News from Metropolitan Community Church of Austin

About half the time a member's departure coincides with a move or other change in life circumstance. But the other half of the time a member's departure happens quietly, sometimes with seeming abruptness and sometimes slowly and subtly over a long period. Quite often these departures are accompanied by heartbreak, pointing fingers, and faultfinding. I don't think the finger pointing and faultfinding happen with malicious intent. I think our human nature is to see the ending of relationships as failures, and so as a means of self protection, we assign the fault outside ourselves.

When people leave a congregation, we seem to need the comfort of an identifiable reason-something we can point to and say "That's why." I see this same thing happen when longtime couples break up, especially when the breakup is not an amicable one. Not only do the members of the couple need to assign fault as a way to insulate themselves, but friends often take sides and assign fault also...not so much as a matter of judgment or revenge, but as a matter of moving toward closure. Sometimes couples who are friends of the couple breaking up find it necessary to identify and assign fault as a way of convincing themselves that their relationship is not in any danger because the same faults aren't present in their own relationship.

But the thing is, often relationships end not because of grievous faults but because of poor fits. Let me set up an analogy for you. Churches are like cars. You've got your MCCs, Baptists, Catholics, Lutherans, Disciples, and so on. With cars you've got Ford, Hyundai, Honda, Toyota, Chevrolet, and on and on. Within the church denominations you've got differences in the congregation's ethnic, socioeconomic, and regional identity. With cars, you've got all kinds of different models: Mustang, Ranger, Sonata, Wrangler, etc. In churches you have large and small, solo pastors and large staffs, "high church" and "low," powerful preachers and gentle shepherds, focus inward or focus outward, emphasis on personal salvation and Bible study or on social justice and spirituality. With a near infinite number of possibilities, it's no wonder that our particular congregation does not fit everyone...doesn't even fit every GLBT or Q one. It's the same as with cars. A lot of people take one look at me and my VW Beetle and assume we're not a fit, but I know we're perfect for each other.

When people leave MCC Austin without a clear, guilt-less reason like moving for a job, we who remain need to free ourselves of the temptation to identify failure on one part or the other. I'm not advocating that we ignore people's leaving or that we don't listen and try to carefully discern when we need to make changes; I'm simply encouraging us to remember that sometimes the leaving has to do with fit and not with fault at all. Everyone who leaves us is not demonstrating a lack of commitment, a shallow faith life, unrealistic expectations, or selfishness for wanting their own needs met. We need to bless them and release them.

That ability to bless and release works both ways. I would hope that those of you who find yourselves being led to move on will prayerfully discern whether the congregation is failing in its ministry or whether it is simply time in your life for something else. It's okay to leave because you're feeling a tug on your spirit, because your needs have changed, or even because you're not the commitment type without casting a litany of fault onto the congregation: The pastor is too busy for me; the music director doesn't know how to use talent; the staff doesn't show enough appreciation; I'm not being spiritually fed, the leadership is making poor decisions; the congregation has the wrong ministry priorities; if you dare to volunteer you'll be used to the point of burnout.

At the risk of repeating my redundancy: It's often about fit, not fault.

No meaningful relationships, whether personal or with a community, are simple. If you find one that fits your needs and fills your soul, hold on for dear life through challenges and celebrations and pleasure and pain. You will be blessed. If you realize that one never fit or doesn't anymore, allow yourself to move on, blamelessly. You, too, will be blessed.

Always in Hope,