"When my daughter gets upset, she says things to me that she would never say to anyone else! She can be so nasty! I don't understand why she is such a thoughtful girl outside our home, but in our family, she isn't careful of our feelings at all! And I don't know what to do about it!"

This comment highlights one of the mystifying aspects of children's behavior, and I thought it might be helpful to outline why things work this way in families that are trying hard to raise their children with respect.

When parents work hard to listen to their children, consider their points of view, and listen to their feelings, they create what I would term "emotional safety." The child has a deep sense that he is loved and safe. The perception of safety is both conscious and unconscious. The child's inborn safety detection system, his limbic system, notes that even when the parents are upset, they do their best to keep from doing physical or emotional harm. They keep trying to connect with him. They keep trying to understand.

A child in an emotionally safe family grows up differently from children whose parents allow little outward show of feelings. When parents become harsh or judgmental as a child cries or shows difficulty, children have to learn to shut feelings away. They find dependable ways to sit on those feelings: they may isolate themselves, or adopt little rituals that distract them from the feelings, like hair twisting or watching lots of TV or moving quickly from one activity to another all day long. Or they stop trying to do the things that they find challenging: for instance, children may stop trying to show tenderness, or avoid physical challenges, or stop trying to say what they think. Outwardly, children are able to function, but their fuse becomes shorter and shorter over the years. They have to avoid an ever longer list of activities and situations in order to keep their feelings all tucked away.

When there's a safe place to show feelings, children tend to cry more. They have more tantrums. Their behavior in the early years may seem much more difficult to handle. What they're doing is trying to offload the feelings as they occur, so that their genius remains freer to operate.

Outside of the home, children who have emotional safety at home handle all kinds of little upsets. Often they are the children who reach out to and empathize with other children openly. They've been treated with respect, so they can do this with others.

But navigating a less-than-ideal world taxes us all, and our children are no exception. This is why a child will do beautifully in day care or at school, and explode almost every day upon coming home. Once he's home, he knows he's safe. So it's time to show, and shed, the stresses of the day! Hence, parents see "attitude," or big upsets over who sits where at dinner, or they have to deal with what looks like a complete inability to do simple, necessary tasks. The child has risen above a variety of emotional triggers all day long. At home, his instinct is to heal from emotional challenge and hurt. So small imperfections ignite big feelings.

What to do? First, congratulate yourself! You have communicated your love to your child. He's using it to shed his troubles early. He's going to be able to hang on to his sense that he can overcome difficulties large and small. You are showing him that people can reach for each other when troubles arise. How often did your parents listen to you cry? How often do you manage to listen to your child's feelings? Keep remembering: "These outbursts and upsets are cleansing for my child. He needs these outbursts like he needs his shower or bath: they keep him healthy and sweet!"

Second, prepare. Staylistening through crying or a tantrum is an investment in your child's intelligence and future flexibility. You'll be in a better position to make this investment if someone listens to you on a regular basis. You, too, need an adult with whom you can register your complaints, fully express the feelings that make parenting hard, remember your own needs, and plot how to meet them well. You need an emotional refuge, too!

Third, make time for Special Time. This is time you set aside so that your child can play just the way he wants with you. You'll be surprised at the connection power Special Time carries. Play without distractions pulls both you and your child toward the kind of relationship you always hoped you would have with him. It can be as short as five or ten minutes, but it can help to keep the emotional safety in your family high.

An emotionally safe child knows that there's a chance he'll find someone in the family to be his guide and his rock during upsetting moments, when the world has stopped making sense to him. He's not afraid to lose perspective entirely, in order to heal things back up again emotionally. But offering emotional safety does NOT mean that children have permission to act badly: quick, decisive (but not harsh) limits on thoughtless behavior are vital. What is not limited is how long or hard the child cries or rages about the limits that are set.

This is an important distinction! The moment a child begins marching through the house, announcing how much she hates her little sister, a parent needs to intervene, bringing her into a room where the sibling can't hear the insults, and asking what went so wrong that she felt she had to do that. Or when a child calls her parent the worst Mommy or Daddy ever, it's time to immediately get close, make thoughtful physical contact, ask, "What makes you feel this way?" and listen until the feelings flow.

Your child is good when he's signaling for help. And he's good when bad feelings are spilling. Listening to those feelings may not be a fun experience. It's not anyone's favorite part of the day. But listening is what lets your child remember that he's safe, treasured, and that what you want most is to be close with him. He's mending his mind and heart, and is deeply fortunate to have your understanding.