Hand in Hand Connecting! 
June 2008
 
"My parents say they are getting divorced because they don't love each other anymore.  Does that mean they can stop loving me, too?"
 
In This Issue
Free Podcast for Parents Everywhere
The Connected Parent on Dealing with Divorce
Electronic Booklet Format
Support for Study Group Leaders
Layers on the Family Cake
Coming Up: Living with Pre-teens, Loving Adolescence and Setting Limits
Classes in Austin and the Doug Noll Radio Show
A FREE PODCAST FOR PARENTS EVERYWHERE
Conflict Communication with Children
 
In this insighful and fascinating interview with Doug Noll of lawertopeacemaker.com, Patty and Doug discuss the fundamentals of Parenting by Connection and their far-reaching implications for adults and society.

An interview every parent should hear! Please share this with all those in your life who care about families.
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If you ever want to review articles in past issues of Connecting!, they are now available in our newsletter archives.  
The CONNECTED PARENT
Dealing with Divorce
 

This month's article on CleverParents.com addresses the question, How can I help my kids deal with our divorce?  Clever Parents

 

"There are many things parents can do, singly and in concert with one another, to help children with the pain of separation and divorce." Read the full article here.
WHAT'S NEW?
Buy Booklets, Save Trees
 

A new PDF version of our popular Listening to Children booklet set is now available.  Especially for parents outside the U.S. this is an ideal way to avoid long waits and shipping charges.

Quick Links
Classes and Events
 
CONNECT NOW
Study Group Leaders Unite
 

Have you ever thought about starting a Study Group with the Listening to Children booklets? There's a guide available on our website to help you get started.  Or maybe you already have a group working through these booklets together. 

 

Either way we'd like to invite you to join the new online Discussion Group for Hand in Hand Study Group Leaders.  Contact us and let us know about your group. We'll be happy to connect you with other parents bringing together groups in their own neighborhoods.
PARENTING TIP
Shifting Layers on the Family Cake
 
Juli Head Shot
Father's Day is complicated at our house.  The resident "father" is my husband, Tom, father to my two stepkids, and stepfather to our 8 year-old.  My daughter's father lives a few towns over.  She will visit him for the day.  But who should help her make the card or put together some sort of present for Father's Day?  Do I do that with her?  Should I leave it to her father's new girlfriend to deal with this year? And what about a card for her stepdad?  How do I skillfully negotiate that conversation?
 
Certainly I'm not the only one who feels strange about making Father's Day gifts for a man I am at best ambivalent about having had a child with in the first place.  In the end I will have to once again make room for the fact that my daughter loves her father, and has the right to keep on doing so whatever my feelings about him may be.  It's good for her to love her father.  And I want what's best for her, glue stick, glitter and all.
 
Thank goodness for Mom's House, Dad's House and the practical and comforting advice this now classic work for parents going through divorce provides! There's no question that divorce complicates family life and brings up big feelings for all involved.  And remarriage and the creation of a stepfamily add layer upon layer to that precariously balanced family cake.  This year for my husband's birthday he and I went to dinner with his mother, his kids and their mother.  And it didn't even feel strange!
 
But in the beginning, divorce or separation in a family does feel very strange, even raw, to everyone involved, especially the children.  I wish I had heard the clear, straightforward suggestions from Patty's column this month in Clever Parents about helping kids deal with divorce or separation when I was first dealing with my divorce.  A support group or Listening Partnership can also be extremely helpful to parents going through the initial upheaval of separation.
 
Lately I've been reading Isolina Ricci's Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids and discussing some of the sections with my daughter a little bit at a time.  I don't think my daughter can remember much about our lives before the divorce, when she was just turning three, but she still has lots of feelings about the fact that her dad and I aren't together.  When she was younger, Dinosaur's Divorce,  It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear and Two Homes helped us grapple with all the changes that needed to happen and the feelings that cried out to be heard.  Now that she is a bit older and has more life experience living with divorce than she does living without it, the sections in Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids on Splitting and Dividing, Getting Settled in One Home or Two, and Keeping in Touch with Friends and Family are taking on new meaning and helping us both reflect on the challenges and changes in our lives since the divorce. 
 
I wouldn't wish divorce on any family, but I am convinced that my daughter and I both have richer, happier lives on this side of that unhappy and tumultuous time.  Divorce is often an unwelcome, uncomfortable stressor that can bring out the worst in families.  But with enough resources and support, parents can guide their children through the challenges of divorce and separation to a more connected and satisfying place on the other side.
 
--Juli Idleman
EVENTS CALENDAR
Setting Limits, Wrestling for Reluctant Mothers, Parenting Pre-teens and Loving Adolescence
 

Do you wish you could take a Hand in Hand class even though you live outside the Bay Area?  Here's another chance!  We are offering another four-week session on Setting Limits that Build Better Relationships.

 

This month's free introductory teleseminar is on

"Living with Pre-teens: Connecting and Staying Close" with Margaret Pevec, author of What Kids REALLY Want to Ask: Using Movies to Start Meaningful Conversations. Your questions and participation are welcome. And Hand in Hand consultants are always available to help with individual issues or questions.  
 

If you are in the Bay Area, save the date for Family Pillow Play Day, Saturday, June 21st. And to make better connections with children through physical play, don't miss the summer workshop, Wrestling for Reluctant Mothers.   

 
We'll also have a new teleclass "Loving Adolescence: Staying Close and Staying Sane" starting June 26th. 

 

Would you like to schedule a talk, workshop or Family Fun event for your group?  Contact us today to schedule.

 

You can see all our upcoming events on the full schedule.
OUT AND ABOUT
Classes in Austin and the Doug Noll Radio Show
  • Patty will be appearing on the Doug Noll Radio Show on June 5th.  For more about Doug and his work as a lawyer turned peacemaker, go to www.lawyertopeacemaker.com.
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We hope you enjoy Connecting! and will share it with other parents and professionals who care about nurturing parent-child connections.
 
Juli
 
Julianne Idleman
Hand in Hand