New from InsightStream--May 2008 Intend-to-Thrive Newsletter

Welcome back to Intend to Thrive!, the monthly newsletter from Deb Dominguez at InsightStream. We are continuing the theme of examining our unconscious patterns with a look at "over-pleasing" this month. This very common and powerful pattern can inform our decisions and undermine our well being. Read on for some practical ways to heal and grow!

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Ending the Cycle of "People Pleasing"

The Practice of Being True to Yourself

By Deb Dominguez

My earliest memory of holding back the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings was in first grade when Abel Adams boldly expressed his love for me and waited expectantly for my response. So started my life-long struggle with saying what was true for me when I feared it might hurt, offend, piss off, bother or slightly annoy another person. Thankfully Abel was fickle and moved on within 24 hours of the launch our one-sided romance. I, however, have taken considerably longer to recognize and master (mostly) my people-pleasing pattern.

If you have a pleasing pattern, it doesn't necessarily mean that you always acquiesce or tell a white lie to save someone's feelings. Your pleasing part may only be activated in certain situations while in others you might be assertive. How do you know if you have people pleasing tendencies? Take the quiz below:

People Pleaser Pop Quiz:
Read the following questions and answer True or False. Answer True even if you only feel this way occasionally. If you never feel this way, answer False.

I agree to do things I really don't want to do.
I have a hard time speaking my mind if I think ________ will disagree with me.
I try to be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.
Sometimes it's just easier to go along with what someone else wants than to argue about it.
It bothers me if I think someone is angry, upset or unhappy with me.
I try to do for others before I do for myself even if they don't appreciate it.
I listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve them.
I have a hard time saying no.
I have a hard time setting boundaries and sticking to them.
It's important to me for everyone to like me.
I try to be who the people in my life want me to be.
It's hard for me to decide what I want.

If these statements fit you, even if it's only occasionally, you may have a people-pleaser pattern. It isn't necessary that they apply to you across the board. You may be overly accommodating only with particular people or in specific situations. Once you've answered the quiz questions thinking of your life in general, go through it again and answer them for how you are at work, with your partner, with your kids, with your friends, etc. It may be that you score relatively low for the pleaser pattern with your co-workers but much higher with your spouse or your boss. It's worth seeing if and where this pattern creeps up on you so you can focus your efforts on mastering it.

Answer Key:

9 - 12 True: You, my friend, appear to be in the grip of the people-pleaser pattern. It is likely informing your decisions, impacting your relationships and potentially undermining your happiness and well-being because you are suppressing your authentic voice.

5 - 8 True: The people pleaser pattern is present enough in your life for you to take a good look at it and consciously decide if it's working for you. You could be paying a heavy price for not being true to yourself.

1 - 4 True: Almost all of us have some of this pattern to some extent and with certain people and if you answered True to four or less, this pattern is present but not primary. However, it's worth examining the questions for which you answered True--these are your opportunities for healing and growth.

Are People Pleasers Made or Born?

Whether or not you have the type of personality that naturally tends toward the care and feeding of others, crossing the line into unconscious over-pleasing is a habitual response that is programmed early in life. As small children, we pleaser types put it together in our heads that if we were "good" everyone would love us and we would survive. We then made an unconscious agreement with ourselves to keep the people around us happy so we would be safe. Some of us may not have had our childhood feelings and needs acknowledged or valued by our caretakers and we did not learn to value them ourselves.

The good news is that patterns start losing their power over us the minute that we become aware of them. With intentional practice we can heal this pattern and reclaim our authentic voice. This does not mean that you have to sacrifice being kind or compromising or that being nice is bad. It's simply shifting from "over-pleasing" from an unconscious place where you are giving up who you really are to loving and giving consciously when you choose to do so.

3 Stops on the Road to Your Authentic Voice

1. Get Back in Touch with What YOU Want

If you've had this pattern active in your life, you may not be giving a lot of thought to what you want for yourself, separate and apart from what others want from you. My friend Megan, who has been consciously working on healing her pleaser pattern, was asked to host a baby shower and was feeling very ambivalent about it. I suggested that we create a Choice Matrix to help her get in touch with what she really wanted to do.

To create her Choice Matrix we took a plain sheet of paper and wrote the two extremes, unconditional Yes on the left side and unconditional No on the right. We then looked at some options between yes and no. It looked like this

Baby Shower Choice Matrix

Yes, whatever you want.

Yes, but only if other mutual friends will share the duties

Yes, but only if we make it a casual pot luck

No, but I will come early to help set up

No, I can't.

