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| The CONNECTED PARENT |
Big Kid Feelings
The current issue of the Hand in Hand parenting column The Connected Parent answers a parent's question about helping her middle school child with strong feelings. You can also submit your own questions to "The Connected Parent." |
| PARENTING STYLES |
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| What Sort of Discipline Do You Use?
At Hand in Hand we
teach an authoritative style. Patty Wipfler says she likes it because "parents listen and create some modified version of democracy, and the child's view points are heard." Lines of communication between parent and child are open, fostering confidence. By supporting the child while they are having an emotional moment and letting the child "offload that upset with you," parents help a child become stronger and surer of himself.
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| SUPPORTIVE SCIENCE |
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From What We Know to What We Do
The latest working papers from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University add yet another scientific lens to focus on the social significance of the work we do at Hand in Hand to nurture the parent-child connection.
"The early development of cognitive skills, emotional well-being, social competence, and sound physical and mental health builds a strong foundation for sucess well into the adult years. Science has a lot to offer about how we as a community can use our collective resources most effectively and efficiently to build that strong foundation. When we invest wisely in children and families, the next generation will pay that back through a lifetime of productivity and responsible citizenship."
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| RESOURCE PROFILE |
Parents, You're Not Alone!
Tune in to Childhood Matters, the radio show for parents, teachers and caregivers, hosted by Nurse Rona. Receive parenting advice, information, and support every Sunday morning from 9-10 AM on 98.1 KISS-FM and 105.1 KOCN-FM. Call us with your questions at 1-877-372-KIDS!
June topics include:
June 3 Taming Tantrums, with Hand in Hand Instructor, Todd Erickson. Listen Now
June 10 LGBT Parents and Their Children
June 17 What Does It Mean To Be A Responsible Father?
June 24 Understanding Health Care
Childhood Matters
Sundays, 9-10 AM
98.1 KISS-FM and 105.1 KOCN-FM
http://www.childhoodmatters.org
¡Padres de familia, no están solos!
Sintonice Nuestros Niños, el programa de radio en español para los padres de familia, maestros, y proveedores de servicios a niños, con la Dra. Marisol. Únasenos todos los domingos de 8-9 AM en KLOK 1170 AM, La Kalle 100.7 y 105.7 FM, para recibir consejos sobre la crianza de los niños, información, y apoyo. ¡Llámenos con sus preguntas al 1-866-996-4667!
Nuestros Niños
Domingos, 8-9 AM
KLOK 1170 AM
La Kalle 100.7 y 105.7 FM
http://www.nuestrosninos.com |
| HAND IN HAND GOES ORGANIC |
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Organic to Go
Organic to Go was founded two years ago by a group of men and women who have worked in the natural products industry for many years. Busy with careers and families, the current lifestyle of our culture creates a simple need and desire for delicious yet wholesome, fast, casual food.
This month's Organic to Go newsletter includes an article from Hand in Hand.
Check out the June newsletter here. |
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We're Looking for new Office Space
Please contribute your creative ideas to help find Hand in Hand a new home that will be more welcoming to parents and their supporters.
Details of our search and contact information are available here. | |
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First, I should confess that I read my first set of Listening to Children booklets in the bathroom, slowly, a paragraph or two at a time. I got them when I took a Tantrum Training class in 2001 when my daughter was about sixteen months old. It might have taken me most of the next year to get all the way through them. I lost my place, reread some sections over and over, and even carried them out of the bathroom mid-sentence once in a while to say to my husband, "Listen to this..."
I don't have those old booklets any more. I passed them, dog-eared as they were, to another beleaguered playgroup mom, and they probably moved into another bathroom a bit farther down Highway 1. I can only imagine how far they have traveled since then. There are days when I miss them. I'm very proud of my new copies with the color photos and the new organization name, but darn it, those old booklets were good friends. During moments when I felt overwhelmed by the demands of a screaming toddler, I could hole up in the bathroom until I no longer felt like running away from home. I knew from those booklets that someone understood. They knew how tough it could be to parent. And they knew I was trying as hard as I could. They got it. And they were there to help me.
I can quote the beginning of the Crying booklet by heart: "We want our young ones to be happy, loved, respected and understood. We also want the chance to correct mistakes our parents made with us." This I desperately wanted. "For most of us, these goals are far more difficult to achieve than we had imagined." This was a truth I didn't want to admit. But the booklet understood:"We discover that loving and nourishing a child is complex work that challenges the hardiest grownups." Gradually, one trip into my bathroom refuge at a time, the booklets inched me closer and closer to becoming one of those hardy grownups who was able to take on the complex work of parenting.
I started to really understand crying through revelations like, "This recovery process-crying until the hurt is gone-comes naturally to our children. They try to use it whenever they are having trouble feeling loved and confident." Along with Crying, I was able to slowly digest Tantrums and Indignation. "Listening to your child's tantrums isn't much different from listening through a good cry. . .It's simply the thunder and lightning side of a child's internal weather system." Wow. It's just the weather. I don't have to fix it. I can just ride through the storm and we can both eventually come through to the calm on the other side. What a concept!
I eventually began tentative forays into Special Time. I was shocked at how challenging I found the process. For my first Special Time I promised my daughter five minutes, and I looked at the clock more than once before it was over! When I slowed down to notice what was happening in my play time with my daughter, the first thing I noticed was me. I was having a really hard time just being fully present with my little girl and paying attention, let alone bringing the warmth and enthusiasm I wanted to be able to contribute to the interaction. And that's probably where Listening Partnerships for Parents started really changing my life and my relationship with my family. The more I shared listening time with another adult, the more I was really able to listen to my daughter, the easier it was to be present and actually have fun with Special Time, and the more I progressed beyond just surviving and started to enjoy my new life as a parent.
