A few months ago at my yoga class I saw a woman with a cell phone poised and ready next to her yoga mat. My first thought was, "Wow, can't she just let go of her slavish need to answer the phone for an hour?" followed quickly by, "If her phone rings during this class I'm going to be really annoyed." (It didn't by the way.)
Then, last week, I was the one with the phone by my yoga mat. I'd left my 11-year-old at home on her own for the first time and told her to call me if she had an emergency. Hmmm . . . there could have been a great reason why that other woman had her phone within easy reach, or maybe there wasn't. Maybe she really is slavishly devoted to taking all of her calls--so what? What did I gain by judging her? Nothing. In fact I undermined my own peace of mind.
We face two paradoxical truths: judging others is mental toxic waste and we do it all the time. Judging is not only an energy drain but it undermines our joy faster than trash clutters a park. Here are 4 ways to get a handle on this pervasive habit:
Judgment Buster 1: Becoming Aware
To some degree, we are all affected by a primitive part of our brain that functions in strictly black and white thinking or "splitting." This early childhood developmental stage helped us create categories of "me/us" and "not me/them" as well as good/bad, right/wrong, etc.
As we grew, we gained the ability for more nuanced and abstract thinking. However, we often unconsciously default to this black and white thinking as we observe our world. And, when we are in its grip, it takes over and informs our opinions and behaviors without our even realizing it. That's why many of our judgments spring forward as knee-jerk thoughts when we become aware of something that's "not the way it should be."
Add to that our social conditioning. We live in a society that judges and blames as a form of entertainment. Most of what we see on television is designed to make us feel superior by comparing ourselves to that 'out of control' celebrity or desperate housewife. Using judgments to justify why we are upset, appalled or in the right is the way most of us are trained. It seems to make sense that, with a few notable exceptions like Gandhi and Mother Theresa, others are basically wrong and should be more like us. We've learned that this is the appropriate way to define reality.
In an uncertain world, judging is a way for us to feel powerful and in control. If we can point to some tangible areas where 'I'm right' and 'others are wrong' it feels as if we can inoculate ourselves against chaos. Sadly, this strategy is not only ineffective it actually creates more inner unrest. The good news is that with awareness of these unconscious patterns, we can begin to recognize and override them.
Pay attention and notice your judgments. Here's a hint for figuring out when you're having a judgment: you're feeling annoyed, irritated, angry, right/ righteous or superior and you can (and often want to) explain why these feelings are justified. Just by noticing when it's happening you will be able to drop many of your smaller, "automatic" judgments.
Judgment Buster 2: Shifting into Neutral
So what happens when it feels like more than a petty judgment and you vehemently disagree with what someone is doing? It's useful to discriminate between judgment and neutral observation. My friend Fran spends a lot of time judging her sister, Joan, and the way she conducts her life. She feels that Joan is unmotivated because she is working in a menial job and not following her dream of becoming a teacher.
Fran's alternative to judging is to simply observe Joan's choices and notice that she would choose differently, all while allowing her sister to have the dignity of her own process. By shifting from judging, which inherently implies "bad" or "wrong," to simply noticing choices that differ from our own, we take the condemnation out of the equation and open up space for acceptance and compassion.
All choices have consequences. Part of all of our paths is to learn from those consequences. So what if Joan complains about her life but never takes any positive action to change it? That's Joan's work, not Fran's. What we know for sure is that Fran's constant negative focus on Joan is causing her angst and using up precious life energy she could be directing toward her own life.
When we are in neutral observer mode, we are simply noticing "what is" without trying to fix it. Once we stop demanding that people be different than the way they are, we have access to deep peace. Next time you find yourself judging someone, shift into noticing their choices without putting a label on them. Then you can wish them, and yourself, healing and peace for the highest good.
Judgment Buster 3: Focusing Inside
Get ready for a shock. When we have a judgment about someone, it's possible that we are recognizing something in them that we don't want to face in ourselves. This defense mechanism, called a projection, is designed to keep up the "I'm OK but you're really screwed up" illusion in an attempt to feel secure.
An alternative choice is to use our judgments as a rich source of information to gain awareness of our own unconscious patterns. A way to explore this idea is to look at our reaction to others as a metaphor for our relationship with ourselves. The things we find objectionable in others are potentially indicators of:
1. Things we do to others but are not aware of doing
2. Things we do to ourselves inside, but are not aware of doing
3. Things we don't do inwardly or outwardly but are capable of doing given the right circumstances
To work with projections for your own personal growth, set your intention to use your judgments to gain an insight into yourself. First focus on the judgments by identifying what the person "should" or "shouldn't" be doing. Then, forget the person you are judging for a minute and find the information the judgment has for you by asking yourself these three projection questions:
1. Can I ever think of a time when I _____________to someone else?
2. Am I ever_______________ with myself?
3. Is it possible that I am capable of _____________?
Pay attention to what emotions are coming up as you ask yourself these questions. Is it hurt, anger, fear, powerlessness or frustration? Let yourself feel these feelings. Our judgments often mask unfelt emotions.
Recently I caught myself judging my daughter's dance instructor as I experienced her as impatient and perpetually annoyed (the judgments) with the 20 precious 8-year-olds in her care. Then I remembered about projections and asked myself, "What is the information for me?" Am I ever impatient with others? Well, sometimes when I'm tired or in a bad mood. Am I ever impatient with myself? Yes, when I procrastinate. If I was trying to teach 20 little girls to leap like gazelles in unison is it possible that I could get annoyed? It is possible. What can I do with this information? For starters, I can choose to notice when I'm being impatient and decide to be gentler with myself and others.
Once you bring awareness to your own unconscious patterns and emotions, you can heal them in yourself and eliminate the need to judge them in others.
Judgment Buster 4: Choosing Love
When I connect with the deepest part of who I really am, I remember that every person is a spiritual being having a human experience and, in a very real sense, we are all in this together. From this space I have room to allow people to have their experiments and experiences without me having to weigh in and judge them.
With this perspective, it becomes apparent that everything that is happening to each of us is some integral part of our life's learning and growth on a soul level. It's easier to move into compassion for someone by shifting from trying to relate to the 'personality' and what it's doing to contemplating what the bigger picture soul lessons might be.
Another gateway into compassion is trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes and acknowledging that your judgments are based on your own frame of reference. And, in many cases, you don't know the actual facts of a situation. Or, imagine the person as they were when they were an innocent child and let your natural compassion extend to the wounded adult. Give yourself time, it may take a while to release old or deeply held judgments--it helps to know that you are doing so for your own growth and inner peace, not for the other person.
Don't forget to extend love and compassion to yourself by not judging your judgments. Forgive yourself for holding your judgments and shift into gratitude for the learning opportunities they present.
A Note about Serious Offenders
What about those who commit violent acts such as rapists, murderers, child molesters and terrorists? Or, those who break the law in other ways such as cheating on their taxes or parking in handicapped parking spots when they are able bodied? The shift from judgment to compassion does not mean that people who harm others or break the law should not have serious consequences for their actions. You can hold on to your values and still be compassionate. It is possible to condemn someone's actions while feeling compassionate toward the wounded human being capable of committing those actions.
Remember that each person in our lives is a teacher with a gift for us--the more upsetting the person, the larger the gift. The way into this gift is through noticing what it is exactly that our reactions to them are inviting us to learn about ourselves.
4 Ways to Stop Judging Now!
