Expectation Management
by Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA

I'm a big fan of expectation management-that is, actively managing the expectations that other people have of me. Telling them what they can expect me to do and what they shouldn't expect of me. By contrast, the times when I don't do that, I wind up feeling stressed out and make myself nuts trying to live up to something I can't easily deliver. Because ADHD affects an adult's ability to consistently do what others expect, expectation management is an especially important skill to develop.

For example, if you tend to run late, you may want to tell a new friend, "I'm really bad at getting places on time. I try to, but I still tend to run late a lot more than I would like. So if I'm late getting to the restaurant, just call me and I'll tell you when I'll get there. Better yet, call me before you leave to make sure that I'm not running too far behind. If I'm really late, order an appetizer and it's on me." This way the friend doesn't expect you to be on time and then get resentful when you're not.

This doesn't mean that you get a free pass whenever you tell someone that you're not good at something. Most people probably won't go for that one-sided arrangement. Rather, expectation management has the goal of keeping both people happy, of preventing bad feelings, misinterpretations, and resentment. Obviously, in an ideal world, we would all be able to do everything perfectly. But in this messy world that we live in, we need to accept shortcomings in ourselves and others. The shortcomings exist whether we accept them or not-by accepting them and actively managing them, they have less of an effect on our happiness.

You may not have any choice over having ADHD, but you can choose what you do about it. For example, you may always be forgetful to some degree, so you may need to tell the people in your life that they shouldn't expect you to have a better memory than you actually do. Nothing personal, you just don't remember things as well as you might wish. It's better to be upfront about this than to let other people come to their own conclusions about these sorts of things. Of course, to do this effectively, you need to generally feel pretty good about yourself and be able to admit your weaknesses without getting defensive or crumbling into shame.

Expectation management involves five parts, as the lateness example above illustrates:

• Acknowledge your weakness. Be honest with the other person (and yourself) about what you can probably pull off and what you probably can't. You will quickly be found it if you try to hide it, so it's better to deal with it directly.
• Explain what the weakness means (and doesn't). It's easy for others to read all sorts of negative intentions and character traits into typical ADHD behavior. It's therefore really important to nip that in the bud so that the other person doesn't assume the worst.
• Do your best. Tell and perhaps show the other person how you're trying to compensate for this weakness. Intentions count.
• Give the other person some options. Not that he should be limited by your options, but this way he doesn't need to guess about what you will find acceptable. You may also want to give him permission to do certain things (like remind you) that he might not otherwise feel are appropriate.
• Re-balance the relationship. Make whatever amends are necessary and that you're willing to make.

Everyone makes their own choices in life. It isn't your job to be perfect for anyone, nor to make those choices for him. However, it is your responsibility to inform those choices that other people make. This means describing what you do and perhaps why you do it. They then get to decide what they want to do. You will encounter some people who just aren't willing or able to make that work. It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is. By the same token, you will encounter some people that you aren't interested in making it work with. It takes two to tango and both people need to do their part, so don't take full responsibility for things not working out. Being too hard on yourself and blaming yourself for things that weren't entirely your fault will only make you less willing to apply yourself to the next situation.

We may not have as much control over our weaknesses as we would like, but we do have control over how we handle them. Expectation management involves actively managing our interactions with other people so that everyone is happier with the outcome.

Success for ADHD College Students
by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., NCC, LMHC.,

College students face many new challenges at the start of each semester. Where will they live? How will they get from point A to point B? How will they study? How will they cope with missing their family and friends back home? For the college student with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), these concerns are magnified. I wish to summarize a few key points here from my recent book (Sarkis, 2008), which provides much more information and many recommendations specifically regarding the ADHD student's college experience and includes tips directly from ADHD college students.

SELECTING A COLLEGE
When visiting college campuses, ADHD students and their parents should focus on the degree of individual instruction and quality of services provided at the school. Many students with ADHD seek accommodations through the college's Office for Student Disability Services (OSDS). (Specific accommodations and procedures will be discussed later in this article). To best determine the services offered at a particular college, the following information should be acquired from each college's OSDS; the number of ADHD students served, average class size, available support groups for ADHD students, availability of an on-call number, the prevalence of ADHD specialists on campus, staff specifically trained to help with orientation, and when the family visits the campus, the possibility of meeting with an ADHD student who uses accommodations through the OSDS. (Click here to read the full article.)

Sarkis, Stephanie (2008). Success for the ADHD College Student. The ADHD Report, 16(5), 1-5. Reprinted with permission of The Guilford Press.

Visit myADHD.com and use the follow tools this month to help children with ADHD establish household routines and to promote responsibility:

• My Daily Jobs
• My Morning Jobs List
• My Bedtime Jobs List
• Using a Home Token Economy Worksheet