Over the years I have returned again and again to the Listening to Children booklets, including Playlistening, Healing Children's Fears and Reaching for Your Angry Child, and found in them the insight, support, and encouragement I wish for every parent. I encourage you to give away your Listening to Children booklets. Share them with the friends, teachers, pediatricians, and childcare providers in your life. Let's make them standard equipment in parents' bathrooms everywhere.
Thanks for listening,
Julianne Idleman |
| THE BIRTH OF LISTENING TO CHILDREN |
An interview with the author, Patty Wipfler
Q. What first prompted you to write the Listening to Children booklet series?
A. I began with the simple experience that, for parents, being listened to and having permission to have a good laugh and have a good cry was very, very helpful! This was my own experience, and I saw what a difference it made in the parents I was exchanging listening time with. We began talking and thought if children start laughing, we should help them keep laughing, and if they start crying, we need to learn how to help them finish the cries they begin, even though it's hard for us to listen to them, and even though we feel so bad when we see how upset they are. We all noticed how feelings from our own childhoods seemed to be at the root of our most unhelpful moments as parents. We thought, "What if our children don't have to carry upsets into their adult years--how much better for them."
I set out to write a book. All this time, I was raising two sons, working, traveling, and carrying major financial responsibility for my family. I got about 120 pages completed, and then realized that to finish it would take more concentration than I had at that time. I also thought that parents of young children, my target audience, might do better with shorter booklets rather than a book. So I decided to turn what I had written so far into 6 separate booklets and publish them as a set to make my writing task workable and, I hoped, to make the booklets accessible.
Q. What was your original idea for their title?
A. Listening to Children was the title from the beginning. Listening was our primary tool for building and repairing a close parent-child relationship, and I was and still am so impressed with the power of the simple act of listening. Understanding when and how to listen well can free children from the troubles that cloud their behavior. Feelings they have to store from past struggles keep them occupied with managing their feelings, which none of us do very well. It's a much happier and more satisfying life for both children and parents when parents listen to big feelings. They then get to see their child live life with fuller enthusiasm and intelligence.
Q. How many copies have now been sold?
A. I know that if you count the booklets we've distributed in English and Spanish, (there are now 14 booklets in total in English and 12 in Spanish), the total is 410,000. We've also sold 15,000 books in Chinese and 3,000 books in Japanese. Hand in Hand now sells the Chinese (simplified character, Beijing edition) and the Japanese Listening to Children, which have been published by major publishers in each of those countries.
Q. How many other translaed versions are there?
A. There are translations in French, Swedish, Dutch, German, Greek, Tamil, two Norwegian scripts, Samii, Japanese, and Chinese. We don't, however, sell the booklets in all these languages here in the U.S.
Q. How did the other booklets come into being?
A. I wrote Special Time first, in 1989, and published the other 5 booklets of the Listening to Children set in 1990. I wrote Listening Partnerships for Parents and Leading a Parent Resource Group in 1991. Next came Supporting Adolescents in 1994 and Setting Limits with Children in 1995. How Children's Emotions Work came out last year, as did Supporting Your Kindergarten Child. Those two are different versions of the same information. They give an overview to the Listening to Children booklets that has evolved in our practice in the past 5 or 6 years.
Q. Any more thoughts about adding to the series?
A. I have the beginnings of a booklet on Listening to Infants, but that will take me some very dedicated writing time to complete. I have lots of experience with infants and toddlers, but need time to make sure I get it just right. It's not the project I'm working on right now, but I hope to get to it.
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| PARENT SUCCESS STORY |
Listening Leads to Good Night's Sleep
When hearing my two-year-old son cry or tantrum I was feeling like a failure as a dad because I couldn't "fix it." After I read the Listening to Children booklets, I tried Staylistening, and one night in particular it worked really well.
We had just transitioned our son into a toddler bed and he was waking in the middle of the night at least 2 or 3 times a week. Usually we let him come to our room and stay with us for a bit and then tried to get him to go back to his own bed while we stayed with him until he was almost asleep. One night, I decided to sit with him while he cried in his room. Initially he told me to "Go away!" slammed his door, and screamed at the top of his lungs. Once he let me in, I sat down so I could get on his level physically and talked to him in a quiet, patient, and very kind and loving way. I said things like "I know it's hard" and "I'm sorry you're hurting" over and over so he would know I was there to listen to his hurt. I then asked if I could give him a hug and extended my arms and, to my amazement, he came to me right away. I held him and cuddled him in my lap while he cried a bit more. The whole thing lasted about 15 minutes whereas, before, it would have taken at least an hour.
I expected that there would be a second round of emotions in the morning, but there wasn't; he was happy and lively. Since reading your booklets, I've even convinced my wife that you really can't lecture anyone, especially a toddler, into giving up their emotions. Thanks again for the booklets. They are really helpful.
-- A father in Illinois
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| HOW YOU CAN HELP |
Let Amazon.com Donate for You
If you shop at Amazon.com, please use the Hand in Hand link when you add items to your Amazon cart. When you use this link: Amazon.com, Amazon donates 4-8% of the amount of your purchase to Hand in Hand. What a wonderful way to support parent-child connections while you shop! Thank you, and thanks to Amazon for their generous contributions. | |
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We Love Your Feedback
We'd like to hear how you're using the parenting tips and articles we're sending you. If you duplicate our articles for your parent group, nursery school, or church or temple Sunday school, please let us know. You're free to spread the word! We'd love to hear where and with whom. Send us an email here.
Sincerely,
Julianne Idleman
Hand in Hand |
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