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Barbarians Unite!
 Seriously, have you heard about these races? They are fun. They typically involve running a few miles through mud along with many other various "natural" obstacles. Anyway, this is my humble proposal to the WWAD board for hopefully an entertaining, yet challenging morning. There are medical twists to keep it in the spirit of Walk with a Doc. *I want to emphasize that we will not be doing this at any of our sites this week. We need our attorneys to approve the plan first. Here we go: On the morning of the event, you arrive in the Disenchanted Forest of Lost Howls. It is here where you are greeted by true, real-life cavemen. Either Thag or Belgar will place a not so minor cut into the thenar eminence of your left hand (Bloodletting used to be an immensely popular and effective medical practice. Admittedly, since the 1500's, it has slightly fallen out of favor) . This blood will serve as your 'ink' as you sign an affidavit that you will not operate a vehicle after imbibing in spirits. This way we know you mean it. Once this action is complete, your armor will be distributed. Initially you may be put off, but please have no concerns. You'll find it necessary to be suited entirely in tanned leather, wrought iron, molybdenum spikes, ox pelts, and a viking helmet complete with ivory horns (the ivory is not from real elephants, but please keep that between us). We will also be providing Black Walnut sawdust, which will serve multiple purposes. First, it provides a comforting dryness for those of you stricken with hyperhydrosis (excessive sweating). It will also function well as an aromatic fragrance to enhance your attractiveness to the opposite sex you find on the course (if you are single, mating is good for self-esteem). Arguably, its most important feature is that the sawdust will mask the scent of your fresh blood. This is critical as it will throw off the scents of the wild boar and ocelots we have strategically placed on the trail (looking to hunt you down). From here, the torch (Ugh! Fire. Good!) you are given will light your way through the brush to the starting line. Before the Gates of Goth release, you will receive 1 of 4 options: a shot of beer (Bud Light) - to increase your HDL, water (for the vegetarians), Jagermeister (also to increase your HDL), or motor oil (no proven health benefits when consumed). As you approach the line, you may notice something. In the distance, you will hear the screams of Warriors From Days Gone By. Fear not, you are stronger than they are for a couple reasons. One, they're dead. Second, you've been exercising 150 minutes or more/week...(with a doc?). You've got this. It's all you. After the cannon blast, you release a guttural scream. Why? Because you can't help it. You feel that good. You plow uphill, occasionally tripping through mud, grass, rocks, and sticks - carefully avoiding the barbed wire and bear traps. You make a rapid, uncontrolled slippery descent onto a small plateau, appropriately dubbed, The Flatlands. Crawling through a hollow log, you take a moment to smear black paste under your eyes in order to...you know what - you don't need a reason. You get on with your bad, barbarian self! On course, you're constantly jumping over and through large, recently stoked fires . This induces a vasodilatory effect that lowers your blood pressure (bloodletting did a little of that as well). You arrive at the "water stop" and it cannot be soon enough. Here you receive berries (anti-oxidants), twigs (fiber), and more spirits (HDL). Feel free to pass, but please reconsider your refusal at consumption as this organic nutrition will support you in your upcoming endeavors. The next obstacle is The Cliff Plummet. 47 feet separates you from the murky, leech-infested brown waters below (medically this jump releases endorphins and reduces stress - all your current fears pale in comparison. We put leeches in there because I think they do something 'medical' - hirudin). From here, the swim against the riptide current (both aerobic and anaerobic conditioning) lands you just short of the final turn. Unfortunately, you come out of the water and immediately into The Winds of Gaspar. These 80-110 mph gusts have nothing healthy about them. Depending on the day's wind direction, you will either find it incredibly difficult to take even a single step forward or you have the strong potential to be launched across the finish line at 8o miles an hour ending up face first into your car's windshield. At this point, we find you and give you a large turkey drumstick for a job well done. Anyway, let me know what you think - I'll keep you posted with what legal says. Fingers crossed.
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