Greetings!

October is a hectic month. Mentally, you may be thinking it's the last chance month for getting things done before the holidays hit.

At the Buehler household, it's hectic for another reason--a car show. My husband is on a year- round committee that puts on a car show for charity every year. If you lived in Orange County and missed it, don't worry, it will be here again next year.

It's not just any car show--it's the Newport Concours d'Elegance. This year, I didn't feel too excited about it. After all, if you've seen one $3 million Rolls, you've seen them all, right?

Wrong.

In this issue, find out how my husband flamed my desire for hot cars. There's an instructional parallel here for your reward.

I also have another article about selfishness vs. selflessness in contemporary relationships. Which reminds me--I don't think my daughter will be trick or treating this year. Now where will I get my sugar fix?

Bear with me here. For the last several years, my husband Mark has been on the committee that puts on the annual Newport Concours d'Elegance. Basically, it's a fancy car show that strives to emulate the West Coast grandpappy of elegant car shows, the Pebble Beach Concours.

It's a heady charity affair, with millions and millions of dollars' worth of cars parked all over a field in Irvine. (I know--it's the Newport Concours, in Irvine. Don't ask.) It's a place that car geeks drool. (We drive a Mini Cooper and a 4-year-old BMW station wagon with a manual, so no ideas here about our net worth.)

I've been a dutiful wife and gone to the show every year. Admittedly last year was fun because I watched my daughter and her friends hand trophies to the winners. But this year I felt bored. I just had no desire, and even though it pained me to do so, I told my husband the truth. I didn't want to go to the Concours.

But, after years of marriage, my husband knew how to put me in the mood. He took me to the fundraising gala the night before and brought me plates of food. He held my hand and introduced me to everyone who came by to say hi to him. We left the gala when I said I was tired. He was quiet when he got up at 0'dark thirty to get to the judges' tent. He reserved a parking spot for me at the absolute closest point to the field. He prepaid for my lunch. He met me the moment I arrived and had me join him in the judges' tent so I could eat somewhere cool.

Then he snagged a golf cart and gave me a private tour of all the cars. And by the time we took the tour, I was ready. My mood had changed and I took in the festivities and the amazing cars. Although I'd like to think that a bug-eye Sprite or a bathtub Porsche wouldn't thrill me any more, it isn't true. When my husband took me to the highest point above the field so that we could look out on the scene together, I was enchanted. Magnificent machinery everywhere, lovingly restored, polished and paraded. It was an awesome experience.

So maybe if your partner isn't feeling any desire, take a cue from my tale. A little preparation, a little seduction, and little bit of a show may just take you from yawn, to glee.

That's correct, you can do whatever you want. And you can be single, too. But you're not. You're married. You knew the deal going in--you'd have to give up some part of yourself. Not all, but part. And in exchange, you'd get security and trust.

So, here are Buehler's rules for making time for yourself if you are in a marriage or partnership:

• If your partner is making a reasonable request, listen. Let your partner know that you understand why he or she might want to do whatever has been requested.
• If the request rubs you the wrong way, don't reject it immediately. Try to figure out what is beneath your wanting to reject your partner's request. If your own feelings seem reasonable to you, state them.
• If you are the partner doing the asking, don't make it a demand. Keep the possibility of discussion open and on the table.
• If the wish is large or unusual (husband wants to go to expensive driving school, wife wants to take a job that requires travel), set aside some real time for discussion. Come to the table with your thoughts collected.
• If your partner says your request is a deal breaker, it is reasonable to ask why--but you have to listen and not simply dismiss this statement.
• Try to identify the feelings that the request stirs up if they are negative. What do you feel you might be losing if your partner goes ahead with this request? Is this feeling mature, or a leftover fear from another relationship, or even your family of origin?

If you cannot maintain objectivity, then seek counsel from an "elder" whom you both trust. Don't go around collecting "evidence" from friends that support your position that you are right. Go to a pastor, a counselor, a relative you trust, or even a beloved mutual friend with the situation. Don't ask that person to decide--just to give you perspective. And if that doesn't work, call us. We do a LOT of marital counseling.

Okay, This Is Just Funny: I'm not even going to tell you about this one; just click and enjoy a fun story.

For Halloween, You Can't Beat Spider Tales: Ah, spiders. Read about the newest discoveries about their romantic antics.

To this end, Debby Kessel, M.A., my psych. assistant, is helping to put together a sexual health library to put onto our website. We get lots of hits every month and we also know that we are frequently bookmarked. if we can share some good general information, we will really be doing our community a service.

Please look for quotes from yours truly in Esquire and once again in Figure magazine, among others. I also have another article being published in Going Bonkers. If you haven't yet seen this lighthearted magazine, look for the winter issue when it comes out on the stands in December.

Almost forgot--for clinicians, I am speaking to the Orange County Psychological Association on November 7. You can get more info and sign up on the OCPA website.

Also for clinicians, I am holding an AASECT FUNdraiser on Sunday, November 18 at my home in south Orange County. If you want to be sure to get an invite, just email or call us.

But my mother died of ovarian cancer. Breast cancer is often caught early, but ovarian cancer is hard to detect, so it is caught in its late stages. That makes treatment difficult, and the 5-year survival rate for late stage ovarian cancer survivors is very low, especially compared to women with breast cancer.

The current test for ovarian cancer is not very reliable, so the best thing is for women to be aware of the symptoms. Please click here to educate yourself.