do as a parent to eliminate struggles over discipline:
Be consistent!
In the end, it's not about imposing "discipline" on our children. It's about having the self-discipline as parents to be clear to ourselves about the boundaries we are establishing and the lessons we are teaching our children, and then being consistent about implementing those standards. You don't discipline your children; you teach your children discipline by having the discipline to be clear in your own mind about what's acceptable and what's not. If you are consistent in providing consequences for behavior that is undesirable and positive feedback for behavior that is acceptable, over time you will eliminate power struggles between you and your children and find harmony in your home.
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP:
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Your children will be more likely to comply with your requests if you use positive rather than negative wording. For example, instead of saying "you can't play until you've taken your bath," try "As soon as you take your bath you can play." As an alternative to "if you don't say please, I won't give you a snack," use "We say please when we're asking for something." And, substitute "If you don't get into bed right now, we won't read a book" with "The moment you're in bed we can start reading this book. I can't wait to see what it's about!"
Over the next few days, listen carefully to the words you choose. Could you be using positive language more often?
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PARENTING SOLUTIONS QUICK TIP:
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Always bring small books and a few portable toys with you wherever you go. You never know when you're going to be in a situation where you have to wait (such as sitting at a restaurant, or standing on a long line at the grocery store). A great deal of kids' "acting up" can be attributed to boredom.
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Are you struggling with a parenting challenge? Are you having trouble being consistent? I can help you find practical solutions that will make your job as a parent easier and more enjoyable. Consultations are in person, by phone, or by e-mail, so I am able to work with parents nationwide. Contact me today at meg@parenting-solutions.com.
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Do you and your children need a better night's sleep? Does your baby have daytime and
nighttime reversed? Are you having trouble getting your children to sleep in their own beds?
Do you wish bedtime wasn't a struggle with your kids?
Good sleeping habits are essential for the well-being of your family, and I have the
experience to help your household get a good night's sleep; contact me at meg@parenting-solutions.com and we'll discuss!
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