The beat of the music was pulsing through me as I struggled to keep time with the synchronized movements of Karen, the instructor of the kick-boxing class I was trying. Karen's skill and flexibility were obvious as were the results of teaching the class several times per week.  Although I was doing my best, I felt my cheeks grow hot more than once as I went right while the rest of the class went left.  Instead of congratulating myself on trying something new, my inner critic was lamenting my lack of grace.

At the end of a song, Karen laughingly apologized for missing one of the movements. Over the next few classes I noticed that she was in the habit of keeping a running commentary of her missteps, even if they were too trivial for anyone else to notice.  Karen was giving us a glimpse of her inner critic. I couldn't help wondering what was going through the minds of the other class members. How many of them, like Karen and myself, had an inner dialog that was passing judgment on their every move?

I was reminded of my friend Ann whose inner critic is relentlessly stuck on "half empty."  A lovely, funny and outwardly successful person, she can not hear a compliment without supplying an instant rebuttal. A comment about her nice outfit results in an inevitable, "It would look better if I lost a few pounds."  When she completes eight out of 10 tasks on her to-do list, she condemns herself for the unfinished two.  The impossibly high standards she sets for herself do not allow her to relax and enjoy her accomplishments, or even acknowledge them.

Use Your Power for Good (your own that is)

Even if your inner voice is not as harsh as Ann's, chances are there are circumstances in which you do pass judgment on yourself or your situation.  The inner voice we think of as "me" is a collection of habitual thought patterns and unconscious programming accumulated over the years. It regurgitates the voices that influenced us growing up including parents, teachers, sports coaches, peers, the media, etc.  Left unobserved, that voice tends toward self-judgment and worry.  "This is never going to work!" and, "What if I lose everything?" or, "How could I make such a stupid mistake?" are part of the incessant litany.  The truth is that if anyone else spoke to us the way we sometimes speak to ourselves, we would avoid them like the plague.

The good news is your inner voice is NOT you.  You are actually the observer of that voice and have the power to redirect it toward more self-supporting thoughts. With awareness, observation and practicing some simple techniques, we can literally re-wire ourselves for more positive inner dialog.  And, a more positive and self-supporting inner world, leads directly to better results in the outer world.

The Way You Relate to an Issue Is the Issue

These words, heard so frequently during my Master's program at the University of Santa Monica, mean that what is happening lacks any true power until we choose our reaction.  Most of us are in default "judgment" reaction, like my instant shame at not picking up kick boxing during the first class.  The choice point comes when I notice how I'm relating to myself and choose to be more loving.  So, the first step in taming this inner critic is to become aware of your inner dialog.  Simply notice the content of the thoughts that are running through your head as you move through your day.  Just observing them initially will be a great beginning.

The next step is to set your intention for how you will relate to yourself and your life. Even if you had parents like Mike and Carol Brady and were as lovingly cherished as Greg, Marcia and the rest of the bunch, there will still always be things you needed emotionally that you didn't get. Parents are human! The point is not to blame our parents for their shortcomings while continuing to deny ourselves unconditional love. The opportunity here is to take up the role of loving parent or best friend to ourselves. 

It is not possible to eliminate negative thoughts and that's really not the aim. The crux is getting in the habit of noticing how we relate to ourselves and setting the intention to shift from constant critic or frenetic fretter to loving, positive and supportive fan. Here are a few easy and fun ways to work with yourself:

Develop an Angel's Eye View

One way to start thinking of yourself in a more loving manner is to go back in time.  I call this exercise seeing yourself through an angel's eye view (if the angel image doesn't work for you think of how a grandparent looks at a grandchild).  This is simple and just takes 30 seconds a day.

·  Get a picture of yourself as an infant or toddler. Make sure it's one that melts your heart when you look at it.  See how darling and precious you were! 

·  Put it in a spot where you will see it when you get ready each day.

·  For a few seconds every morning, look into the eyes of your younger self and feel the love and compassion that wells up for that baby.  Whisper or think, "I love you," to the precious baby you.

·  When you really feel the love for your baby self, look into your adult eyes in the mirror and see that the beautiful baby is still there. 

This exercise helps you develop a loving and supportive way of seeing yourself.  Then, when you have a negative or critical thought about yourself, think of how you would talk to your innocent, trusting baby self and be as loving to yourself at that moment as you would to her if she was right in front of you now.

 Talk Back!

It doesn't take long to get good at noticing your inner critic's voice.  I am not suggesting that this aspect of you is bad or needs to be wiped out.  In fact, it's probably trying to protect you in some way. Yet, like any unquestioned pattern, it can easily run amok. Instead of judging it or vilifying it, we can create a compassionate relationship with it and take an active role in the inner dialog.

One way to do this is to give your inner critic a name and get a mental picture of what it would look like if it was a person.  A friend of mine thinks of her inner critic as an old fashioned school marm named Edith.  A past client started calling his inner critic Frank and the picture that came forward was a pro-wrestler. In both cases, they realized that the inner critic's intentions were good; it's just that the methods of communication needed some loving re-direction. 

In the case of Frank, whenever he was too active in weaving negative future fantasies, my client would say, "I hear you Frank, thanks for the input but I don't need to know everything that can go wrong.  What else could you be doing to help me right now?"  Frank was a creative genius at coming up with multiple possible negative scenarios. When my client posed this question, he was able to turn all of that powerful energy toward generating positive and helpful ideas.

My friend worked with Edith by saying, "I appreciate that you are trying to help me out but the way you talk to me is hurtful.  What's a more loving way of saying this to me?" By the way, this dialog can all take place in your head! The simple action of acknowledging the inner critic and understanding that this is an aspect of yourself that you can talk to, befriend and redirect can be very liberating.   

Re-write the Story

What if nothing is wrong? Put another way, what if everything that is happening right now is perfect, even the things that we don't like?  It is possible that there are gifts in everything that happens, even painful or unpleasant experiences.  Once we stop focusing on how much we don't like it and why, we make space to discover what we are learning and gaining.  One way to do that is to get in the habit of looking at both sides of a situation rather than just the negative aspects and pretending they are true.

To explore this idea think of a situation in your life that keeps you up at night and then ask yourself a few simple questions:

·  What is my "story" about this and could there be another way to view it? What is the "everything is alright" version of the story?

·  What inner and outer skills and abilities am I stretching and strengthening right now?

·  What limiting beliefs can I let go of that I no longer need?

·  In what ways can I be more compassionate with myself and others right now?

·  What is my soul trying to teach me with this experience?

Working with yourself this way acknowledges that although it can be challenging when you are in the middle of a painful or worrisome situation, you can choose your interpretation of events. 

Does This Mean You're Off the Hook?

Does relating to ourselves in a more loving and supportive way mean we shouldn't concern ourselves with things we could do differently or better?  No.  This doesn't mean that we can't or shouldn't notice when our actions create consequences we don't like. 

Unwanted consequences present us with an opportunity to take the necessary steps to improve an outcome or make amends without condemning ourselves.  The mere fact that we've created or participated in a situation that isn't working for us is not up for judgment.  We simply notice what is and choose what to do next.

In other words, when I notice that the waistband on my favorite jeans is getting tight and that the scale is confirming that I've put on a few pounds, I can decide to lose them without berating myself for gaining them.  Or if I notice that I've unconsciously defaulted into judging someone, I can become aware of it and work with these judgments (See archive link for March 2008 issue of Intend to Thrive, Cleaning Up Mental Pollution: 4 Ways to Stop Judging Now!).  I can observe my actions and their results and change course, all without judging myself.