Obviously you can have as many options as you can think of between Yes and No. And there are no wrong or bad options, including Yes and No; they are all simply choices you can make. When completing a Choice Matrix, review it while checking in with yourself to see which choice emerges as your highest and best option--you will sense it in your heart when you see it. If you're still not sure, imagine that your fairy Godmother popped in with a 'guilt free' card. Now which one would you pick? Chances are that's your heart's true choice.

Megan decided that if she could get some help with the logistics and cooking, she would be glad to host the shower. The decision did not come from an automatic need to please but from a thoughtful inner discovery process. The Choice Matrix is more than a tool to help you explore your options, it's a practical way to practice listening to and recognizing what your heart wants.

2. Let Go of Control-You Never Had it Anyway!

There are times when you need to use the Choice Matrix to get in touch with what you want. Other times you know right away that the answer is, "No," but it feels difficult, wrong or mean not to grant someone's request or meet their expectations. Yet, if you allow someone else's potential disappointment, anger or hurt feelings to drive your decisions rather than honoring what works for you, you amass a reserve of resentment that doesn't serve anyone.

The trick is to let go not only of the limiting belief that we are responsible for how other people feel, think or react, but also that we can, or should, spare other people from pain or sorrow at all costs. This is a tough one for most people because the 'victim' mentality is such a strongly held social tenant. I'm not talking about crime victims here, I talking about the tendency to for us to support the, "Can you believe what a jerk Fred is for breaking up with Brenda" kind of victim--as if Fred is wrong for telling his truth and Brenda is some kind of victim because she didn't like hearing it.

The truth is we can't, we don't and we never will have any control over how someone else chooses to react to our decisions. Further, we can make ourselves nuts trying to manage it. All we ever have control over is how we respond to what comes forward in our own lives. Brenda can choose to find the gifts from her relationship with Fred, examine her choices and take her learnings to her next relationship, instead of blaming Fred for her feelings.

What this means to those recovering from an over-pleasing pattern is that you can say "No" when you want to and "Yes" when you want to based on a compass calibrated to your own inner code, independent of trying to manage or control how someone else is going to react.

3. Learn to Say the "No" Word

The first key in learning to say no is to stop automatically saying yes. Pause and take a breath before responding to someone's request. Give yourself time if you need it by saying, "I need to think about it first - I'll get back to you," or, "Let me check my schedule and call you back."

No is such a simple word but it can stick in your throat when you're not used to uttering it. When you've decided to say, "No" to someone, whether it's your latest Match.com love connection gone wrong, or your neighbor inviting you to the big block party, or the sweet little Girl Scout selling cookies at your door, it's best to come right out with it rather than dragging it out.

Also, no matter how tempting it is, do not attempt to soften the blow with excuses, justifications or explanations. You don't have to explain yourself. Besides, cutting right to the bottom line is the kindest most respectful action you can take when saying no. Here are some ways to turn someone down with grace:

--I'll have to decline but thanks for asking
--Thanks for thinking of me but I'm not going to participate this time
--I can't make it but I hope you enjoy it
--That won't work for me
--It was great meeting you but we are just not a match
--This doesn't match up with my goals
--I've decided not to do this
--No thank you, I don't need any of that
--Let's agree to disagree
--Maybe next time
--The timing doesn't work for me
--Thanks but I'm not interested in doing that, going there, buying that, etc.

A Work in Progress

Being truly honest about who we are, what we want and how we feel is the ultimate act of love, respect and honor that we can give to someone. We've all been on the receiving end of someone doing something because they were afraid to be honest and say no. You know it when it happens and it does not endear the other person to you. In fact, even though they are complying, we tend to resent the martyr energy that comes along with it.

Conversely, you can tell when you are with someone who shows up as their true self--there is a playful, relaxed and loving energy that attracts and draws others. You know they say what they mean and mean what they say. You don't have to worry about hidden agendas. If they are with you, you know it's because that's where they want to be. This kind of person is a gift to the world. Being genuine and true is a gift you can give yourself at any time.

Regardless of whether you have had a pleaser pattern up to this point, it's never too late to set your intention to be true to yourself and show up authentically. Mastering a pleaser pattern, or any pattern for that matter, is an ongoing, conscious practice. Our lives provide almost constant opportunities to advocate for ourselves and while we might sometimes fail, we often meet the challenge. The goal is to be loving and gentle with ourselves as we work to increase the percentage of times that we stand in our courage, integrity and truth.