Nine Parenting Strategies to Teach Better
Behavior
by Harvey C. Parker, Ph.D., author of
The ADHD Workbook for Parents
In a perfect world children would always do
what they are told. Unfortunately, the world
is not perfect and no one I know has a
perfectly well-behaved child. The truth is
that no child obeys parental commands or
follows rules even close to one hundred
percent of the time. In fact, about half of
all families of children who are four to
seven years of age report disobedience at
home to be a problem and noncompliance is a
frequent reason why parents seek mental
health services.
Children with ADHD, especially the
hyperactive-impulsive and combined types,
have a greater risk of developing
noncompliant behavior. Such children, by
definition, have difficulty inhibiting
behavior, paying attention to their
surroundings, and following through on
parental commands, particularly when the
command prevents them from doing what they
want. They have difficulty making
transitions from doing what they like to
something they like less. They become easily
frustrated and readily show dissatisfaction.
They have trouble waiting, planning, and
forseeing consequences to their behavior and
thus they are often "managed by the moment"
rather than by reason. Dr. Russell Barkley
has indicated that children with ADHD have a
deficit in rule-governed behavior that may
cause them not to listen and fail to follow
instructions and stick to a task.
What Factors Contribute to Childhood
Noncompliance?
By ages two and three, most children should
already be able to understand commands given
by their parents and teachers and they
possess the physical ability and self-control
necessary to carry them out. As their
ability to comply increases so does their
desire for autonomy and so they become less
willing to comply. However, as they go
through early childhood, children generally
become more cooperative. By the start of
elementary school they are able to handle the
increasing social demands that will be placed
on them and should have little trouble
complying.
Some children, however, do not follow this
path of compliance and, instead, become more
and more noncompliant. What are the factors
that contribute to this? Hyperactivity is
one. Temperament is another.
Some children
seem to be born with temperaments that
predispose them to develop behavior problems.
From very early in life, these children are
intense, negative, and non-adaptable.
Difficult temperament may cause parents to
adopt coercive styles of interaction with the
child that could worsen behavior and affect
the quality of the parent-child relationship.
Types of parenting practices that have been
associated with the development of
noncompliance in children include
inconsistent discipline, irritable explosive
discipline, little supervision of child
behavior, low levels of involvement with the
child, and inflexible and rigid parenting
styles.
Also contributing to noncompliance is a
pattern in families of negatively reinforcing
the child who disobeys by removing a
punishment or providing a reward or privilege
after the child acts out inappropriately.
For example, a mother tells a child he cannot
watch televison until his homework is
completed, but then backs down and allows the
child to watch after he throws a tantrum or
argues, thereby reinforcing the noncompliant
behavior.
Traditional Parent Training
Most traditional approaches to parent
training teach a similar set of skills to be
used by parents of noncompliant children to
improve behavior and compliance. These
skills can be summarized as follows:
increasing parental attention and positive
reinforcement to the child for engaging in
socially appropriate and compliant behavior;
reducing any positive reinforcement (such as
parental attention) being provided to the
child for engaging in disruptive or defiant
behavior; and applying punishment when the
child exhibits inappropriate or noncompliant
behavior. In most programs, positive
reinforcement may involve parental attention,
snacks, toys, privileges, or tokens that can
be exchanged for privileges and toys.
Punishment usually takes the form of
time-out, but it can also include loss of
privileges or tokens. In addition, parents
are provided with guidelines to clearly give
instructions and in the use of home token
economy programs and daily report cards for
use in school. This chapter will help you
learn and practice the skills taught in
traditional parent training programs.
Skill 1: Using Positive Reinforcement to
Strengthen Appropriate Behavior
Attention and rewards are two types of
positive reinforcement that parents can use
to strengthen appropriate behavior.
People, in general, and children, in
particular, respond better to praise than
punishment or disinterest. Often, as parents
we tend to take our children's positive
behavior for granted and we fail to attend
to, or positively reinforce, appropriate
behavior. When a behavior is followed by a
reinforcer (verbal praise, a smile, a hug, or
a reward of some sort), that behavior is
strengthened, and it is more likely to be
repeated in the future. Our failure to
recognize, praise, or reward the child often
enough for doing the right thing is a very
common mistake that can lead to a weakening
of appropriate behavior. Frequent positive
reinforcement not only increases the
probability of a behavior being repeated, but
it also helps the child feel good, builds
confidence, and provides encouragement and
motivation.
The practice of using positive reinforcement
to change the behavior of a child is easy to
understand, however, few people do it well.
Some parents just find it very hard to give
compliments. They withhold their approval,
offering praise and congratulations only for
outstanding accomplishments. Such parents
fail to realize the powerful benefits of a
few kind words delivered consistently. At
the opposite extreme, other parents offer
positive reinforcement too liberally. They
literally gush with praise, hugs, and other
displays of affection no matter what the
child does. Parents who are interested in
changing behavior should provide positive
reinforcement contingent on the child
displaying the behavior that the parent would
like to see increased.
