Connecting! August 07 - The Dance of Parenting

Children have lots of wants! To the annoyance of their parents, they sometimes focus all their feelings of want on one toy, one food, or one activity. They won't go anywhere without their blankie when they're two, have to have their Sponge Bob character in their hand when they're three, need to see The Little Mermaid video over and over again when they're four, and can't live without their Game Boy when they're five or over.

Parents, trying to be kind to their children, often pretzel themselves around these strong "needs:" Sponge Bob acquires a place at the dinner table, certain music is the only music that is played in the car, or how long it's been since the child had her last piece of gum becomes the framework for the day.

What we've seen consistently is that children are asking for help from their parents when they feel that there's only one way to make them happy, and that way doesn't flex from hour to hour or day to day. Have It

We don't know why children get this laser-like focus on one activity, or one food, or one comfort item, but we have some guesses. For one thing, it's much easier for a child to want his Sponge Bob figurine than it is to want Mommy or his Daddy, who have to work hard to keep a family going. Sponge Bob is available. Wanting a thing or an activity or a food seems to be a signal that some other, more basic need, is throbbing. It's not the fault of the parent that children feel these needs so strongly: it's the human condition that children are small and vulnerable, and that parents can't meet their every need.

The reasons a child develops a passionate attachment to one activity or thing are different for each child. But a parent, grandparent, or caregiver doesn't have to know what created that attachment in order to help the child.

What's needed are two things: a warm, generous attitude toward the child, and firm limits, gently delivered and attentively held.

When your child asks for her second piece of gum (or whatever the desired thing is) in the morning, you can embrace her, plant a little kiss on her nose, and say, "Oh, Sweetie! No more gum!" with the tone you would use if you were saying, "I now grant you everything you always wanted!" It's that warmth and that tone that meets your child's biggest underlying need. Children want our affection, our attention, and our listening when they are stuck wanting one thing and one thing only. They want us there with them. Not sad for them. Not worried about them. Not mad at them. Just there, listening, while the storm of feelings about No More Whatever washes over them. They may fight. They may try to insult. They may want to run away and not have you see them in distress.

As you stay, offer warmth and the time that it takes to undo the knot of feelings that life is unbearable without this special thing. You are filling in what your child needed during some moment in the past when she couldn't feel your support. You pour healing attention on a sore spot within your child. You build a bridge to connection and contentment that your child will be able to traverse, once she's finished her big cry. Your child believes that life is no good without her Whatever. You place your belief in your love and in the power of your listening to heal her heart.

Our Success Story this month is one mother's thunderbolt realization that her son needed her listening, not his Game Boy, to make life good. As you read, you'll think of lots of implications for this strategy of meeting people's frantic needs with listening and permission to "fall apart." Just imagine what our communities will be like as we create the understandings that allow us all to work through the feelings behind our strong desires, so that we can feel the connection we have with those who love us, and make good use of our precious time and energies!