Greetings!
Guten Morgen! One week ago, I didn't even know what that meant. But now?! Heck - I can even buckle my britches in German and here's how it all went down. ( What the he-- does that mean?) Those close to the walk know that we basically take the month off in celebration of Oktoberfest. There isn't a German in the bunch, but do have many a lover of beer...and lederhosen. Leave it to the Law of Attraction to explain what happened next. Last Friday, we had just finished a marathon game of Sorry and many of us were changing into our yoga gear for the 2:30 class. We could almost tell by the ring of the phone that something was up. Birgit and I (we change names for the month) went running into Katarina's office. Caller ID reads +49-110374922659120038 I start freaking out. I'm stuttering. "Grab...grab...grab Das Telefonbuch!" "What are you talking about?!", says Katharina. "That #. 49. It's Germany's country code! I just saw it on The Müppets go to Münich. But, we don't have a walk in Germany...yet?" I reply. "The Muppets go to what? Oh forget it. Would you clowns get out of my office!", Katharina exclaims. We pretend to return to yoga but we stay right outside her door in the hallway. We can't afford to miss a word. Katharina returns to her desk, smiles, and regains her sense of calm. "Good morning! It's a beautiful day in the Land of Walkwithadoc. How may I help you?" "Vy yes. Guten Abend! Vat time is ze Valk tomorrow?" "Yes ma'am. I would love to help you. Which walk are you referring to?" "Vy, ze Ültra Zecret ÜberValkvitadok, of course! No?!." Katharina nervously giggles, "Why, Of Course! Could you please hold for just one second?" It goes without saying that for centuries we've all heard the legendary tales passed down surrounding The ÜberValk. But, to this day, even the brightest of history's scholars had never gathered a morsel of objective evidence. Therefore, we all believed this to be lumped in with the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and The Great Wall of China, etc. - absolutely captivating stories sure, but nothing that truly existed. Katharina dropped the phone and ran to hallway, rapidly motioning for us to return to the room. Soon, all three heads were somewhat uncomfortably stacked on top of each other, straining for a small piece of headset real estate. It was a scene right out of The Three Stooges (it wasn't until later that we remembered our speakerphone). "I'm sorry ma'am, I'm back. Could you please describe the walk for me?" Katharina asked. "But, zer is one valk, no? Anyvay, at Ze ÜberValk ve drive our Porsche's deep into ze Bavarian Black Forest under ze cover of darkness. Ven we arrive we enjoy biers courtesy of ze Høfbraü Haüs, pretzels und very, very fancy mustards." The three of us stared at each other - our mouths agape. The ÜberValk was NOT a myth! Dozens of generations had passed down the ÜberValkian legends without verification, and now we find they are true? Are you kidding me?!?! She continued. "Ven ve know zat no one ist watching - ve drink from ze Fountain of Youth und ve listen to ze Doktor. Ze Doktor teach valkers ancient secrets zat transform our bodies 25 year younger. Ve check blood pressure, no? All valkers are 120/80 and strong like bull - totally normal. All from very much valking, yes? Zen ze musicians perform ze hümmelchen vile ve take in ze mythical, forbidden beauty of ze forest" Meanwhile, Katharina is frantically taking notes, well aware that the history books and the knowledge of future generations hinges on this very call. Hinges on how well she questions this miracle subject, thousands of miles away. As the historical scope of the conversation sinks in, Birgit and I have difficulty breathing. "What exactly does the doctor look like?" Katharina inquires. "Ze ÜberDoktor ist greater zan 2 metre tall und 120 kilos (6'4", 245 lbs.) viz 4% body fat (4% body fat), sculpted like ze Adonis. Ze namen del ÜberDoktor es Dr. Hans Schmidt. I see on za vorld vide veb...it's ironical - he look absolutely identical in stature to ze Koluumbus Doktor...how do you say...Zabgir? Zen ve drink in ze über clean Bavarian air und stretch vit ze Olympic coaches by ze dark zecret river"
"I'm sorry, could you please tell me your name?" The ensuing pause lasted a lifetime. One could sense the caller becoming increasingly anxious. "Vait! Who are you?!? ARE YOU VIZ ZE ÜBERVALK?!...dialtone" And just like that, the call had ended. The three of us found ourselves staring at each other in sheer bewilderment. This was our Titanic, our Sasquatch, our Hanging Gardens of Babylon all rolled into one. No one would ever believe we had just been listening to an actual member of The ÜberValk. No one would ever believe! (As curtain falls, quickly exit Stage Right) |