When teaching a new behavior, it is best to
reinforce every time the behavior occurs.
New behaviors require immediate and
continuous reinforcement in order to get
started. For more complicated behaviors
(i.e., completing homework before dinner), it
is important to reinforce in small steps.
This is called shaping. For example, to
shape your child to pay attention to homework
it would be important to provide positive
reinforcement at several points in the
process of homework completion. In this
example, reinforcement could be given for
writing the complete homework assignment down
in school, for bringing home the proper
books, for getting down to work at the
correct time, and while the child is actually
doing the homework. Such immediate and
continuous reinforcement in small steps is
better than a parent just complimenting the
child after all of the homework is completed.
Physical reinforcers such as privileges,
food, refreshments, money, toys, or tokens,
among others, are useful in changing
behavior. Some parents are hesitant to offer
such reinforcers as they feel that they are
bribing their child to behave appropriately.
Keep in mind that we all work for physical
reinforcers (money usually) and that bribes
usually refer to payment that one gets for
doing something inappropriate or illegal.
Children with ADHD need to be reinforced more
frequently than other children. They may
also benefit from written contracts, point
programs, sticker charts. or other tangible
programs that provide tokens that can be
exchanged for privileges and rewards. These
will be discussed later.
Skill 2: Ignore Inappropriate Behavior
While positive reinforcement strengthens
behavior, ignoring negative behavior can
weaken it.
Ignoring can have a powerful influence on
behavior, particularly those behaviors that
are attention-seeking in nature (e.g.,
whining, nagging, temper tantrums,
interruptions). These behaviors tend to
decrease when the child does not receive
attention for them.
Many children with ADHD will have a more
severe reaction when parents ignore their
misbehavior. They may yell to get the
parent's attention. Parents will have to
remain more steadfast in ignoring this
behavior than may otherwise be required for
non-ADHD children. When it gets to be too
much the parent may have to go to another
room (reverse time-out) for a short while.
Skill 3: Listening Practice
Listening practice is for children under the
age of nine. It is designed to positively
reinforce the child for correctly listening
to commands. When the child complies with
the command, the parent positively reinforces
his compliance. However, if the child
refuses to comply, the parent is then to warn
the child that he will have to go to
time-out. Further noncompliance will result
in time-out (read the next section on using
time-out).
For the next two weeks, spend five to ten
minutes each day and explain to your child
that this time will be used for Listening
Practice. During Listening Practice, make
sure that your child has your undivided
attention. Proceed to give several simple
assertive commands to the child followed by
positive verbal reinforcement for listening.
Skill 4: Giving Clear Instructions
In their book, Helping
the Noncompliant Child, Robert
McMahon and
Rex Forehand
stress the importance of giving clear
instructions to the child to reduce
noncompliant behavior. They point out that
clear instructions are necessary when it is
important to the parent that the child do
something immediately; when the parent is not
willing to offer a choice of behaviors to the
child, but insists on a specific behavior; or
if the child is behaving in a way that might
possibly harm themselves, other people, or
property. Providing clear, specific
instructions improves the likelihood of
compliance.
Skill 5: Using Time-out
Time-out is a very effective procedure to use
in managing misbehavior. Simply put,
time-out means that the child is removed from
a reinforcing situation and is instructed to
spend time in a dull, non-reinforcing
environment. Time-out can result in rapid
behavioral change. Some misbehaviors will
decrease if the parents ignore the
misbehavior. However, for highly annoying
misbehaviors such as sibling rivalry, temper
tantrums, or aggressive and destructive
behavior, ignoring takes too long to produce
behavioral change and it is unlikely that
most parents would have the patience to
ignore such misbehavior for very long.
Since time-out, by definition, requires a
nonreinforcing environment, you should pick a
place in the house where there are no toys,
games, televisions, books, or people. The
child's room may not be a good place to use
for time-out because of all the distractions
available to the child. Some parents prefer
to use a time-out chair placed in a quiet
room and instruct the child to sit in the
chair. Other places for time out may include
steps on a staircase, a bathroom (all
medications and sharp tools should be
removed), or a spare room that does not
contain toys, televisions, video games, or
other enjoyable activities.
A good rule of thumb to use is one minute of
time-out per year of age of the child for
mild misbehavior and two minutes per year of
age for more serious misbehavior. This may
be shortened to a half-minute per year of age
for children with ADHD who have great
difficulty sitting still. It is very helpful
to use a portable timer with a bell or buzzer
to signal the end of a time-out period. For
children with ADHD, parents are encouraged to
ignore minor motor movements of the child
while he is in the time-out chair or for
those who just cannot sit in the chair, the
parent may put a border of masking tape
around the chair giving the child some leeway
in moving around without being penalized.
Since the purpose of using time-out is to
replace more aggressive, negative, and/or
emotional forms of punishment such as
yelling, scolding, and spanking, it is
important that instructions to go to time-out
be given to the child in an unemotional way,
using firm and assertive commands. The
parent should avoid lecturing, name calling,
arguing, or asking rhetorical questions such
as "How many times do I have to tell you not
to do that?" or "When are you going to
listen?" This only serves to provide more
attention to the child for his misbehavior
and may inadvertently reinforce the
undesirable behavior.
Skill 6: Setting Up Standing Rules
Every parent should keep a list of a few
standing rules that the child is expected to
follow. Below are some examples of standing
rules:
1. Homework is to be completed before dinner
or you will not be able to watch television
or play video games.
2. Bedtime is 8:30 pm Sunday-Thursday and
9:30 pm Friday and Saturday. If you stay up
past your bedtime without permission, you
will have to go to bed one-half hour earlier
the next day.
3. Bookbags should be put in your bedroom
when you come home from school. If your
bookbag is left out, you will have to
practice bringing it to your room five times.
After a standing rule has been established by
the parent, it should be explained to the
child. Parents should post standing rules in
one or two places in the home (e.g., kitchen,
child's bedroom, playroom). Parents should
remind the child about the standing rule
every now and then.
Skill 7: Managing Behavior Out of the
Home
Noncompliant behavior often occurs in
settings other than the home (e.g., while
riding in the car, on shopping trips, in
restaurants, while visiting in others' homes,
in playgrounds).
It is often difficult to deal with
noncompliant behavior in public places
because you have less control over the
environment, you may not want to draw
attention from others, you may fear
embarrassment if your child does not respond
to correction appropriately, etc. Parents
who effectively apply the parenting skills in
their home will have a better chance of
succeeding in public places. You shouldn't
expect your child to behave in a public place
if they don't behave well at home. To
improve your success in managing behavior
outside the home, consider the following
suggestions:
1. Have a plan. Plan ahead what action you
will take if your child misbehaves outside
the home. For example, if you are shopping
and your child acts out, where will you send
him to time-out? Will you find a spot in the
store where he can stand alone for a few
minutes? Will you return to the car and have
him serve his time-out inside the car while
you wait close by?
2. Explain your expectations to your child
ahead of time and the consequences for his
misbehavior.
3. Have a practice session. Tell your child
what will happen if he misbehaves. Then
practice it at home. For example, if
shopping is a problem, make a short practice
visit to a store where your goal is not to
shop but to just practice positive behavior.
If the child does well, get him a snack at
the store as a reward.
4. During practice and in times of actual
events, catch your child behaving well and
provide praise.
5. Find ways to keep your child's attention
focused in a positive way. For example:
bring toys for the child to play with on a
car ride; enlist the child's help in finding
items in a supermarket; when visiting at
another home excuse yourself regularly to
praise your child for appropriate behavior.
6. Continue to give clear instructions when
you issue a command. Get close to the child,
make sure you have the child's attention,
state your command simply and
authoritatively, wait five seconds for
compliance without saying anything else, and
use time-out if the child does not comply.
Skill 8: Setting Up a Home Token
System
A home token economy system can provide
families with a positive method to promote
behavior change. A token economy system is
essentially a contract between the parents
and the child stating that if the child
behaves in a certain way, the parents will
agree to provide tokens that can be traded
for certain rewards and/or privileges.
It is often difficult to deal with
noncompliant behavior in public places
because you have less control over the
environment, you may not want to draw
attention from others, you may fear
embarrassment if your child does not respond
to correction appropriately, etc. Parents
who effectively apply the parenting skills in
their home will have a better chance of
succeeding in public places. You shouldn't
expect your child to behave in a public place
if they don't behave well at home.
Skill 9: Using a Daily Report Card for
School Behavior
A Daily Report Card can be used to improve
behavior in school. It involves the
collaboration between school and home in the
assessment of the child's behavior by the
teacher, and the administration of rewards
and consequences at home, based upon the
teacher's assessment. The program is similar
to a token economy system described earlier.
Parents of ADHD students are used to working
with teachers. They quickly adapt to the
Daily Report Card program and often
appreciate having daily feedback as to their
child's school performance. Daily reporting
generally facilitates better parent-teacher
communication and encourages the development
of home-school partnerships. Parents don't
have to wait for parent-teacher conferences
or report cards to learn about their child's
progress.
Use of daily report cards is quite common for
children with ADHD. The immediate feedback
provided by the teacher and opportunity to
earn rewards at home and at school can be a
great incentive for students.
Summary
In summary, traditional parenting programs
generally teach parents skills such as
attending, rewarding, ignoring, instructing,
the use of time-out, the use of home token
programs, and daily report cards to manage
behavior in school. Children with ADHD
present behavior management problems and
parents using behavior modification
strategies such as those described above
should apply them consistently as part of a
multi-modal program to help improve the
behavior of their child. Kids with ADHD do
best when parents work closely with health
professionals, educators, and others using
multiple approaches to meet the child's needs.
This article was excerpted from
